


The Spaces Between and After

by CalypsoStan



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Adult - Emison, College - Emison, Communication Issues, Emison - Freeform, F/F, Fetus - Emison, Fluffy and angsty, Soft as Fuck Emison, Song fics, Who Alison Is When It's Just Them, flangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-11-29 19:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 57,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11447334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalypsoStan/pseuds/CalypsoStan
Summary: For years, they thought they were star-crossed lovers. Little did they know, their love is forever star-light touched. Just waiting for them to be ready for each other.Story unfolds during five year time jump.A/N Chapters 16 and 17 uploaded. (It seems chapter 16 has been skipped by some! Please do check it first.)





	1. Coming Back For You - College Junior Year

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Just playing around the characters created by Sara Shepard and I. Marlene King. I own nothing.
> 
> WARNINGS: So I got inspired by Wattpad User JennasSunglasses' use of She Will Be Loved in her Emison fanfic, "Crazier." I checked the Maroon 5's most popular songs and came up with a handful of drabble ideas. (Emison's story is that iconic that it can easily fit into any song).
> 
> These drabbles ranging from high school to college and after shall be posted in a non-chronological manner but they will be inter-related. but this is mostly a college/timejump fic.
> 
> I have no beta. Please feel free to point out grammar mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: Just playing around the characters created by Sara Shepard and I. Marlene King. I own nothing.
> 
> UPDATE 11/17/17: While this story is initially intended to be a song drabble collection. It has now become a full story! Yey.
> 
> CREDIT: I got inspired by Wattpad User JennasSunglasses' use of She Will Be Loved in her Emison fanfic, "Crazier." I checked the Maroon 5's most popular songs and came up with a handful of drabble ideas. (Emison's story is that iconic and can easily fit into any song). I don't think I'd stick strictly to Maroon 5 songs. I am not even a huge fan of them so anticipate other artists.
> 
> I have no beta. Please feel free to point out grammar mistakes.
> 
> Without further ado…

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Coming Back for You**

**(College – Senior Year)**

* * *

Emily sleeps around. She is well-aware of her effect on any girl she throws her half-dimpled semi-bashful grin to. It's not that she's a player. She doesn't think she is. She just enjoys the company (read: sex).

 _"Emily..."_  She stiffens as her flavor of the week stirs and delicately brushes her finger up and down Emily's bare back. Emily turns and gulps at the emerald green eyes, staring at her hungrily before said girl smirks and seductively shifts down. Emily guesses it's an Italian thing to start the day with breakfast in bed. Dilaurentis' also hailed from Italy right? But before she can shake those thoughts away, her breathing hitches as she gets pleasured in the most sinful of ways, forcing her to grab onto the lock of auburn hair beneath her.

" _A-_ " She bites her lips before she calls out a different name and manages to make indecipherable sounds instead. That's when she knows this has to stop. Thinking of one person while you're being pleasured by another.  _It's her therapy, really._  Pick up a girl. Relish in the newness of the pseudo-relationship. Like travelling a new country, the only difference is she's mapping and exploring bodies as wonderland until  _she_  crawls back to her thoughts.

 _She_ , being her best friend left in Hollis, reading and analyzing tons upon tons of literature on weekdays, and visiting her sister on the weekends; the same sister, who has tortured them for years. She groans as she comes and pulls up Stella and tastes herself on the girl's mouth and flips over around to return the favor. Now thinking of one girl while pleasuring another. She doesn't know which is worse. Does it make her a bad person? She doesn't think so. It's just sex.

" _Are you coming back tonight_?" Stella asks, sheet pooling around her waist not bothering to cover her breasts as she sips from the cup of coffee, Emily so kindly made after getting dressed. She may be a player now but Pam Fields drilled manners to her core.

" _Uh... no, sorry, I am closing the bar tonight so..._ " Emily shrugs, not really sounding disappointed for another round. " _See you."_  She throws her a polite smile and grab her shades by the bedside table before leaving without so much a kiss. No point prolonging the inevitable.

* * *

On her way home, Emily checks her phone notifications and immediately taps one.

_Text: What should I name him?_

Alison sent the text with a picture of a toy orca that Emily randomly sent. Best friends send random gifts all the time, right?

E: Her. Doesn't she remind you of me? You know really adorable but can be deadly?

_A: Is that so? In that case, meet Killer._

Alison sends another picture this time of her smiling as she cuddles Killer. Emily rolls her eyes and unconsciously brushes her thumb over the face of her girl on screen.

After all this time, she still thinks of Alison as hers. Officially, they never were each other's but deep down, they know they belong to each other. Whatever they are, one thing Emily is sure of she will never stop caring for Alison.

_E: Killer, you're on monster watch okay? Pepe can scare the real ones. But you have to make sure Ali won't let the imaginary ones win. Please take care of our princess._

* * *

It's a matter of timing, Emily reckons. Long distance relationships do work, of course if both parties give time and effort to call, to visit, not when they are both dealing with their own messes. Distance is the least difficult of their problems, anyway. She closes her eyes for a second as she rests on her own bed, a bed she only sleeps in once or twice a week, then jolts as her phone vibrates again.

_A: I miss you, Em._

_E: I miss you too, Ali._

She sighs and looks over the picture in her study table. All five friends drinking just like old times on the Hastings barn just prior Labor Day, the day all girls left except their former ringleader. It used to be a photo of her and Ali but some one night stands can be extremely nosy. Sometimes it makes her feel like a cheater too.

_E: I'll get some sleep now, Ali. Long night last night. Love you._

Like clockwork, Ali responds with her,  _"I love you too."_  Something Emily will never get tired of hearing before she dozes off on her bed in Malibu, wishing to be somewhere else.

* * *

**Coming Back for You - Maroon 5**

Are you thinking about the love that I took from us?

When you close your eyes, do you see me love

Am I keeping you awake?

What you scared about are you giving up

When you know you know you know

You know that I'm coming back for you

Don't you worry girl, don't you worry girl

* * *


	2. I Don't Wanna Know - College Senior Year

**CHAPTER TWO**

**I Don't Wanna Know**

**(College - Senior Year)**

_It's sick._

The amount of time Emily Fields spends stalking her  _non-ex's_  social media pages. She scrolls through Alison's latest post with her new arm candy, some baseball hotshot from Philadelphia Phillies.

Old Emily would have wondered if her best friend's just dating the guy for popularity's sake. But the New Ali herself confessed that she was scared of dating some sort of celebrity. Her attention-seeking days have long passed. All Ali wants is a quiet simple life in Rosewood with her family. Emily believes her of course, supports her even. She scoffs at the memory.

* * *

**(Flashback – Few Months Ago)**

_"Em… Greg's a great guy but I don't know if it's a good idea. He's away for training all the time and can have his pick of any girl at any club, especially now that the Phillies are having their winning streak."_

Emily laughs hoarsely, nursing her third "night cap" as she balances the phone between her shoulder and her ear.  _"Alison, you're Alison Dilaurentis. Only an idiot will cheat on you."_

_"Emily, I-"_

_"No, listen. If you really like him, then you should go for it. Don't think about the what-ifs, okay? You're going to regret it if you let your doubts win."_  Kind of what I am feeling now, Emily thinks as she downs half of her drink and sets it down so she can change her clothes.

_"Besides, I will personally beat him with his own bat if he did something to stupid. Just text me where to find him. Never mind, I can ask Caleb."_

Alison chortles despite herself, ignoring the heart ache. Of course, asking advice whether she should date someone won't push Emily to claim her for herself. Her sweet selfless mermaid. Or maybe she just moved on. She takes a deep breath as Emily calls out –

_"Hey, where did you just go?"_

_"Sorry. So how did teaching Caleb surf go?"_

_"Eh, it's alright. Not as bad as you."_

_"Hey!"_

* * *

**(Present Time)**

Emily stares at the silhouette of her best friend and the man who currently makes her happy, sharing some shake somewhere in Philly, and notices the first comment.

 **HannaOlivia:** Cliché! Barf!

 _Thank fuck for Hanna's lack of tact,_ she thinks as she scrolls through her other friends' comments.

 **SJHastings:**  Han, be nice! We have to meet him, Ali.

 **MsMontgomery:**  I think it's romantic. Happy for you, AliDilaurentis.

 **HannaOlivia** : Whatever! What do you think, ladykiller?

Emily sighs. That's another thing she tries to ignore. Her friends. She tries to shut everyone down since getting booted out of Pepperdine, barely checking her social media accounts (except for stalking).

Then, one day, Hanna just sent a text of a new IG account with her password. Few days after, she received a package full of designer clothes with a note:  _Wear these. Take pictures and videos and send them to me! You promised to help me through college, bitch!_

As expected, Emily cannot say no to her (2nd) favorite blonde. And so she modeled for her best friend's designs and let Hanna manage that IG page as her own design portfolio. She never bothered checking the comments there but according to Hanna, there were numerous winky and googly-eyed emojis in it.

Those comments do not matter, anyway. The only piece of information she appreciated hearing from Hanna was a certain English major's trigger-happy liking of every post. It makes her hope. Suddenly, her phone rings. She grabs the phone, without checking the contact name, hoping –

_"Em!"_

_"Ha- Hanna, hey, what's up?"_ Of course hope breeds eternal misery.

_"Are you still in contact with that Italian chic? What's her name? Grizella?"_

_"Stella, yes. Why?"_  She asks skeptically. Despite their previous dalliance, Stella has become a good friend of hers. Stella claims that she keeps contact because of the free passes and shots she gets wherever Emily works. Whatever her reasons are, however, Emily's grateful. The Italian girl knows that she has spiraled out of control since her dad's death. Emily didn't have to say a word, the empty bottles lined up in her kitchen make it crystal clear to her new friend.

_"Right, Stella. Can you hook her up?"_

_"I'm sorry, what?"_  Emily asks incredulously.

_"I meant for my fashion gig. Get your mind out of the gutter. I have a few pieces that can work well with her auburn hair. Can you ask her please? I'll pay. Well not much but just please help a friend out"_

_"I'll see what I can do. You know you haven't paid her for any of those pictures she's taken of me."_

_"Well, I am sure you've paid her in-kind."_ Hanna mutters as she checks her textile color palette.

_"I don't follow. Anyway, I'll drop by her place and you can ask her yourself, okay?"_

_"Sure. Also, rude! You didn't reply to my comment on Ali's post!"_

Emily rolls her eyes at Hanna's typical shit-stirring and just hangs up. She doesn't even bother to shower as she visits her only close friend in San Diego.

Hanna can be pretty convincing on things she is passionate about. So it only took a few minutes for Stella to say yes and a couple of days for their next clothing set to arrive by courier.

* * *

H: Can you also do a few pictures together? Just set the camera on timer or something! I want naughty, fierce, and goofy! TIA.

Emily reads out loud Hanna's text before she and Stella have fun doing shoots in the Italian girl's spacious living room.

* * *

_ladykiller posted a new photo._

Alison smiles softly at the notification and checks Emily's post eagerly but her smile turns sour 0nce she sees another person in Emily's glamour shot.

Both of them in geometric sequin party dresses. Emily in gold. The redhead in black. They sat on a couch with their legs extended on opposite directions as they lean against each other's back. It is a glamour shot, of course, nothing to work herself over, except while Emily's smoky eyes stare wide, straight at the camera, the other girl's half-hooded ones linger at her mermaid lips, lip bitten coquettishly. For the first time ever, Ali did not like her mermaid's IG post but her fingers hovered over the comment section.

 **AliDilaurentis:** Who is she?

 **SJHastings:**  Em! Can you answer your phone next time I call you? Caleb and I want to visit. Unless you're busy...

 **ladykiller:** My friend, StellaFausti, remember?

* * *

 _Oh!_  Ali bites her lip _. That's Stella. Of course, Alison knows Stella._ The few times Emily answers her phone, Ali would hear Stella's voice in the background or hear Emily mention her outing with her friend _. Some friend_ , she thinks. And now she has a face to that name. And What's-her-face is fucking gorgeous _. She hates her._

At the back of her head, she knows Emily will be upfront with her if she is dating anyone. Hell, Emily reports all her visits to Paige like a dutiful girlfriend assuring Alison that she need not worry about an ex who she still considers as a friend.

But Ali's rationality flies out of the window when her mermaid is involved. She huffs and tosses her phone by her bed, willing the angry tears to stop as she writes on her journal. She briefly glances at her phone as a new text shows up.

Greg: Babe, are we on for tonight?

Ali: No, sorry, I've got a headache _._

She doesn't bother typing " _rain check?_ " even if her boyfriend will be back to intensive training in a few days.  _So much for her plan to make Emily jealous._

* * *

Meanwhile, Hanna gives herself a metaphorical pat on the back after typing Emily's comment and chuckles at Mona's private message.

Mona: Brewing gal pal troubles, sweetie? I thought I was the schemer.

Hanna: Schemer? Please… I prefer Cupid or Goddess of Love. Those two need to get shit fixed _._

* * *

I Don't Wanna Know – Maroon 5

 

I don't wanna know

I don't wanna know, know, know, know

Who's taking you home, home, home, home

And loving you so, so, so, so

The way I used to love you, no

 

Do you think of me?

Of what we used to be?

Is it better now

That I'm not around?

 

My friends are actin' strange

They don't bring up your name

Are you happy now?

Are you happy now?

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out comical instead of angsty. Thoughts on Stella? Fausti means lucky, btw. I reckon Fausti seems appropriate if you slept with THE Emily Fields. But I like Stella as Emily's friend, not as love interest. Like a sister, let's just IGNORE how they met though, to avoid the incestuousness of that thought. Also, sorry about the Spaleb mention, I'm just following canon (for now).
> 
> Next chapter will be a flashback. Honestly, Maroon 5 songs fit Emison's history. It's just too much angst and love at the same time. It's crazy.
> 
> 'til next chapter, bitches.


	3. She Will Be Loved - High School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily recounts all her memorable slow dances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A flashback (from Season 5x21) within a flashback (when Ali barged in Spencer and Emily's sleepover upset over her brother's pothead friends)

**CHAPTER THREE**

**She Will Be Loved**

**(High School)**

* * *

**(Present - Senior Year)**

_How many times have I done this?_

Emily tries to recall as she holds Talia close. Right now, she realizes she's lucky…lucky to be out of the closet at a young age as opposed to the woman in front of her, broken and confused, married to a man she loves but is not in love with.

Briefly, she thinks of a certain blonde and wonders if this would have been Alison's fate, if she wasn't in – Emily shakes her head, pushing back the ugly thoughts.  _Can you consider someone loyal if she was the reason her friend is rotting in jail for a crime she did not commit?_ She asks herself and takes a deep breath before she spins Talia around, confident that it would be a fool-proof way to make any (broken) girl smile.

She did it with Maya on their first night before Maya was sent away to True North. They slow danced and held each other like it would be their last time together. She supposes it was a premonition on both ends.

Maya loved like the seashore welcoming the crashing waves that was Emily Fields. It was comforting.  _If not for Maya_ , Emily might still be in the closet.  _If not for Maya_ , Emily would not be brave enough to hold Talia and gently guide the older woman to coming to terms with her own self.  _Oh how the roles have changed…_

But Maya was not her first slow dance. Ben does not count, understandably. It didn't mean anything to her.

Emily lets Talia pull her closer, comforting her as they sway to the beat of imaginary songs. She looks at the black-haired beauty before her but sees a different set of eyes, turbulent aquamarine blues.

* * *

**(Flashback – Freshmen Year)**

" _You said you didn't like the apples here."_ Emily asks as she comes down from Spencer's room once she realized that Ali's side was empty.

" _You know Snow White just choked on the apple. Bitch was so greedy she bit a huge chunk and it got stuck on her throat. It wasn't really poisoned."_ Alison says matter-of-factly as she takes a delicate bite of the apple, causing Emily's eyebrows to knit in confusion until she notices Alison's teasing smile.

" _So you're saying that after all this time, Snow White just needed a Heimlich maneuver?"_ She grins and plays along as she occupies the spot on Nana Hasting's couch beside her best friend.  _"Alison, scoot."_ It's a tight squeeze but they still fit.

" _Yes. Too bad, none of those midgets can do it. So Ferdinand had to."_

" _Who? Oh wait, the prince, huh? You're such a Disney geek, Ali."_ Alison blushes and just rolls her eyes at Emily.

Times like this, Emily is reminded that Alison was just a big softie hiding in her Queen Bee façade.

Among their friends, Emily believes she suffers the worst whiplash when it comes to dealing with the beautiful and dark moments of Rosewood's It-Girl.

" _Whatever. Want some?"_ Alison teases, holding the apple with a seductive glint. Emily just rolls her eyes, aware of Alison's tactic to get back in control.

 _Well, not now, you won't,_  she thinks. She smirks, snatches the half-eaten apple, and bites it.

 _"Don't…"_ Emily stops mid-sentence, hacks and chokes exaggeratedly as she holds on to her neck, muttering,  _"Witch,"_ before she promptly slumps on the couch.

" _You, goof!"_ Ali shrieks and pokes her hard on her stomach making Emily yelp in shock.

 _"Oh my god, I'm so sorry."_ Ali exclaims and hovers to check on the sore spot only for Emily to roll over and tackle her to the couch with one hand and start tickling her, eliciting giggles from her best friend.

Emily only stops once she sees Alison's face far too flushed from lack of oxygen. Wordlessly, she goes back to her original position cuddled up to her best friend, who was still catching her breath from the unexpected attack.

A few silent but comfortable moments later, Alison lays her head on Emily's athletic shoulder and wraps an arm around her waist.

" _Ali, you know I'm here for you, right? You can talk to me about anything."_ Emily whispers as she places a comforting kiss on Ali's forehead.

" _I know. Good night, Em."_  Alison says softly and closes her eyes while Emily watches her until she falls asleep. The next day, Emily wakes up alone on the couch.

Emily would have thought sleeping with Alison was a mere dream, if it weren't for the blanket spread covering her and the glass of water by the coffee table.

Ali's the only one who noticed Emily drinks a tall glass of water first thing in the morning during their sleepovers. One time, Ali asked her why and Emily explained that it was to detox and energize, something she read from one of the sports article online.

And from that day on, Ali never forgot to keep a glass or bottle of water beside her best friend's sleeping form.

* * *

Slightly disappointed but not at all surprised of Alison's disappearance, Emily spends her morning chatting with Spencer, but sometimes, she drifted in and out of conversation when it gets too sociopolitical deep for her taste.

Emily and Spencer are the most driven out of the group but they just focus their energies in different venues. The former in everything physical. The latter in all things cerebral.

Soon it was time to leave, she thanked Spencer for letting her stay. Then, she did laps the entire afternoon, tiring herself out, so much so that she was in bed at 7 in the evening.

* * *

Around midnight, Emily wakes up on a mission to sate her growling stomach. En route to her family kitchen, she notices a shadow walking past their front yard. Her gaze follows the figure to the tree with branches conveniently spread outside her bedroom window, now easily guessing who their late night visitor is.

" _What's the point of getting you a spare key if you're not gonna use it, Alison."_ She jokingly hisses in an exasperated tone as she comes out of the house, just before Alison scales the tree.

" _Em?"_ Emily frowns as she hears Alison's voice break and quickly closes the distance between them.

" _Hey, are you okay?"_ She probes gently and gulps as she notices Alison's cut lip and brushes it unconsciously.

" _Who did this to you?"_

" _Nobody. Can we not talk about this right now, please?"_

Emily sighs but nods. Ali keeps all her secrets close like a miser in love with every penny. And the secret behind that bloody lip is probably worth a thousand dollars.

Enclosing Ali's hand in hers, Emily guides her to her kitchen and wraps an ice cube in a towel for Alison. She heats up the left-over her mum kept for her and pours a glass of milk and chocolate chip cookies for Alison.

Once they finish their midnight snacks, they quietly head over to Emily's bedroom.

" _I don't want to sleep. Not yet."_

" _Movie?"_ Emily offers as Alison shakes her head, sat on Em's window seat, staring outside. Emily hums and browses through her iPod, letting mellow music flow through the air.

She knows what Alison needs. After all, she has hanged-out in Alison's place numerous times already, either watching old movies, listening to Ali play the piano or to the vinyl records from Mrs. D's collection. Sometimes she wonders if Alison simply hates being alone with her thoughts.

" _Sorry I haven't downloaded your mom's collection yet."_

" _It's okay, Em. I like this."_ Alison gives her a tiny smile in gratitude and quickly tilts her head back to the open window.

Attuned to her best friend's every facial expression, Emily bites her lip as she watches Alison's nose flare, a sure sign that she's trying to hold back tears. Just then the lyrics weave in to the music. Emily shakes her head at the coincidence. Fate must be playing a joke on them, her more specifically.

Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself

" _Come here…"_ She walks over and gently pulls Alison up. She smoothly places Ali's hand hands around her neck, and wrap hers around the girl's waist as they begin swaying.

And despite the slow dance they're sharing, Emily's heart beats so fast she fears it would leap out of her ribcage. But instead, it stops for a brief second as she glances back at Alison, looking half-scared, half-beseeching.  _Beseeching for what,_ she wonders.

I don't mind spendin' everyday

Out on your corner in the pourin' rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved, and she will be loved

If only she's brave enough to tell those words, herself. Instead, she settles for a comforting half-smile, willing the other girl to know the lengths she'd go just to see her beautiful face light up in happiness even just for a fraction of a second.

Without much thinking, she pauses and gulps before she boldly dips her head slightly and catches the corner of Ali's lips, for a short barely-there kiss.

Before she can second-guess herself and start apologizing, Alison smiles back in return then closes her eyes as she rests her head on the crook of Emily's neck while Emily thinks,  _I love you._

* * *

**(Present – Senior Year)**

" _Thank you."_ Emily blinks, broken out of her reverie as Talia steps backs, kisses her cheek and urges Emily to continue practicing for the pageant. Talia presses the play button so Emily can go back to practice her dance number.

Ohohohoh ohohohoh

I can't remember to forget you

Ohohohoh ohohohoh

I keep forgetting I should let you go

But when you look at me, the only memory,

Is us kissing in the moonlight

She inwardly chuckles at her song choice as she dances and makes seductive faces in front of the mirror.  _Of course,_  she unconsciously picked something relating to her first love, to her first slow dance.

* * *

If Maya was the shore,

Alison was the ocean herself.

Turbulent. Peaceful.

Playful. Mysterious.

_She was… is everything._

* * *

She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5

Can't Remember to Forget You - Shakira

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, how's that? Second song was Shakira's Can't Remember to Forget You but it was unintentionally included.
> 
> Anyway, I really want to explore fetus Emison or well whatever they do when it's just the two of them. We always heard Alison saying that she can be her true self around Em but they never showed what that looked like exactly, so that's my take on it.
> 
> Last, any fluffy songs that can inspire me to write fluffy chapters?


	4. La Vie En Rose - College Freshman Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alison sees life in rosy hues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to do fluffy goodness. Yes! I originally planned to use Maroon 5's Lucky Strike as the main theme for this chapter but I got stuck writing halfway through it.
> 
> Out of the blue, I received a message from a friend of a French song she liked. And it got me going for this fluffiness!
> 
> Oh, in my head canon, Alison and Emily visited each other during their college years. They were never official but that special bond was explored over time. Unfortunately, some things just got in the way between them.
> 
> Also this is my first (mostly) Alison POV. In some respect, I relate more to Alison but I didn't think it was harder to write.
> 
> This is my favorite fluffy chapter so far. Hope you enjoy.

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**Life in Rosy Hues**

**(College - Freshman Year)**

La Vie En Rose

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens

Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche

Voilà le portrait sans retouche

De l'homme auquel j'appartiens

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas

Je vois la vie en rose

* * *

"She got me, she got me, she got me bad…

took me inside and then she rocked me.

She keep me up all night, this is what it sounds like Oh oh oh my lucky strike."

Alison giggles as she watches Emily sing along and bounce to the loud music. Slightly tipsy from the pre-game shots they took, Emily makes a come-hither motion to Alison and pulls her flush, eliciting a loud gasp from Alison and goofy grin from Emily. Then, the latter pulls away.

" _Move it, Ali."_ Emily commands impishly and raises Alison's hands up willing her to lose herself into fast beats and easy rhythm.

Alison crinkles her nose and shakes her head. Honestly, she feels torn between indulging her favorite person by dancing with her, or to step back and commit this moment to memory. Carefree Emily's a little (too) intoxicating and Alison fears, she'd enter into a catatonic state from watching Emily's graceful but alluring moves on the dance floor.

" _I might have to rethink my nickname for you."_  She muses as she pulls away, one hand holding Emily's arm. Alison smiles softly as Emily's forehead creases, causing two little dents just above her eyebrows.

She smooths it gently and makes a quick decision to tease her best friend, as she leans and whispers to her ear,  _"You know mermaid only works on the pool. I'm thinking of a new nickname for when you dance."_

" _W-what?"_ Emily stutters.  _Goddess. Muse. Black Swan._ Alison mentally lists but chooses something else anyway, " _Happy Feet."_ She smirks haughtily and watches Emily's face shift from astonishment, affront, then to an  _I-can't-believe-you-got-me_ grin.

" _Ha-ha! You know the last time I tap-danced was in second grade."_

" _I know. I still have a video somewhere."_

" _No way, you're lying! You weren't part of the recital."_ Emily accuses and crosses her arm, trying to be intimidating as possible. But all Alison wants is to jump her.

" _No. But a little miss ballerina invited me and I asked Mom to record it. I figure it will be useful for future blackmail."_ Alison teases as Emily's mock glares at her.

" _Ugh! You're so frustrating. Come on, I need a drink."_ Emily groans playfully and pulls the other girl out of the dance floor.

" _Can I get you soda or water too? You need to pace yourself, birthday girl."_  She chuckles at a pouting Emily.

" _Not really. Flo will pick us up later. And you need to get a drink too."_ Florence, Emily's roommate, offered to pick them up instead of being their designated driver as she has a paper to turn in the next day. She wanted to be there for Em but had to pull an all-nighter so she settled to pick them up from the club a few blocks from their dorm.

" _Okay, I'll drink alcohol, if you drink water. We alternate. We don't need your mom to hear you retching on the toilet when she makes her early birthday call. I'll be held responsible"_ Alison negotiates while Emily just rolls her eyes in response and drags her to the bar counter.

" _Two tequila shots and a glass of ice-cold water please."_ Ali raises her eyebrow at Emily's out-of-place politeness but Emily just responds with a cool shrug, drinks up her water then gets the salt and lime ready.

Emily then squeezes a few drops of lime between her thumb and index finger, dashes salt on it. But before she can reach the shot glass for herself, Ali has already grabbed her wrist.

Emily briefly catches the flash of annoyance in Alison's eyes which morphs into worry as she takes the glass.

" _My turn, remember?"_ Without thinking about it, Ali licks Emily's salt-covered skin, throws her head back as she drinks the shot, and suck on the lime still held by her best friend.

 _Fuck!_ Emily's soft whimper emboldens Alison to lick the lime and suck it dry, staring at her mermaid ravenously as they make eye contact.

" _Woah! Hot Lesbian Porno!"_ Alison side-eyes the asshole, who dared breathe much worse talk in their presence and abruptly stops what she's doing.

She stares at him up and down and grabs Emily's half-empty glass of water.

" _What are you? Some thirty-year old virgin?"_ She snarls and smirks as the guy's jaw clenches in anger, his fist curled tightly around his glass.

" _Well, are you done jizzing your pants?"_ She asks loud and clear for everyone nearby to hear and witness a classic Alison DiLaurentis' throwdown.

" _Here, let me help."_ She adds without waiting for the pervert's reply and quickly dumps the liquid over his pants. Alison would have splashed the remaining liquid on his face but she stops as she sees Emily shifting awkwardly by her side.

Instead, Ali grabs her best friend's hand as the man stutters and gulps like a fish out of water.  _The house water sure was ice-cold._

She pushes past the sea of bodies grating and grinding on the dance floor and leads Emily outside, just in front of the entrance, needing fresh air.

* * *

" _Alison—"_

" _I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause a scene. I guess I did. But I really shouldn't have lost my temper."_  She takes a few deep breaths and close her eyes tightly, silently berating herself for making Emily uncomfortable on the night before her birthday.

" _Ali, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong."_

" _Really? What would you have done if you were in my place?"_

Emily stays silent, implicitly agreeing with her best friend's previous statement. They both know Emily would just look in pure disgust, mumble  _jerk_  and walk away. The worst she could have done was bump the guy's shoulders.  _Hard._

" _Right. I'm just trying to be more diplomatic and cool-headed. But sometimes I still burst in anger. God knows how that attitude got me in trouble."_ Alison groans and tiredly sits on the pavement.

Since Emily left Rosewood, Ali vowed to work on her problems, hoping that someday she would be good enough for her best friend. Of course, Emily wasn't her sole inspiration. She had her family and other friends to think about but she would be lying if she said Emily wasn't the foremost reason for trying this  _"playing nice"_ thing. For once, she just wants to live a normal life.

Emily sits beside her and brushes her hair, effectively calming Alison.

" _Like I said, you didn't do anything wrong. The guy's a d-bag. He deserved it. Besides, I kinda like you defending my honor."_ Emily teases although a part of her wonders if Ali's reaction was a form of gay panic. She inwardly sighs and wrap an arm around Alison's waist.

" _But if you think you overreacted, maybe next time just close your eyes for a couple of seconds, take a deep breath. Just imagine how you can respond more appropriately. And if all else fails, just think W.W.S.E.F.D."_

" _What?"_ Alison says prolonging the word as she stares at Emily's warm brown eyes.

" _What Would Saint Emily Fields Do."_ She sing-songs and pulls her up as Alison's phone chimes. Without looking at her screen, Alison shuts the alarm and slides the phone back on her purse.  _12'o clock._

" _Happy Birthday, Em."_ Ali smiles and kisses Emily's cheek. While her hand stays on Emily's cheek, feeling its warmth, she gazes at those fathomless brown orbs. As cliché as it may sound, Alison can get lost in Emily's eyes.

During their younger years, Emily's baby browns would sparkle with adoration and awe at Alison like she held all the answers to the universe. It was empowering and shamefully cruel to exploit. But Alison did, and she regrets it every day.

When she came back from the dead, Emily would look at her troubled, worried, and scared like Alison's a Frankenstein monster on the verge of waking.

But even then, Emily would sometimes stare at her with a certain kind of starving. On another person, Alison would call it lust-filled. But with Emily, it felt like some sort of need, a lifeline for Emily to explore and worship her entire being.

In between those tense-filled moments, when Emily allows herself to relax around her, Alison sees a  _promise_ in her best friend's eyes,  _a promise of unconditional love… of being there for her through thick and thin._  Emily's eyes has always been her anchor. She knows she doesn't deserve it but she's working on it.

Alison lets out a tiny gasp as warm lips press against hers. Her eyes flutter close but before she can reciprocate with the same tenderness, Emily's pulling away and pulling her up from the sidewalk.

" _Come on! I'm craving for some bacon and egg goodness!"_ Emily grins giddily as if nothing happened and pulls her away from the bar.

" _What about the club?"_

" _I'm done partying! Besides we have lots to talk about! Didn't you promise to give me a rundown of your college application essays? Did NYU really call to ask if you wanted to transfer from Lit to creative writing? "_

* * *

Emily all but drags Alison to the closest diner, and orders an obscene amount of greasy food, hot chocolate and coffee. As an athlete, Emily has always been conscious of what she eats and practically rations her needed nutrients throughout the day.

A little known fact though, Ali sometimes love to pig out. She almost always eat salads but on special occasions she indulges herself. And Emily would be damned if she doesn't use her birthday as an excuse for Alison.

They sit on a corner booth, swapping stories, teasing banter, and shy glances all throughout their midnight party for two, until Alison's eyes water, doing her best to avoid yawning.

" _Slipping into food coma?"_ Emily teases after paying for their meal and offers to give Alison a piggyback ride to her dorm.

* * *

" _Had fun?"_ Alison mumbles as they settle on Emily's bed and places Emily's arm around her. Florence is asleep on a couch in the dorm lounge.

" _The best. Sweet dreams, Ali."_ Emily whispers back and pulls her closer as she kisses the top of Alison's head.

* * *

The next day was fairly laid back for the girls. After getting a call from her mom, Emily and Ali slept in, until it was time for lunch with Emily's friends.

Although Florence and the others share meaningful glances at the girls' intertwined fingers, nobody said a word. Emily's nice and sweet but she tends to keep her personal life private as much as possible. _As long as Emily's happy,_ Florence thinks.

After lunch, the group breaks up, having their own plans for the rest of day. Emily, unsurprisingly, drives Alison to the beach and teaches, or at least tries her best to teach her the basics of surfing.

" _How can you walk in high heels all the time and not be able to balance yourself on a flat board?"_

_"What do you think?! Maybe it's because said flat board's on top of moving unpredictable surface? Come on, seaweed brain, I'll just get my tan. That way Dad won't doubt about this Malibu trip."_

Without complaining, Emily sets their rented surfboards nearby while furtively glancing at Alison as the latter spreads out a towel and languidly settles on it.

Emily's suddenly brought back to that night last year, a few days after Ali came back from the dead. It was their only night of intimacy before everything escalated so quickly to accusing Alison as their twisted tormentor, and sending her behind bars for manslaughter of their former stalker.

If only she gave her best friend more credit, where would they be? She wishes she –

" _Em! What are you staring at!?"_ Alison asks innocently but Emily just shakes her head, and takes a seat beside her and gets startled as sunscreen tossed on her lap.

 _"Little help?"_ Ali impishly grins before she turns around and lies on her stomach.

 _Ali._ Emily groans internally, knowing exactly what her best friend is playing at. _We've been doing this for years, nothing unusual, nothing,_ Emily chants and closes her eyes as she lathers her best friend's back with sunscreen.  _Nothing._

With hands kneading the knots in her back muscles, Alison involuntarily hums in contentment but stops midway as she feels Emily's hands freeze.

 _"Don't stop, Em."_ She half-pleads half-orders, enjoying messing up her mermaid. Alison may have promised herself that she would stop toying with Emily's feelings but it doesn't mean she'd stop teasing her. Besides a flustered Emily's one of her favorite things.

" _I'm done. You're good, Ali."_ Emily blurts out and gulps down the bottle of water Ali placed nearby.

" _Already? Can you put some on my legs too? Please? I'm feeling lazy."_ This time Ali lays it on thick, practically begging Emily to feel her up.

" _O-okay. Sure."_

Alison bites her lips to stifle her giggles but soon decides to end her best friend's misery,  _"Thanks, Emily. Your turn."_

Whilst Alison wiggled and made suggestive noise, Emily kept still and quiet. She made it an easy job for the other girl. But Ali can't decide if she should be relieved or disappointed.

Afterwards, Alison lies prone again and starts reading some pocketbook she borrowed from Emily's stash.  _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies._ Two of Em's favorite genre rolled into one. Fortunately, Ali's not that picky.

As soon as she notices Emily has dozed off, she absent-mindedly brushes the tanned girl's arm, seizing the opportunity to just make skin-to-skin contact.  _Who would have thought Alison Dilaurentis is clingy_?

She snorts at herself.  _Who is she kidding?_ Since they were 13, Ali has this knack to subtly touch Emily in some form or another.

She sighs and turns the page, as one of her recurring daydreams appears as she ponders,  _maybe in the near future, we can do this in the French Riviera, Emily._

Then, suddenly, an idea hits her.

* * *

**(Few Hours After)**

" _French restaurant? Hmm…. Sure, I know a place."_  Emily answers as Ali hooks her hand around Emily's arm, just strolling along the mall. They just finished shopping for dresses to wear for dinner later, and are now idly passing time, looking around the shops and sharing apple fritter doughnuts in a box.

Soon it was time to head back to Em's dorm and get ready for dinner. Like many restaurants in Malibu,  _La Coupole_ has outdoor seating overlooking the beach, with fairy lights strewn across the patio umbrellas.

The girls sit beside each other, quietly watching the Californian sunset brushes the sky with interspersing colors of muted orange, calm blue, pale pink and arresting violet.

Alison just ordered for them in fluent French, impressing the maître d' so much so that they were promised complimentary desserts.

" _You sure you haven't been to France before?"_ Emily checks to which Alison shakes her head and gives Emily a dimpled smile and a clipped, " _Nope."_

" _Well, why not? You could ask your Dad for a trip, if you want. Jason has been there."_

" _I made a promise to myself."_

" _What promise?"_

" _The first time I'd be there would be with the person I want to be with forever. Paris won't live up to its name as the most romantic destination if my first visit will not be with the love of my life."_

Emily blushes as Alison looks at her meaningfully, a lot like she did when she was talking about the Legend of the Kissing Rock several years back.

" _Who do you want to – "_

" _Oh I love this song."_ Alison interrupts and pulls Emily's hand as the faint but enchanting music of  _La Vie En Rose_ plays.

Ali leads her to the small space in the middle of the restaurant, and places Emily's hands around her waist before she circles hers on her mermaid's neck.

She hums and sings softly as they sway, " _Des yeux qui font baisser les miens… Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche."_

" _Uh I don't know what that means."_

" _Em, you sat with me through basic and advanced French. Were you even listening?"_ She teases, pulls her close, and sings-whispers to Emily's ear.

"Hold me close and hold me fast

The magic spell you cast

This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me, Heaven sighs

And though I close my eyes

I see la vie en rose…

I thought that love was just a word

They sang about in songs I heard

It took your kisses to reveal

That I was wrong, and love is real"

* * *

The past twenty hours feels like a magical spell. And Alison doesn't want it to end. But tomorrow morning, she has to leave for home.

There are a million and one conversations she must talk to Emily about… her past manipulations, Emily's insecurities, their old flings and romances, her family, their future,  _everything_ , how can she squeeze it one night? Why would she? It is her best friend's birthday. She wouldn't take off their rose-colored glasses. At least not today.

* * *

La Vie En Rose- Édith Piaf

Lucky Strike – Maroon 5

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> La Vie En Rose means Life in Rosy Hues. I honestly thought I won't be able to do this chapter but this song sure pulled me through.
> 
> Oh, soft Alison is life, isn't she? I'm pretty sure she can give Aria a run for her money when it comes to being an old romantic sap.
> 
> Now, I wonder if you are wondering what happened to them in college. I have an idea. And I already have song choices for it, hopefully I can crank up my creative juices.
> 
> HELP: Would you prefer I follow canon after college or create my own version of them getting together?
> 
> I like how the show ended for Emison but I don't want to rehash it here, however I am not sure (yet!) how to get them together without using the medical rape plot. And I love the Emison babies so I'm torn! SOS!
> 
> Up next: The reasons why they weren't together in college. Oh and I have several Senior High School angst Emison chapters in mind. I hope that is okay.


	5. Come See About Me - College Sophomore Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to listen to several songs just to get the right vibe for this chapter, even though I already had an introductory paragraph in mind. Yes, I'm quite OC with my song choices. Blame my love for musical theatre and movie soundtracks.
> 
> Since it's a mostly Alison POV Chapter, I got another classic. From the Supremes…
> 
> P.S. Oh don't be confused about the first part, it is supposed to be in Alison's head or not. You'll see…

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**Come See about Me**

**(College - Sophomore Year)**

* * *

" _You know there is beauty to death."_

" _What do you mean?"_ The man on screen slumped on a battered couch; the droop on his eyelids cluing sleepless troublesome nights. He plays with his father's revolver, deliberately spinning it around his palms while he watches the pale slight, who stands calmly staring back at him.

" _Death preserves all your memories, mystifies them. You're finally important to everyone you're leaving behind. You can't have that if you're still alive."_

" _You'd barely lived. You wouldn't know what you're talking about."_

" _I wouldn't. That's why you should. Do me a favor for the last time, Ollie, please."_ The girl asks then leans over and whispers her final request,  _"Live. For me."_

The girl's translucent body fades into nothingness while Ollie looks on in despair, staring blankly as his whole world falls apart. Except, he grants her a last favor, and lets the gun drop on the soft rug underneath him.

What follows is a montage of Oliver picking up the pieces of his life after losing his girlfriend… his ghost girlfriend.

" _What Ollie didn't know is that it was Katherine's punishment. Every few years, days or decades, some lost person would be able to see ghost Katherine, fall in love with her until they realize that they can't have her. Those who were in it too deep would blindly follow her to death, but the ghost girl always tried her best to save them, just like she did with Ollie. It was her retribution, for ending her own life for a man who never loved her."_

The narrator says as the next scene unfolds with Katherine meeting a new man, murmuring her constant prayer,  _"let him be my last_."

* * *

Ali bites her lip as she observes her best friend, tears freely falling in her mermaid's eyes. Emily sniffs and takes her tissue offer while the rest of the movie-goers applaud.

Her short story for a creative writing class was picked up by her professor and used as an example of contemporary romantic tragedy to his other classes. Eventually, it reached a group of cinema studies undergraduates from UPenn, who also then tapped her to write its screenplay.

Alison wouldn't consider it her best work. In fact, she'd be the first to admit that it echoes Calypso's story from  _Odyssey._ The anguish of tragic love has always been a relatable to the masses and therefore profitable enough for an indie film group.

" _It's just a movie, Emily."_ She speaks off-handedly and takes the empty popcorn box and their shared drink away from the still sniffling girl.

" _Why can't they have a happy ending? Or at least let Ollie be the last one."_ Em whines but Ali just shrugs. She really doesn't have an answer to that. She relates to her characters, anyway. Unlike her best friend, she never believed in happy-ever-after. Her life is a testament to that.

It was a series of misfortunes with glimpses of goodness. Only sometimes, Emily makes her believe in happy endings, but Alison doesn't dwell on uncertain things.

" _Oh and why did you use Catherine? You didn't even bother asking me if you can use my name. Aaand you didn't show me your short story either. I would have anticipated this and avoid being a crying mess."_

 _You're so cute._ Alison thinks as Emily rants and frowns on their way out of the cinema house. Instead of voicing her opinion and risking Emily's further aggravation, Ali just rubs Emily's arm soothingly.

" _First, if you didn't notice the closing credits, it was Katherine with a K and not a C. Besides, no one calls you by your second name. Second, this is the exact reason why I didn't show you my drafts, you would just persuade me to end it on a happy note, all that mushy squash cliché. Yuck!"_

Alison snorts but silently muses,  _and I would have been convinced and probably get a lower mark because apparently I can't say no to you_.

But for Emily's sake, she relents and proposes, " _Alright, how about this… I'll write you a fairy tale that you can read to the kids at the shelter for Christmas? You can treat me dinner after."_

Emily smiles giddily at Alison but shakes it off with a nonchalant shrug that fools no one.  _Well, how can she say no to that, really, oh no wait –_

" _Deal. But no severed body parts, okay? The last time you did one, you forgot to inform me that it was Grimm Brothers inspired. I almost sent a copy of it to my little cousin!"_

" _He's 10, Em! He would have loved it."_ Alison sticks her tongue out and lets out a deep sigh upon seeing Emily shivering at the cold draft Philly climate often brings.

" _You've already acclimated to California. Next thing I know, you're already speaking like them."_  Alison complains and takes off her white leather jacket.

 _"Here, take it; I'm not cold at all."_ Alison assures Emily, who at first tried to trade it with her burgundy-striped scarf.

The jacket's a little loose on Alison's petite body. But the leather hugs and accentuates her mermaid's toned arms and lithe frame, eliciting a barely conscious lip-bite on Ali's part.

She would have continued checking Emily out, if it weren't for her best friend's next words.

" _Me? Like that's gonna happen! Cali Slang is 909 as fuck."_ To Alison, Em's delivery sounded like a mix of valley girl preppy and "surfer-dude" slang.

" _909?"_

" _Trash."_

" _Right. Please don't do that again, if you don't want my eardrums start to bleed"_ Alison shudders and reaches for Emily's side to pinch but the taller girl jerks away.

" _Oh, I forgot you're ticklish!"_ She grins naughtily like a Cheshire cat ready to pounce on the poor mouse but Emily swiftly grabs her hands and intertwines their fingers, standing right in front of Alison.

" _You wouldn't wish to do that, Alison."_  Emily threatens; her voice was stern enough for Ali to accede to, if it were not for the faint hint of Emily's dimpled smirk, debunking any pretense of seriousness.

But before Ali could push through with her tickle torture, Emily hits her a question, hopefully enough to distract her from any nefarious plan, " _So, what are we having for dinner? I'm starving."_

" _I prepared pizza before you got here. I can just heat it up?"_ Alison says as she leads them to her car, still holding hands with Emily.

" _Pizza Everything?"_

" _Yes, pizza with all your favorite, because I cannot order that anywhere near Hollis. I think your mom and I are the only ones who make it actually. Who else would if it requires almost triple the time to make a one-flavored pizza as opposed to your four-flavored very specific monstrosity?!"_

" _Well, you guys love me."_ Emily quips confidently before they get in the car.

 _Touché, Em. Touché._ Alison thinks as she starts the car and make the fifteen minute drive back to her place.

* * *

" _So what does your dad think of your movie?"_ Emily asks as she reaches out for her third slice and rests her head back on Alison's lap.

" _Nothing. He hasn't seen it."_

" _Well, why didn't he? This is the last screening, right? Was he busy?"_

" _I don't know if he's busy and I don't care either. I uninvited him."_

" _Well, why?"_ Emily asks in baffled tone and sits up so she can look at Alison better.

" _We had a fight about Charlotte."_ Alison says tersely, her fingers clenched on her lap. Emily shifts uncomfortably at the information. She knows Ali will tell her if she asks, she's just unsure on whether she wants to know what it was about. But as she observes Alison, a rush of concern flows through her.

Ignoring her own discomfort, she asks for details.

* * *

Basically, Mr. D stubbornly refused to visit Charlotte in Welby despite Alison's and sometimes Jason's repeated pleas. He thinks shouldering the expenses would be enough as paternal support but they all know Charlotte can pay for her own institutionalization.

The last straw was Alison's discovery that her father was taking steps to ensure that Charlotte could not inherit from him, and also reverse Charlotte's adoption. Only Alison's threat to altogether stop communicating with her own father made Mr. D rethink his actions.

" _Alison, you're my only child. As much as it pains me to share my last name with a psychopath, I wouldn't do it but I need you to understand that I'm just trying to do what's best for us. Charlotte will never change. We have to cut her off if we want to live a normal life."_

Alison groans at her father's bias over blood relations, not just with Charlotte but also Jason. Sure, he's a Hastings biologically, but it was Kenneth DiLaurentis, who named and raised him. But that is a fight for another day.

Alison wisely picks her battles and for this round, she chooses a simple clean but loaded shot,  _"She's family, Dad. Even if she's not part of yours, she's mine."_

And then she hangs up.

* * *

" _So, does Mr. D still call you?"_

" _We e-mail. I send him updates on school and he talks about work. Nothing personal. Dad likes to think that we're okay as long as he knows I'm still breathing and taken care of. Whatever makes him sleep at night, I guess."_ She sighs and rubs her face in frustration as she continues talking.

" _I just wish he sees that Charlotte's improving. The doctors are thinking of giving her out privileges soon. I can't wait…, "_ Alison trails off as she feels Emily stiffen beside her.

" _You know you can come visit with me tomorrow? See for yourself that she's changed."_ She offers gently as she rubs Emily's shoulder in slow circles, silently asking, needing, Emily to say yes.

" _I-I can't. I promised to have lunch with my mom."_

" _Maybe next time you visit? Or we can FaceTime with you, whenever you're free."_

Emily's lips form into a straight line as she gives a non-committal nod and grabs the plate.

" _I'm pretty tired, Ali. Can we finish the pizza tomorrow? For breakfast?"_

" _Yeah, sure. I'll just put it in the fridge." Maybe next time,_  Alison hopes as she hops out of the couch.

* * *

" _Em, Emily, wake up!"_  Alison says frantically shaking her best friend. Alison has always been a light sleeper so she was easily awakened when Emily shakes beneath her.

The other girl's sweating profusely, tears flowing as her body shakes although her hands remain firmly clenched on her sides, looking every bit trapped in her own personal hell.

Alison pauses once she hears her best friend whimpering,  _"Not Ali. Please…"_

She hugs Emily tightly, willing her to get out from whatever hellhole she is in, as Alison whispers, " _I'm okay, Em. I'm here. You're safe. Ssshhh…"_

* * *

" _You look like crap."_  Emily mumbles as she finishes her cold pizza and proceeds to make tea for the blonde.

" _Good morning to you too, loser."_ Alison mutters and sips some of Emily's black coffee, just to jolt her awake before she gratefully receives her green tea.

" _I only meant that you look like you haven't slept well. Sorry."_ Emily explains and kisses her cheek mumbling  _good morning_  before she heats up the last slice she reserved for Ali.

" _Well, you were mumbling last night. What were you dreaming about?"_ Alison asks trying to sound casual and curious.

" _Mmm... Did I? I can't remember?"_ Emily replies and turns away from Alison, under the guise of preparing breakfast.

 _You're still a bad liar, Em._ Alison inwardly sighs. There's only one reason Emily would refuse to talk about it. The reason being her sister,  _A._

She briefly wonders if this is what Mike feels when he was dating Mona. Forsaking blood for love or vice-versa. She fears that she has to make a decision soon. Whoever said winners take it all must be an idiot or a fucking liar too.

* * *

Their morning is spent in a somber mood, neither making any attempts at small talk as they pretend to be busy cleaning or packing up.

As they spend the rest of the day separately, their thoughts continuously run rampant about their tense-filled night.

Emily spends the night at home, making some excuse about missing her mom as Alison lies on her bed, already missing the warmth and comfort only her mermaid can bring.

She thinks about Charlotte on how glad she was to see her, and she supposes it was enough. Charlotte can be her retribution from her past transgressions. She'd be like the ghost Katherine: she may not be happy, but she was at least trying to save a life.

Emily invites her for breakfast before she catches her plane back to Malibu but Ali bails out for fear that this will be their last (official) goodbye. She wants to prolong this illusion as much as she can.

But she regrets it several weeks after as majority of her calls to her mermaid were sent to voicemail and her texts unanswered.

Predictably, Emily ignores her during the weekends, despite the fact that their relative free schedules. She guesses, no,  _she knows_  it has something to do with her previous request to bridge the gap between her mermaid and her beloved sister.

She thought it would be a deliberate choice on her part to just be friends (again). But, for the second time, the rug was pulled under her, as it was Emily who chose to relegate her back to friendship.

Never has there even been a more painful role for Alison – a best friend to the only person she has ever loved. Only her best friend.

* * *

Come See About Me –The Supremes

Keep on crying baby for you

I'm gonna keep sighin' baby for you

So come on hurry

Come on and see about me

(Come see about me)

See about you baby

Sometime's up

Sometime's down

My life's so uncertain

With you not around

From my arms you maybe out of reach

But my heart says you're here to keep

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So no surprise that Charlotte was the main reason for their non-break-up. I think there are other reasons that will come into play. We'll see.
> 
> Anyway, angst af! I seriously need fluffiness after this. (Here's to replaying 7x20 Emison clips) Why, o, why Emison can't talk?! Damn it!


	6. Lost Stars - Midway College Junior Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's starting to fall into an abyss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to scourge for more than a handful of songs just to get this chapter going. I even listened to Circa Survive (Tobily's fave band) and other pieces, which are definitely out of my preferred genre. Ironically, I ended up with Maroon 5 again. Lol. Again, I'm not a huge fan but the lyrics just resound to me well.
> 
> So this chapter is a form of character study of Emily. I want to explore Emison's weaknesses, and hopefully turn them to strengths.
> 
> FAIR WARNING: As early as now, I want to warn you that I will likely not make it an epic (one for the books) kind of love story. The odds of this story being anticlimactic are high. But this story is a form of wish-fulfillment on my part for the characters to grow as their own persons and then maybe one day find their way back into each other, never to part again.
> 
> I have yet to determine all the landmarks of their journey but my heart is pretty set on the destination. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to help me steer their course.
> 
> Warning: POVs will alternate. Hope it is not too confusing. And this is not a happy chapter. Also there's Paige.

 

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**

**Lost Stars**

**(College – Midway Junior Year)**

* * *

And God, tell us the reason

Youth is wasted on the young

It's hunting season

And the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning

But are we all lost stars

Trying to light up the dark?

Who are we?

Just a speck of dust

Within the galaxy?

Woe is me

If we're not careful

turns into reality

* * *

 _"Only a few people know that I'm not a natural swimmer. My parents didn't toss me in the pool and I just started doing butterfly strokes."_  Subdued laughter echoes through the chamber, allowing Emily to loosen her grip on the sides of the podium.

" _That's farthest from the truth. I remember I was three years old when Dad brought me to the adult pool, then decided I was ready to learn. My first swimming lesson was ugly. I thrashed, wailed and clung on to him desperately."_  Emily bites her lip to stifle her sobs as she continues sharing one of her most favorite memories of her father.

 _"As I held him, I remember Dad, whispering,_ _' **Little steps, Emmy. Little steps**.' He… he… he taught me how to make bubbles under water. Paddle. Stroke. Float. Everything. Almost every day of that summer, Dad and I went swimming._

_I guess he was trying to make up for the time lost when he was on active duty. While I was just happy because I was with Dad. It was one of the best times of my life. My dad taught me how to be brave, to be patient and persevering._

_There are so many things I want to learn more from you, Daddy, I wish you were still here. I'll miss you._ " Emily says, her voice breaking as she looks at her dad's casket, and quickly turned her eyes away as she feels her mother envelope her into a warm hug. Both of them shake as the reality of Col. Wayne Fields' passing starts to sink in.

* * *

She takes a seat beside her best friend, Hanna, who immediately wraps an arm around her tightly as they watch Pam Fields give the final eulogy.

Emily stares at the casket with her jaw clenched as she wills the tears to stop flowing. She hasn't viewed her dad lying there. She has no plans to.

She wants to remember her father in his simple blue grey sweater as he made the girls a stack of pancakes and hot chocolate last holiday break. Smiling kindly at her as he inquired about school, her friends, and  _girlfriends_.

She blames the last part on Hanna, who like an annoying younger sister, spilled that morning.

* * *

**(Last Holiday Break)**

" _Mr. Fields, you should be proud of Emily!"_ Hanna gushes as she drinks from her cup:  _hot chocolate, marshmallows and whipped cream_ – the only way Christmas drink should be done, according to Hanna Marin.

" _I am, Hanna. But is there any particular reason I should be?"_ Wayne Fields smiles kindly, tiny wrinkles appearing on the corner of his eyes, shifting back and forth from the sassy girl in front of him and to his own daughter, watching Emily, standing atop a ladder, strewing tinsel and garland around the house.

" _Because… she's living up to the family name… You know, plowing the Fields!"_ Hanna grins mischievously and even wiggles her eyebrows for emphasis to Wayne's amusement.

" _Hanna!"_ Emily shouts, twisting to her side to glare at her busybody friend. Feeling a light tap on her ankle, Emily begrudgingly looks down to see an annoyed Ali, who wordlessly readjusts Emily's wayward foot on the ladder step.

Seeing his daughter's back on steady footing, Wayne hums, eyes twinkling as he comments, " _I believe you mean playing the field, Han? Emmy?"_

" _Same difference, Wayne. Same difference."_  Hanna speaks knowingly and glances back at a flustered Emily and a scowling Alison, who all but groans and commands, " _Less talk, more tacking, Em. Han, go be useful."_

Both estranged from their fathers, Alison and Hanna gladly joined Emily for their annual Christmas decorating and took turns endearing themselves to her father, who is (was) unquestionably the best dad out of their friends'. It was Em's best Christmas break,  _if_ only because it was her last time spending it with her father.

Speaking of Ali, Emily feels the girl's thumb brushing her wrist comfortingly whilst Emily's hand lies atop Hanna's lap, with Hanna sandwiched between them.

She stiffens for a second as she feels another hand brushing her back but then she remembers who is sitting behind her - Paige.

* * *

Noticing the blatant way Paige tries to outdo Ali's gesture of comfort, Ali side-eyes her former nemesis in disgust, then rolls her eyes in exhaustion.  _It was like a competition to the other girl._

When Ali offered to get Emily something to drink or eat, Paige, without being asked, handed her sandwich and coffee.

When Ali volunteered to help Mrs. Fields prepare food (something she had done countless of times before), Paige popped in the kitchen, just to catch up with Mrs. Fields (something Ali's sure Paige never did).

As if everything Ali did for the Fields had an underlying motive that needed to be outshone, when Ali just cares for them. She'd do it for her other friends' family too, well maybe not Mr. Montgomery and Mr. Hastings, but the sentiment remains.

 _Maybe this is why Emily chose to hold on to Hanna, her Switzerland from a DiLaurentis-McCullers Cold War,_  Alison muses but shakes her head,  _now is not the time nor place._

She focuses her attention back to her grieving best friend. But Emily doesn't look like she was grieving.

She sits ramrod straight, jaw clenched as she stares ahead – a tunnel vision towards the casket of her father. It is unnerving to Alison, for Emily had always worn her heart on her sleeves. Sometimes Ali thinks Em loves and cares so deeply, it overflows in her eyes. But not this time. Ali tilts her head to see Em's face, a storm brewing her eyes,  _but the tears won't fall._

Inexplicably, sheer panic grips Alison. She squeezes Emily's hand, willing her mermaid to come back.  _From where? She doesn't know._

* * *

Despite her proximity to the rifle party, the three-volley salute echoes like distant church bells ringing in Emily's ears. " _Burying Alison and Maya_ " shattered her heart to a billion pieces, like humpty-dumpty. It ached so badly but time allowed her to glue herself back together.

Losing her father, however, brought a different kind of misery. It feels like drowning, something so unnatural for her. It feels like losing the sun itself. It is pointless to wake up  _in abyss._

No matter, Emily holds her mother's arm, lending strength she doesn't have as they go through the motions of thanking guests and receiving consoling (meaningless) hugs. Only four of Emily's friends are able to attend the service and pay their last respects to Col. Wayne Fields: Hanna, Alison, Paige and Toby.

None of them can help her.  _Not even Alison._

* * *

" _Do you girls want to stay the night?"_  Pam Fields asks Hanna and Alison as they wait on the sidelines.

Alison readily agrees, her eyes puffy from crying, " _Yeah. Hanna?_ "

Hanna shakes her head though, making up an excuse about an early drive back to New York. Truthfully, she's not in a rush to go back to the city but she knows… she hopes Ali will be more than enough comfort for their best friend.

" _Call you tomorrow, Em."_ She smiles sadly and hugs Emily for the last time.

* * *

" _Remember that time we brought stray kittens back here? We thought we were so clever to keep them inside the laundry room. But your dad's allergy was so bad, he started sneezing the moment he came home."_ Alison reminisces as she lies on her side facing Em.

Emily chuckles softly, hums and reaches over to brush the stray hair off Ali's face.

" _Yeah. When they heard the purring, you jumped all of a sudden and told my parents it was your idea to bring them here. You said, tearfully, that you didn't know about his allergies. I honestly couldn't decide if I should be mortified or grateful that you're lying to my parents to cover for me."_

Ali smiles softly and shifts a little closer, just enjoying listening to Emily as she recalls a fond memory of her father. Her mermaid was silent for the most part of the night, only giving short responses to Ali's and her mom's questions, not that they talked much. But for some reason, this particular memory miraculously pulls her out of quiet misery.

_"Well, your dad promised us ice cream that afternoon, I couldn't let them ground you for wanting to keep Wiggly, Jiggly and Puffy. You really suck at naming pets, by the way."_

" _Me?"_ Emily grins and fake coughs, " _Tippi! Pepe!"_

" _Whatever, Pokémon geek. Anyway, I was sure we couldn't do ice cream run that day. But Mr. Fields powered through and kept his promise despite his red drippy nose."_

" _That's Dad for you."_ Emily whispers as the memory warms her heart until she realizes that's all she has left of her dad… memories. She bites her lip as Alison intertwines their fingers and Emily finally stops holding back and just lets the tears fall.

" _It hurts, Ali."_

* * *

Ali thought that last night she had a break through Emily's newly-minted shield but boy, was she wrong. Emily was distant the next day. She haphazardly packed her bag and left Rosewood as soon as her aunt arrived to stay a week with her widowed mother. It is as if the entire Rosewood's her father's graveyard. She couldn't get away fast enough.

If it weren't for her biweekly family therapy with Charlotte and Jason, she'd follow her mermaid back to Malibu.

During her last group chat with the girls, Spencer, after noticing Em's unusual absence, voiced her worries over Emily's alcoholic tendencies.

Hanna and Aria rallied for their absentee friend, however, reminding Spencer and informing Alison,  _"Come on, you guys, Emily built six houses in Haiti over the summer after Maya died! Six!"_

Aria nodded at Hanna's words and added her two cents as well,  _"Let's not forget who became anchor and star athlete after Ali went missing."_

Sure it was a toss-up between sinking and swimming, but Alison had faith in her mermaid. She  _will_  pull through.

* * *

For several weeks, there was radio silence on Emily's end, not for lack of trying on her friends' parts.

But they collectively sighed in relief as Em posted pictures of her mountain trail running in Malibu. Her rare posts consisted of partying clips with her new friends, occasional runs along the beach or mountain climbing, mostly alone or an in a couple of times with her ex, Paige.

She also started answering calls and messages not as often as Ali would like but enough to feel that Emily's well and good as everyone else thought.

If Ali wasn't too busy glaring at the patently platonic pictures of  _her_ Emily with Paige, she would have realized that it was uncharacteristic of her best friend not to post anything about her swim meets, even as an assistant coach, Emily's team spirit ran high, after all.

But as it is, Ali was busy nitpicking her self-inflicted wounds - too busy to realize that Emily was hiding her own deep scarring ones, letting them rot, for all the devil cares.

* * *

Lost Stars – Maroon 5

But don't you dare let our best memories

Bring you sorrow

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

Turn the page,

Maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we're dancing in our tears

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels a little like a filler chapter when it comes to Emison. I actually intended this to be longer as I want to delve on Emily's indecisiveness and coping mechanism but I think it should be done later on, possibly tied up to Ali's coping mechanism. I know I promised fluff but I just needed to get this idea done with.
> 
> Questions: Do you think Emily would have lasted as a coach? I feel like she's not the sidelines/cheerleader/orchestrator sort. She's more of a woman of action so I'm thinking of a career change for her. Would modelling work? (Girl sure can work it.) Of course, enlisting with the army is an option, so is being a doctor. At this point, I wouldn't be shocked if she decides to be a firefighter. Any ideas?
> 
> Should Rollins exist in this verse? I'm still 50-50 on making Charlotte good/bad and alive/dead.
> 
> Anyway, I will try my best to write something fluffy soon.


	7. Bad Decisions - College Ali's Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've received a few interesting suggestions on ffnet as to Emily's career directions and Ali's dating preferences. With these options, I ask myself would these characters' personalities veer that path or not.
> 
> For Ali's dating preferences, I mostly thought it would be out-of-character for her to date women other than Emily. But we'll see if a little self-exploration is applicable here. Not sure yet. What do you think?
> 
> For Em's career, that modelling thing makes me giddy, but it's a Shay Mitchell thing. Could it be an Emily Fields' one too? Hmm… maybe? Well, we'll see.
> 
> Song Choice (AG's Bad Decisions) was last minute. Meh.

 

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**Bad Decisions**

**(Ali's College Graduation)**

Emily blows a sharp whistle once Alison walks up the stage.  _Graduating with Latin honors, color me unsurprised,_ Emily grins and raises a double thumbs up as soon as Ali finally finds the source of that embarrassing sound, blushing and beyond pleased to see her.

" _Americano! Over here!"_

 _It's just Cece. Just CeCe,_ Emily replays on her mind as soon as Charlotte's eyes met hers. She pulls the most sincere smile she can give and tread the crowd to reach Ali's siblings.

" _Ali didn't mention you were coming."_ Charlotte says in her slightly broken voice with a teasing lilt.

" _Well, I was not officially invited but duly informed so here I am."_ Emily shrugs shyly.

" _Couldn't help it, huh?"_ Charlotte says knowingly as she watches her sister turn around to catch a glimpse of Americano.

Emily bites her bottom lip refusing to answer.  _Odd, this feels nice, being teased by my former tormentor_ , Emily contemplates and takes a deep breath as she surmises why. Charlotte, as CeCe, seems to always know the extent of her and Ali's feelings towards each other;  _"CeCe"_  didn't tease with a scrutinizing stare, unlike Spencer or Hanna, she just teases for teasing's sake.

With that thought, Emily gives a shy nod at Ali's sister and looks straight ahead, blushing as Ali winks at her then turns around to cheer for her college friends.

* * *

" _I can't believe you're here!_ " Ali squeals and quickly reaches Emily for a hug. She closes her eyes and sighs,  _Emily really gives the best hugs._

" _I'm not. I'm just a figment of your hyperactive imagination."_ Emily teases as she pulls back to Ali's disappointment.

" _Figures. You clean up good today."_ Alison throws back with one eyebrow arched as Emily frowns with her eyebrows knit.

" _Well, real Emily would be standing her in red flannel and short denim shorts, for sure. Good thing, I give imaginary Emily a better fashion sense."_ Alison explains and gestures at Emily's cotton white romper with tiny blue elephant prints and gives Emily a nod of approval.  _Sexy and cute just the way she likes it_

Emily blushes as she catches Alison give her a once-over and shifts shyly on her Grecian sandals for a brief second before she formulates a good comeback, " _so how often do you imagine real Emily?"_ Alison's jaw drops but before she can retort –

" _Oh god, can you please stop flirting? Some people have schedules to follow here. Ali, don't forget our dinner reservation in half an hour."_ Charlotte butts in, also alluding to her Welby curfew, she sounds exasperated but her eyes dance in amusement at the two. Alison gets the hint but allows Jason to take a few pictures before they head to a fancy Italian restaurant near Hollis.

* * *

The conversation on the way and over dinner had been light, mostly focusing on Alison's rich college experience interspersed with the others' – her literary achievements, Jason's smelly dorm room and Ivy league pride and rivalries, Charlotte sitting-in other classes just to rile up the professors with heavy flirting or hard questions. Emily, on the other hand, tries her best to steer away from her own college experience, still sore over her (secret) academic failure.

" _Did you get your diploma already, Em? Sports medicine in Pepperdine isn't it? Shouldn't be that hard for you. You took AP Chem and Bio, right?"_ Jason asks and looks at Ali for confirmation. In turn, Alison glances at Emily and frowns in confusion upon seeing her mermaid look like a deer caught in headlights.

" _Uh… no, I have a handful classes left, should be done next term."_ Emily says as she avoids her best friend's eyes. This is exactly why she make numerous excuses not to come back to Pennsylvania, or more specifically to visit Alison. She can lie as well as any of her best friends but Ali sees through any bullshit she weaves.  _Fake it, 'til you make it, Emily,_ she grits her teeth and prays that their time apart would have dulled Ali's spidey-like lie detector sense.

She looks around, and suddenly asks out of the blue, _"so, um, where's Greg? Is he coming? Baseball season still on?"_

" _Yes."_ Alison answers shortly but before they can table the topic. Charlotte once again puts Alison on the spot, " _yes, it is still baseball season but Alison and arm candy Greg aren't."_

" _Since when?"_

" _Thanks for sharing to the class, Charlotte."_ Alison rolls her eyes tiredly and takes a sip of her wine to stall time.  _"We broke up a month ago. It wasn't working."_

" _What? Why? And why didn't you tell me?"_ Emily looks at Alison skeptically, ready to fire 20 questions at her best friend.

" _I'm sorry. Did I have to report everything to you? Weren't you busy with that Italian bitch_ _ **and**_ _Paige the past months?"_ Alison taunts.

" _We talk all the time, Ali. You could have mentioned it."_ Emily sighs and speaks softly to stop things from escalating.

" _All the time? Really, Emily? You take days to reply, and you never answer my calls. We talk on your terms, Em. I supposed I should be flattered; with you sleeping around, I'm sure you only have a few precious hours to catch up with friends, right? I'm so lucky Emily Fields gives me the time of the day."_

" _What?! Where did you get that idea?"_ Emily volleys back, trying to look insulted but all she feels is guilt and  _they're not even together._

" _Hanna. She mentioned hearing "very" feminine voices on the background whenever she calls you. The voices were never the same, save for Stella, according to her. Maybe that's why you don't answer my calls, right?"_ Alison lashes back, not expecting an answer. Of course, she wouldn't. Emily looking down ashamed is all the answer she needs. Alison takes a few deep breaths before she excuses herself to bathroom, making sure to stall the angry tears from falling.

Jason tilts his head not-too-subtly to Charlotte's way, silently asking her to follow their sister but Charlotte just waves him off,  _"You go. Wait for her outside. She needs someone to calm her, J."_ Jason stares back at his sister, contemplating for a few long seconds before he complies leaving Emily with their former tormentor.

" _You guys need to talk."_ Charlotte says, watching Emily closely, whose jaw clenches as she fishes several notes from her purse, ready to foot her bill.

" _Don't you dare leave, Emily! Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my sister's life. Thanks in part to you. But it's turning out to be one of the worst though but you can still save it, if you just sit down and discuss whatever this is."_ Charlotte says exasperatedly and nods as Emily stays seated.

" _Good. And for the record, I'm rooting for you, Americano. But if you break my sister's heart again, you better run to some third world country before I –"_

" _Or you'll what? Are you threatening me?"_ Emily challenges, her eyes flashing in anger. She knows what Charlotte is capable of, but her fighter instinct has always been hardwired.

" _Look, you're allowed to hate me. I expect to spend a lifetime being hated and feared by your little ragtag of friends. All I can do is accept it and try not to add any not-so-innocent victims to my long list of transgressions. But I'm allowed to be protective over Ali, Emily. You can't expect me to let you hurt my little sister just because I tortured you before. It doesn't work that way."_

Not disagreeing with Charlotte, Emily instead brushes her hair shakily and mumbles,  _"I didn't mean to… hurt her, that is. I didn't even know why."_

" _I know. That's why Alison could never hate you even if you're a sanctimonious clueless asshole sometimes. "_ Emily looks at her confused wondering when that happened but before she can question Charlotte, Jason's already accompanying Alison to their table, one hand on his sister's back in a protective but calming way.

" _We've paid already. We can go."_ Alison adds and tilts her head at Emily.

" _Movies?"_ Jason offers as Emily and Charlotte get up.

" _Actually, can you take me back to Welby, Jason. Em, can you drive Ali back home?"_ Charlotte doesn't flinch as Alison stares back at her. If anything, she finds it laughable. Her little sister's all bark, anyway.

" _Yeah, sure. Ali?"_ Having lost the fight in her, Alison concedes and reaches out to hug Charlotte before she leaves with Jason.

* * *

" _Thanks for coming, Em. I appreciate it."_ Alison says softly finally breaking the silence on their way to the DiLaurentis' residence.

" _I was just there for the pasta."_ Emily smirks, and steals a glance back at Alison as the stoplight turns red. She doesn't mean to tease. She just wants to have a conversation with them facing each other, preferably while neither are half-focused steering the wheel.

" _You prefer Italian cuisine over French, huh?"_  Alison teases when they both know Emily's love for everything French only roots from the person now sitting at her car's passenger seat, so she just chuckles and shrugs.

" _Seriously though, I didn't think you'd come, especially knowing that Charlotte will be there."_

" _I just compartmentalized and think I was seeing your friend, CeCe and not, you know, A. I know how important today is for you, Ms. Top-of-Her-Class. I couldn't miss it."_

" _And how's that working for you? Compartmentalizing?"_

" _Um… good. Your sister's not that bad."_ Emily smiles curtly. She isn't completely sold on the new and improved Charlotte yet. She's not even sure she wants to give her a chance. Really, her only reason for attending Hollis' commencement exercises was to see a certain Graduate.  _Compartmentalization Aced,_ Emily inwardly scoffs.

" _Anyway, when's your graduation? I want to return the favor."_

" _Uh… no idea. I'll text you the details, okay?"_ Emily asks as she parks the car, and notices their slow pace towards the porch.

" _Ali," "Em,"_ they say simultaneously as they reach the door.

" _You want to come in?"_ Alison asks, normally she'd jump at every opportunity to ask Emily to stay the night but with the incident that transpired that afternoon, she didn't know what would be the best idea. Luckily, Emily takes the initiative.

" _Yeah, we can catch up."_ Emily says as she steps in and softly adds,  _"I owe it to you."_

" _You don't. You're allowed to have a life, Em. I was just being petty and selfish."_ There I said it, Alison thinks. She knows that she does not have any right to be mad but she really can't help feel hurt.

" _Well, I want to. So…"_

" _Wait. Please don't tell me about your sex escapades. I'm not Hanna, okay. I don't want to realize any bi-curious fantasy vicariously through you." Fuck, I didn't say that. Idiot._ Ali berates herself as she sees Emily looking hurt.

" _That was a joke, I mean. I mean not the first part because there's such thing as TMI but –"_ She groans as she catches herself in a quicksand.

" _Yeah, I get it. After all, you've already realized your bi-curious fantasies_ _with_ _me."_  Emily bites back, her tone edgy.

Alison used to wish for Emily to stop being a push-over,  _to be as strong as she is beautiful_ , her wish was granted in the most frustrating way, however, with this passive aggressive version.

" _Em, can we talk without fighting? For once please?"_ Alison begs and takes a seat on the couch, gesturing for Emily to do so.

Emily sighs and rubs her neck as she takes a seat, several inches away, but facing Alison,  _"Yeah sure, I just don't know where to start."_

" _Me neither."_

" _Hanna's right, you know, I did sleep around."_ Emily blurts out, hating herself as Alison's breath hitches.

" _I'm not proud of it. I felt dirty… When I get your messages and calls, I just… I don't know… all I know is I didn't like what I was doing."_ Emily croaks silently panicking as she awaits Alison's reaction.

Alison closes her eyes for a few seconds, trying to once more keeps the tears at bay, she's been doing it a lot in the past few hours,  _"You're single, Em. Unless you're not, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You are, right?"_ Alison prays that Emily says yes - she doesn't want to deal with the complications of a third person in their already complicated friendship right now.

" _Sometimes… well most of the time, I feel that I'm not. Even miles apart, you have this hold on me, Ali. And I don't know what to do with it."_

Ali's eyes are searching hers, hopeful as opposed to her confused scared ones, then asks evenly as she can,  _"Well, what do you want to do?"_

" _I don't know."_ Emily confesses as she looks down on her lap. She does know what she wants but she dare not hope.

" _Em,"_ Alison says oh-so-softly as she reaches out and brushes the back of her fingers against Emily's cheek. Ali sighs as Emily closes her eyes, and just lets Alison's caressing hand quell her jumbled feelings.

" _Do you know what you want to do?"_ Emily then asks and holds her hand tenderly with eyes still closed.

Of all days, of all freaking days, now shouldn't be the day that words escape Alison DiLaurentis. She wants to ask Emily to stay, to give whatever they have a chance but she doesn't want to scare her away. She's hinted on it before, when she came back to Rosewood but with every forward step she made, Emily made a couple steps back. And so she tries a different approach.

Instead of answering with words, Alison cups her mermaid's cheek and closes her eyes as she leans in for a soft kiss, pouring all her love and promise as their lips touch, hoping the kiss would enough to reach her message across.

But to both their surprise, and against Emily's better judgment, Emily deepens their kiss, tongue probing and sucking Alison's as she pulls her best friend to her lap.

Thoughts on CeCe's advice are easily pushed to the back of Emily's mind as her best friend gasps in pleasure.  _"Emily"_ Alison moans as her head lolls back the moment Emily nips the crook of her neck.

Tired of thinking, Emily moves into auto-pilot as she carries Alison to her room, hands and lips roaming as she maps out every sensitive spot on Alison's body that she missed " _that night_." She knows exactly what she wants right now and that is - to take this woman lying underneath her. She's been addicted to several things the past months: sex, booze, partying, why not add something she has always wanted?  _Consequences be damned tomorrow._

Alison gets a feeling of déjà vu as Emily's eyes blacken with desire.  _Oh no, this won't be another one-night stand, Em._  Against her baser instincts, Alison grabs Emily's wrist just before she slips inside her, " _Em, stop."_

* * *

Bad Decisions - Ariana Grande

I been doing stupid things

Wilder than I've ever been

You've become my favorite sin

So let 'em keep, let 'em keep on talking

That's right

We got that hood love

We got that good love

Make me make bad—

Girl, you make me make bad decisions

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh cliff hang!
> 
> Well, I realize that my chapters feel like roller-coaster: it ratchets up to fluffiness then plummets to angst. I hope you don't get tired of all the angst. Trust me, I want to write a purely fluffy stuff but I do think Emison have a million issues to deal with it.
> 
> For example, I find it so easy to write jealous Ali in this chapter. While I'm not happy with her being possessive and insecure, at this point in their relationship, it makes sense for her to lash out. So let's hope they can find that healthy balance in due time.
> 
> Warning for Next Chapter: It gets worse before it gets better. For now, please enjoy the flangst! But do not worry, I won't make Emily force herself upon Ali. I'm not that angsty. 
> 
> Questions: Was CeCe/Charlotte in character here? I mostly watched PLL for Emison, so I'm not sure if I did okay. Any thoughts on Emison's issues that should be focused on? I have several issues in mind but I can use fresh ideas.
> 
> Thanks for the comments! Keep 'em coming. I'm excited to hear from you.


	8. A Higher Place - College Ali's Graduation Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali takes Em to a higher place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One anon (from ffnet) makes a very compelling argument as to Alison's dating experience. So I'm quite excited on how to tackle it convincingly. No concrete plans on how to do it yet but I'll try my best!
> 
> Warning: Water Metaphors! A few flashbacks! And oh my, the FLANGST! Yup, I coin it. Fluff + Angst!

 

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

**A Higher Place**

**(College Ali's Graduation)**

I don't know if I'm the fool who's getting this all wrong

_That's the dream to sing, the perfect girl, the perfect song_

All I know is I can't keep on wearing this disguise

When you're the only one that sees what's real in my eyes

* * *

**(Emily's POV)**

_You know what's crazy about competitive swimming?_

It consumes you. You have to practice long hours just to shave off a millisecond from your last record. Every star athlete is a little obsessed with winning, whether it is beating your opponents or your own personal best. There's a heady rush to it. Scientifically, they call it endorphin but in simple terms, it is a natural happy  _drug_.

Swimming, on the other hand, equals  _weightlessness_ , literally and figuratively. Being one with the water washes all your problems away. It puts you into perspective, places you in a proverbial outer space, making you realize that your woes are smaller than the ocean, or well the pool, Emily's not really picky.

Swimming calms her. Well, it used to until it became a painful reminder of what she has lost.

_See,_ there is a great difference between  _swimming_ , and  _competitive swimming._

When she's swimming, the water welcomes her like a lost child, happy to take her home in its arms.

But when it involves a starting pistol firing through the air as she plunges, the water greets her as a long-lost best friend, play-fighting. For every stroke and kick she makes, there's an equivalent swooshing, as if spurring her on to success.

_Go, Emily, Go, Emily, Go!_ The water would have whispered loudly.

That's why it hurts to swim. Her shoulder won't let her go faster than her junior varsity self would. Still fast but not enough to get that heady rush.

_And that's why_  she gets her weightlessness fix elsewhere –drinking, partying, and sleeping around.  _Her alternative routes into oblivion._

The closest (probably only better) thing than competitive swimming?  _Alison._

Every moment she spends with Alison –

_Hearing her soft voice,_

_Their hands grazing,_

_Stealing glances at each other,_

_Seeing Ali's close-lipped but dimpled smile, which tells her that Ali's just embarrassed over being too happy or pleased,_

All those little things make her giddy with excitement. It is as insane as walking on water (but Emily doesn't want to be blasphemous).

But unlike the easy predictability of competitive swimming, being with Ali is a dangerous thing.

_A carefully-placed double entendre,_

_A scathing glare, or_

_Scared or angry grip, that leaves crescent-shape marks on her arm,_

It pulls Emily down really fast towards the bottom  _like traitorous undercurrent_.

* * *

**(Present Time)**

And so, hearing Alison say,  _"Em, stop!"_  feels like getting sucked into a whirlpool.

Upon seeing Ali's pleading eyes, Emily rolls on her back and takes big gulps of air as she rubs the heels of her palms over her tired eyes. Without looking at Ali, she tries to say,  _"I'm…"_

But Ali cuts her off gently, hovering over Emily's prone form, " _Please don't say you're sorry, Em. I'm not. I just don't want to regret this in the morning."_

After a few (several) calming breaths, Emily lowers down her hands and looks back at Ali, her eyes reflecting her swirling emotions.

Alison must have caught the hurt flashing across Emily's eyes as she hastily adds,  _"I just mean I don't want this to be a one-time thing, Em."_

_And there goes Alison saying all the right things._

Emily sighs and gazes at Ali in the dark, searching for any sign of lying. She can't find any. At the back of her head, Emily knows she will not find one. But  _still_ she can't shake off that fear, fear of getting what she has always wanted, and losing it  _all_ in the end.

" _I need a drink."_ Emily mumbles, slowly gets up and heads to the bedroom door, constructing a casual calm façade as she waits for Ali.

" _Go ahead. You know where it is. I'm going to change first. Do you… do you want me to get you some clothes? You still have pj's left."_

Chewing on her inner cheek, Emily easily detects the double meaning behind her gracious hostess' offer,  _"will you stay?"_

She shakes her head with a sad smile and turns her back on Ali, ready to leave the room.

One brief pause, however, was all it took for her to change her mind and say, _"Maybe later, Ali."_  Emily turns around hoping to see Ali's reaction but only catches a glimpse of her best friend's bareback before she marches to the hallway, needing that drink more.

* * *

By the time Alison reaches the kitchen, Emily's already in her second glass. She has achieved that warm buzz by drinking her first full glass in three slow but continuous sips.

As she watches Ali cross her arms and fiddle with the hem of her sweatshirt sleeve, she wonders when their roles have reversed.  _When did Alison become the prey, and she, the predator?_

Ignoring her pointless reflections, she then lifts the wine bottle, a silent question whether to pour some for her best friend.

Nodding quickly, Ali grabs herself a glass, allowing Emily to see the design on Ali's sweatshirt, an elegant script that ended with a small heart.

_"I remember getting you that."_

* * *

**(College Freshman Year – Emily's Birthday)**

" _I thought you've overgrown your corny graphic tees."_ Alison groans as they look around the Santa Monica Shopping Mall.

The girls have just found dresses to wear for Emily's birthday dinner later (in record time too, Emily notes).

Now with a couple more hours to spare, Emily insisted on getting a souvenir for Ali's first visit in Malibu. And in typical Emily fashion, she gravitated towards the graphic tees.

" _Umm… Why would I? They're wardrobe must-haves. Seriously, what better way to be cute and clever at the same time?!"_ Emily snorts incredulously seemingly spouting off a universal truth that Alison never heard of.

Sighing at the cute dork before her, Ali just responds with a weary shrug and drawls out,  _"I'm going to let that statement pass, only because it is your birthday,"_ earning her an eye-roll for Emily.

" _Whatever, it's your fault anyway. This "corny" graphic tee addiction. Remember what you got me for my 12th birthday? CHLORINE: THE FRAGRANCE OF SWIMMERS shirt. The one with the chic perfume bottle print? That got me hooked."_

" _But I gave it to you as a **joke** , Emily. Second that was your 12th birthday, you turned 19 today, regress much? And, did you just admit that you have an addiction?"_

Fourth, it is true, you make chlorine smell good, Alison adds to herself, whilst shaking her head at the silly girl before her.  _Did I actually have pervy thoughts at the age of 11?_ Alison wonders too.

" _Wow! You rebutted my entire statement, piece by piece. Are you planning to join Spencer in law school in the future?_ " Emily grins and tilts her head,  _"Come on, pick, Alison."_

Alison shakes her head and scoffs in response,  _"No way, you pick. I'll approve. This way if anyone, God forbids, sees me wearing it, I can blame it on you."_

" _Plausible deniability. Yup, future lawyer."_ Emily teases and resumes looking at the graphic tees,  _"well, we need something that screams you. Okay how about this?"_

" _I FLY BUT I NEVERLAND?"_ Alison raises the green sleeveless with a Peter Pan print that Emily offered.

" _What? You like Tink."_

" _Yes, Tinkerbell. Not Peter Pan. He's a self-centered man-child."_

" _Okay, how about this?"_

" _I put the LIT in Literature?"_ This time Alison couldn't stop giggling as she gets the grey shirt with a cartoon Shakespeare drawing in the middle,  _"You are literally the corniest person I've ever met, Emily Fields."_

Blushing shyly at the comment, Emily bounces on the soles of her feet and looks at the next rack to find another one.

" _Beach please? So you think I'm a bitch, Em?"_ Alison arches an eyebrow and mock glares at her mermaid.

But Emily's too Alison-smart to take the bait and raises her hands up in surrender, " _Alright fine! I'll have one made just for you and then mail it. It has to be original anyway."_

" _Don't I get a veto?"_

" _Nope. You've used up all three already."_

" _WHAT?! I DIDN'T KNOW THERE'S A LIMIT?! EMILY"_ Alison screeches while Emily's face puffs to stop herself from laughing. Laughing at an irate Alison is no different from waving a red flag at a bull.

And Emily plans to live longer than her 19 years out of her mom's womb, so she holds Alison's arms, rubbing them gently.

" _It's going to be fine. I promise you'd like it."_

And just like that, Alison's back to her cool collected and happy self but not before pinching Emily's side hard. Those puppy dog eyes are Alison DiLaurentis' undoing.

* * *

**(College Freshmen Year - Christmas Break)**

Despite her promise to mail the "epic" top to Alison, Emily chose to personally deliver it on her first day back at Rosewood for Christmas break. Of course, Alison loved it. But Emily couldn't be prouder of herself when Ali wore it to their sleepover that night at the Hastings barn.

" _Bel Jenesizekoi? Hmm… Sounds fancy."_ Hanna comments, reading out loud the elegant script on Alison's sweatshirt as she grabs the Cheetos Ali passes.

" _Belle Je Ne Sais Quoi._ " Spencer says in her perfect French and nods in approval, " _Redundant. But sweet."_

" _Uhh… why is it redundant?"_ Hanna throws her follow-up question and rests her feet on an unsuspecting Emily's lap, looking flushed all of a sudden.

" _Em, are you okay?"_ Aria asks from her spot on the loveseat beside Alison.

Once Emily nods in response. Spencer proceeds to explain to the rest of the girls,  _"Well, it literally means Beauty I Know Not What. While je ne sais quoi literally translates to 'I know not what,' it is also an idiomatic expression for something **indescribable but beautiful.**  Hence, redundant but it could be an effective pleonasm."_

" _Pleonasm means use of more words than necessary to convey meaning."_ Alison explains right after, saving Hanna from asking.

" _Thanks, nerds."_ Hanna mutters with a playful smile but then frowns as Emily looks really red on the face right now.

" _That's so sweet, Ali. Where did you buy it?"_ Aria asks.

" _Oh no, it was a gift. Custom made."_ Alison says quietly and shares a meaningful look with Emily that nobody missed. Aria and Spencer kindly keep their lips sealed as they notice Emily slowly slumping in the couch, possibly wishing to disappear, if not for Alison's soft smile towards her.

_Of fucking course!_ Hanna thinks then sits up to whisper on Emily's ear,  _"Since when are you a poet?"_

_I took a couple of days to come up with that, thank you very much,_ Emily inwardly snorts but doesn't say a word; she just rolls her eyes, unwittingly breaking that love trance she had with Alison.

" _Is this a gay thing?"_ Hanna whispers again, quoting herself as she giggles on Emily's ear, and basks on Alison's (harmless) stare-down.

" _Shut up, Han."_

* * *

**(Present)**

Both girls smile at the memory, dissipating the tense-filled atmosphere in the DiLaurentis' informal dining area/kitchen.

" _Yeah. I'm surprised it still fits."_ Alison sighs and hugs herself shyly.

" _Hey now, that line will always fit the shirt owner, Ali. I promise you that."_ Emily smiles back shyly, recalling their little moment a while back.

* * *

**(Flashback – Sort Of)**

A few months ago, during Alison's general check-up, she was diagnosed with a hormone imbalance that wreaked and is still wreaking havoc on her system, causing weight gain, headaches, and depression, among other things. During one of their video chats, Alison begrudgingly spilled it to the girls, only after Hanna tactlessly asked if she was pregnant. Hanna, of course, apologized profusely but Alison's confidence already took a mighty blow.

Emily was unsurprisingly absent but Aria made sure to pass the information to the best person that can lift Alison's spirits up.

Sure enough, Emily called that night and forced Ali to a FaceTime (friendly) date. She ignored Hanna's asinine suggestion to watch Shallow Hal together, and just hung out with her (actual) favorite blonde, talking of everything and nothing.

Emily toured the city, showing Alison her favorite secret spots in Malibu from the dive bar where she sometimes plays pool, to the swings along the Pacific Coast, and to her recent discovery, an Indian restaurant that serves the best samosas.

As payment for her VIP virtual tour, Emily requested Ali to play the piano, with occasional singing, to read out loud some of her favorite literary passages, with Alison quoting sporadically from memory, and to narrate a horror story (Emily's favorite) on the spot. Basically, Emily just asked Ali to do all of her own favorite things, positive that it would cheer Alison up.

Naturally, Alison indulged her best friend. She was floating on cloud nine for the entire date. Emily did not have to utter a compliment to make her feel beautiful. It was already painfully obvious in the way her mermaid looked at her – pure adoration. No other person can make her feel that way.

* * *

" _Is that why you and Greg broke up? Was he that superficial?"_ Emily asks in disgust and sets her glass down. She's mildly shocked that it is still half-full. By now, she would have drank the bottle in half if she was alone in her studio in Malibu, but as it is, she has a different happy pill before her.

" _Not really. It didn't bother him. It just wasn't working."_

" _Why not, Ali?"_ Emily bites the skin on her thumb and asks, not even sure if she wants to know the answer.

Recognizing the opportunity before her, Alison subtly swallows dry and gives a small smile to Em,  _"It didn't work because I'm in love with someone else. I've only ever been in love with one person._   _I… I… haven't moved on from **her**. I don't think I ever would."_

" _Ali-"_

Ali cuts her off and takes a small step forward, wanting, needing to look at her mermaid's eyes as she finally, finally tells her everything.

" _I'm in love with you, Em, probably even before I realized I was. And I know I hurt you, played with your feelings because I cannot deal with my own. But I love you even then. And I know I don't deserve you. But I want you to know that you will always have that hold on me too... I will always be yours."_  Alison's voice breaks as she cups Emily's warm cheeks with both hands and smiles tearfully.

Ali feels half-relieved for confessing but still scared of Emily's reaction but she's Alison DiLaurentis and she never did anything half-assed.

And so she takes a leap of faith and asks,  _"Call me selfish. But I want to know if I have a chance, if you can be mine too?"_

Instead of answering, Emily's lips curve into a disarming smile, takes Alison's hands in hers and places gentle kisses on the top of Alison's fingers, her eyes never leave Alison's dazed face.

_God, Ali, do you really have to ask me that?_ Emily thinks and closes the distance between them, pulling Alison for a slow kiss,  _that kind of kiss that feels like finally._

After a few blissful seconds, Emily pulls away and smiles as she sees Alison, sighing with her eyes are still closed, reveling in the tiny circles Em's finger draws on her nape, leaving goosebumps on her wake.

Chuckling softly, Emily pecks her lips and waits for Alison to open her eyes. And once Ali does, Em rests her forehead against Ali's then softly whispers,  _"For the record, you have me. You've always have me."_

* * *

**Higher Place – Maroon 5**

You take me to another space in time

You take me to a higher place

So I, I'm about to get out of the race

I don't mind

You ought to know that everything's nothing

if I don't have you

* * *

**End of Act 1**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Feels like the ending doesn't it? It can be, if you want. But if you don't, please keep seated on this rollercoaster ride. (Or maybe I should do this as a book 2 instead hmmm).
> 
> On my ominous warning last chapter, I do have the bad part planned since the last chapter, including its Song Title/Chapter Name. But I didn't want to dump everything in one go. So please savor this reprieve. It will get worse (insert evil laughter).
> 
> On the swimming reference, I do love swimming so I kinda went over-the-top with it. I hope I did not bore anyone.
> 
> On the graphic tees, this was an unplanned fluff. Yay! Anyway, I researched the first 4 shirts (including the chlorine one). They exist, I swear. The last one, well, I've always wanted to use the phrase je ne sais quois in this fic, so voila, instant custom-made graphic tee for Alison. (Also I don't speak French. I hope the words were grammatically correct. Do tell me, if not).
> 
> On the hormone imbalance mirroring Sasha's health problems, to me, it was a shame that PLL did not tackle that. Their loss, my gold mine though.
> 
> On the suggestions of jealousy as impetus for Emison to get-together, sorry guys, I do not wish to go that route. To me, it's not really a mature way to go. I want them to be on the same place on their own terms, not because of some third party. Of course, I'm not discounting the fact that it happens in real life. But it won't happen here. (Sure, third parties may exist but it will not be the major arc).
> 
> On Aria's role, I know Spalison kinship is awesome but I feel like Spencer will be a neutral party over time. She loves Emily and Alison equally. Then there's Hanna that will be Team Emily for sure. So I need Aria to even out the score for Ali. I think with their romantic inclinations, it will be good for Ali to have Aria as a confidant on things Emily-related. Thoughts on that?
> 
> On Emily's tenderness, although we didn't see it much on TV, I believe that Emily's tooth-achingly thoughtful. Ali may be all about grand gestures and declarations. But Emily knocks Alison's feet with the simplest of things. Hence, Ali's gaga over that cute dork. They're just fucking fluffy! (SO YOU HAVE TO VOTE/TWEET ABOUT THEM FOR TEEN CHOICE'S CHOICETVSHIP, GUYS).
> 
> Lastly,
> 
> Again, thanks for the reviews and suggestions! Drop me a line anytime, sometimes I feel silly writing these author's notes. Lol.


	9. Sunday Morning - College Ali's Graduation Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pillow Talks and Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My current problem: Once you go Emison fluff, it's hard to angst back. But that's the theme of this story so…

**CHAPTER NINE**

**Sunday Morning**

**(Ali's College Graduation Part 3)**

Fingers trace your every outline

Paint a picture with my hands

Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm

Change the weather still together when it ends

* * *

" _When?"_ Emily says in her sexy raspy voice, sending shivers down Alison's spine.

" _Hmm?"_ Alison stops drawing circles on her mermaid's back while Emily lies still, face buried on the crook of Ali's neck, arm wrapped around her waist and occasionally dropping lazy kisses on her neck and jaw.

They're both boneless from hours of making love but still too wired to sleep. And so, Em and Ali lie in bed, tangled around each other and just enjoying this quiet intimacy of their newly-founded relationship.

" _A while ago you said you love me even before you realized it, so when did you know?"_ Emily expounds, pulling away a few inches back just to look at Ali properly, and pouts as the other girl sits up and securely wraps the sheet around her.

Quirking an eyebrow, Ali pulls the sheet over Emily's bareback and chuckles,  _"stop pouting. You can't expect us to talk seriously and be naked at the same time, can you? "_

" _Sure, we can. We've done it a million times in the locker room.'"_ Emily insists but soon bites her lip upon seeing Ali stiffen at the memory of one of her most hurtful acts.

" _Sorry,"_ Emily mumbles.

 _"It's okay, Em. It was one of those moments, anyway."_ Ali smiles ruefully then looks down to draw imaginary circles on her sheet-covered knee.

" _Huh?"_

Shaking her head at the adorably confused look Emily's sporting, Ali then rests her head on her outstretched hand, elbow propped over her pillow, carefully choosing her words,  _"have you ever felt getting the wind knocked out of you just because your crush passed by?"_

 _"Yes."_  Emily whispers and dares glance back at the very same person who inspired that feeling.

_"I haven't."_

_"Ali…"_ Emily whines as she notices Ali's teasing smirk.

They've come along way now,  _Emily muses._  In high school, any time Ali ridiculed her feelings Emily felt an ass-huge nail being drilled to her coffin.  _Cause of death: unrequited love._ Right now, however, Ali's denials clearly spell tongue-in-cheek humor.

 _"I have, okay. I have that with you, Emily. But I wouldn't call those times earth-shaking realization. Um… it's more… axis-tilting, a really slow axis-tilt."_ Ali responds, now feeling the heat creep up her neck as she recalls their fondest memories.

 _"Like glacially slow?"_ Emily teases back with a goofy (smug) grin.

_"Do you really want to know when or not?"_

Emily simply rolls her eyes at her snarky retort and wags her hand as if to say  _carry on._

 _"Have you ever felt your world shifting? Not monumentally. But there are moments you'd realize there is something different? I… I have a few of those… with you."_ She answers truthfully, her voice growing softer at the last words.

_"Like?"_

_"Grade school. I knew then you were special."_

* * *

**(Flashback – First Grade)**

" _Ali, can I borrow this?"_

" _Sure. I'm almost done."_  Alison replies without looking up as she meticulously fills up the spaces on her artwork.

" _Oh, let me see."_ Emily says excitedly and hovers above her, noticing some things are missing, " _Hey, where are Mr. and Mrs. D? And Jason?"_

Quickly, Emily checks the clock above the board.  _Four more minutes. Does Ali have enough time to finish hers?_

 _"Mom and Dad are always out-of-town for work. Jason's out most of the time so..."_ She shrugs and places down her green color pencil. All done. They've been doing this  _Draw Your Home_ thing since kindergarten. Ali's pretty over it to be honest.

" _You're alone at your house? Is that safe?"_

" _No, silly. I have a sitter. But I'm not gonna draw some rando, am I?"_ She argues, now irritated at Emily's pitying look.

So to cover it up, Ali crosses her arms down the table, a playful smirk in place, ready to spill her precious (fabricated) secret,  _"Think about it, Em. No parents or annoying brothers. I can do everything I want. Fun, isn't?"_

Emily purses her lips and shrugs, still uneasy at the thought of Alison practically living home alone. She tries to recall the lyrics of some old song her Nana used to sing,  _a house is not a home when there's no one there to hold you tight, and no one there to kiss good night._

" _It still lacks something. Here, let me."_ She quickly slides the paper off Ali's table and quietly draws for a couple of minutes. It's not her best work but it will do for now.

" _There. That's me and Max. You can't have all the fun on your own, Ali. Max and I want in."_ Emily explains pointing at her self-drawing and that of a small dog beside her.

Ali stares at the unsolicited additions on her work and rolls her eyes, doing her best not to grin too widely at her already pleased best friend,  _"Fine. But dibs on…"_

* * *

"… _the remote control. I remember that."_ Emily finishes Ali's story for her as a conceited grin gradually forms on her face.  _"So you're saying you're in love with me since first grade?"_

" _No, I said special. You're not listening."_ Alison scolds with a firm grip on Ems side.

" _Ouch! Quit it!_   _Or I might have to rethink this."_

" _Then stop being a jerk!"_

" _Make me."_ Emily sticks her tongue out with an amused glint on her eyes. But it soon vanishes as Ali catches her lips, placing three soft kisses,  _"stop."_

" _Okay."_ She concedes easily and sighs as they pull apart.

" _So, that's one. I knew then that you'll always be there for me, Em, even if no one else would. I cannot thank you enough, love."_

Hearing Ali's confession, Emily just takes her hand and kisses her knuckles tenderly as her wordless  _welcome._

" _What else?"_ Emily asks after a beat.

" _When I… I got mad at you at the locker room. You scared me then."_ Ali whispers so quietly now that Em would have missed it if they weren't inches apart, unconsciously gravitating toward each other.

" _What? Why?"_

" _Because you make me feel things I never wanted to. The entire time in your car when you wouldn't look at me, I wanted to apologize and make things right. I never felt so scared of losing someone. I hated it._

 _And then while I was on the run, I thought of you a lot. At first, I was consumed by guilt and regret. But over time, thoughts of you grounded me, gave me hope. I tried to imagine what you'd do if you're with me - how you'd protect and remind me that everything would turn out okay. I did miss you the most, Em."_ Alison rambles shakily, still uneasy showing her weaknesses, even if it's with the person she can trust the most.

Emily gives her an understanding smile then speaks softly, hoping to distract her from their ugly past,  _"ask me when, Ali."_

Confused, Ali simply raises a perfectly-shaped eyebrow in question.

" _Ask me **when**  I knew I love you." _Emily explains patiently. Ali keeps her eyebrow arched, now with a playful smirk in place.

" _Fine."_ Emily rolls her eyes, inwardly chuckling at her girl's predictable defiance, and then hums in mock contemplation.

" _I think it was the first month of our seventh grade? We had our try-outs: you and Spence for field hockey, and I had swimming. Then, we had a celebratory sleep-over at my place after. I guess you were really tired so you snored loudly, obnoxiously loud, to be honest."_

" _I did not!"_ Alison scoffs and glares at her mermaid but Emily just shrugs it off, impervious to Alison's death glares.

" _Uh… yes, you did. You know what's funny?"_

" _This made-up story?"_

" _No. You were snuggled beside me. How can I not miss that racket? But when I woke up and realized that it was your nasopharyngeal system that's disturbing the peace. I just pulled you closer and fell back asleep. Probably because I was knackered too but I may or may not be smiling when I woke up the next morning. That's when I knew I love you."_

" _Because you can only sleep in complete silence and not even white noise?"_ Alison fills in the significance of her mermaid's little eureka (read: delusional) moment.

" _Exactly."_

" _But only hypothetically speaking because I never snore, right?"_ Ali then counters, refusing to admit an embarrassing fact she did not know about herself until now apparently

" _You can ask Spence or Aria. Or you know you can just trust my word, babe."_ Emily cheekily offers, excluding their heavy-sleeper best friend. Ali just dismisses it with a distracted snort as she's busy secretly swooning over Emily's easy use of the word  _babe._

" _Okay, now ask me **why."**  _Emily drawls, catching Ali's eyes and then maintains a heated gaze with her girl.

Genuinely curious, Alison doesn't bother to formulate a witty remark and proceeds to ask,  _"Why?"_

 _"Why? When I say, 'I love you,' Alison. I want you to know that it's not because I want you or because I can't have you **. It has nothing to do with me.**  I love who you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your darkness and your light, seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly who you are. You're one of a kind." _Emily confesses, her voice laced with profound honesty and breathless awe that leaves no doubt in Alison's mind that she can never find anyone like Emily Catherine Fields.

And so, as soon as her mermaid stops talking, Ali kisses her softly and deeply at the same time. A paradox by itself – kissing Emily's a calming breeze and passionate storm, like coming home and burning it down, everything all at once. It's crazy.

" _And you're one hell of a kisser too."_ Emily quips breathlessly as their foreheads touch for a brief pause to take in much needed oxygen but soon Ali's leaning in for round 2 or at least Emily thinks it is until…

" _Ow! Ali!"_ Emily yelps and sucks on her bottom lip to check if it's bleeding from Alison's hard bite.

" _And you're one hell of a plagiarist! Did you just quote Buffy?"_ Alison intones, clearly unimpressed. Now, Emily's not sure which is real: the love-drunk Ali who kissed her senseless just ten to fifteen seconds ago or this fire-breathing Alison.

" _I… Um… Maybe?"_ She stutters, pouting as she then continues,  _"…not everyone's a writer like you, okay? Just because I copied it, it doesn't mean it's not true. I do love all parts of you, even the parts you think are ugly. Especially those,"_ her tone swinging promptly from playful indignation to sincere testament.

That would have easily cooled Alison's ire had Emily refrained from offering,  _"I can say it again, and quote and unquote Joss Whedon, if it makes you feel better?"_

" _Em! God, California made you ten times more insufferable!"_ Alison groans and hits her with a pillow hard.

" _Ow, babe, stop!"_ Emily shouts, grabbing the pillow before she gets hit again. Knowing Ali, she's on guard for a surprise attack but her lips form into a predatory grin as soon as she catches the accidental partial undoing of Alison's wraparound sheet. Wasting no time, Em hooks her finger right in the middle of the (unwanted) fabric and stares at a delectable Alison, " _now let me show you **how much**  I love you."_

She then kisses Ali softly, swiping her tongue on the other girl's bottom lip in a tantalizingly slow pace before she whispers,  _"It will be an Emily Fields Original, I promise."_

Alison laughs softly, and gently holds on to Emily's neck, as their languid kisses become more heated. In her daydreams, Ali would imagine teasing and kissing shy sweet innocent Emily but her reality turned out better as she lets this smooth-talking goddess straddle and worship her,  _"Em, don't stop."_

* * *

**(The Next Day)**

" _I'm gonna miss you."_

" _I'll be back in a month and a half, Ali."_ Emily assures her as they stand in front of her car parked outside the DiLaurentis' residence while Alison clings on to her mermaid one arm wrapped around her side as they side-face each other.

" _You sure you don't want me to visit?"_

" _Positive. I'll be working crazy hours for my internship then sleeping it off at a cramped room in San Diego, anyway. You'd get bored there."_ Emily half-lies, pulling off a disappointed smile that comes off as a grimace once they separate.

" _Fine. Come back here as soon as you finish that internship, okay? No extensions. I don't care if Salk offers you to be part of their cancer dream team. I need you here."_

" _Hmm… Alison DiLaurentis' needs are greater than mankind. I see where your priorities lie, babe."_ Emily teases, getting better at making bold-faced lies at her girlfriend.

" _And for the last time, I'm with the neurosciences team, Ali, not molecular pathology. You know researching damaged nerves and spinal cord for sports injury and the like? You can't get cancer from hitting your head on the pool wall."_ She jokes as she dumps her overnight bag at the back of her car.

* * *

_And that's Emily's New and Improved Lying Game Plan: Interweave Lies and Truth so None Will be the Wiser._

Before she dropped out of college, she did plan on interning for Salk Institute, originally for the biomedical sciences team but she'd taken an interest on neurosciences after taking a couple of electives in psychology (in her hopes to understand their previous stalkers' better). Although more confusing with the Latin terminologies, she sees it as less messy field than biomed, looking at the human nervous system as a power circuit black box that you have to untangle and jolt back to life.

Another factor peaking her interest is that the most debilitating sports injuries are nerve-related.  _So by all means, Em has a good grasp on the subject matter she's lying about._

She just conveniently omitted that her internship acceptance was deemed cancelled after missing half her classes for the spring term of her junior year – too busy nursing a hangover, and that she's bartending and DJ'ing in San Diego instead.

As to the reason she's lying to Alison, Em has a fair idea why - she just doesn't want to think about it.  _Maybe a drink or two would make me stop thinking about it,_ she figures.

* * *

" _Okay, Ms. Neuroscience, call me when you get home. Drive safe. Love you."_

" _Love you too."_ She replies and kisses Alison deeply to make up for the time they'd be apart. As soon as she closes the door, Emily's heart constricts, feeling overwhelmingly trapped in her own car. It grows exponentially as she leaves Rosewood, watching Alison from her side mirror, growing smaller and smaller.

* * *

Emily used to think getting the girl of her dreams would make her life perfect but those carefree days are gone, when Ali felt like the  _only_  missing piece. As of the moment, she's the  _one_ thing going right for her. And she's afraid to think what would happened if she loses another important person in her life  _again_.

* * *

Sunday Morning – Maroon 5

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do

Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you

Singing someday it'll bring me back to you

Find a way to bring myself back home to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I love neuropsychology in college. So that's me channeling myself to Emily. That's my current inclinations as to her future career (I hope it's not OOC). Anyway, she's still a mess and figuring herself out. So we'll see. I'm not giving up that modelling thing yet! But I want to be realistic and canon as possible.
> 
> Up Next: Lots of foreshadowing in this chapter and the last. You can guess what may happen next.
> 
> Congrats everyone who voted/tweeted for Emison in TCA! Here's to hoping we get an Emison/Sashay reward no matter what. And maybe a spin-off too?


	10. Worried Shoes - Emily's Floating Year 01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily does everything she can to keep afloat. Lies and odd jobs but is it buoying her up or weighing her down?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the later than usual update! So I waited for an inspiration then realized I should just write. Lol. Hope this one's okay.

**CHAPTER TEN**

**Worried Shoes**

**(Emily's Floating Year 1 - Part 01)**

* * *

**(One Month after Ali's Graduation)**

_Everything's tinged gray and hazy. The coarse azure walls. The solitary casement window at the far-left, showing the unkempt bushes outside. The dirty mahogany floor._

_She stands by the deep kitchen sink. Hands sudsy as she silently washes a couple of rock glasses. Perfect for the old-fashioned whiskey and coke. She starts to hum a bluesy beat, matching the dead of the night._

_One soapy glass down. She finally notices the turbid water, briefly wondering why the sink's clogged this time. Eyes fixed in a trance, when a pair of pale arms emerges from its depths. Bodiless they maybe, but the limbs slowly move with purpose, seeking something… someone._

_She makes a couple of steps back, mind blank, more than anything._

Then the thunder claps. Booming.

Emily wakes up to a Californian summer storm. She blindly reaches for her phone and squints to check the time - 4:51 AM. Almost 8 o'clock in Pennsylvania.

Her heart's starts thumping hard and loud, fear belatedly surfacing only when she recalls her vivid dream. She wanted… needed to calm her nerves. And so, she reflexively taps on her speed dial and within seconds, hears a pleasant,  _"Hi."_

" _Hey, I didn't wake you, did I?"_ Emily whispers while she stares at the ceiling.

" _No, of course not."_ Alison says assuredly, with a hint of a smile in her voice. They both know Alison's the  _true_  morning person between them. Emily only woke up early because she had to, which was every day when she was still in the swim team.

Emily chuckles shortly but it trails off, causing a lull in their conversation, where she's supposed to respond but comes up with nothing.

So Ali fills in, voicing her concern, _"It's still early for you though. Em, are you okay?"_

" _No. I mean yes, I'm okay. It's not that early for me, the head researcher let us off late. The storm just woke me up. Couldn't go back to sleep, so here I am."_ Emily babbles, keeping track of her lies – bartending disguised as night shifts at Salk.

" _Here, you are… calling your long-distance girlfriend just to hear her voice, right?"_ Ali jokes while Emily easily imagines her, left dimple showing more prominently as she pulls on her trademark smirk, possibly lounging on the couch or the kitchen counter, having breakfast.

" _Hmm… pretty much."_ Emily smiles mid-yawn, letting images of her girlfriend occupy her thoughts, and shoving her nightmare at the backburner of her mind.

Still unsatisfied with their current interaction, Emily then taps on her phone and soon catches the tail-end of her girlfriend's eye-roll, prompting her to grin apologetically for the unannounced FaceTime call.

She takes in Ali's soft features on screen. Sighing involuntarily, Emily feels the reinforcement of a decision she made several years ago that:  _this right here is her favorite Alison look,_  devoid of make-up, worry, and pretension; her heart-shaped face, warm smile and gentle eyes are accentuated by the early morning glow.

" _I'd say I missed your face but I could barely see you, Em."_ Alison teases interrupting Emily's quiet musing.

" _Oh, right, sorry."_ Emily mumbles, metaphorically kicking herself, as she switches on her desk lamp, and takes a few seconds to adjust to its harsh brightness.

But Ali is quick to note,  _"You look tired, baby. Get some more sleep. We can talk later. Lunch date, your time?"_

" _No-no. I can't sleep really. My sleep cycle's messed up."_ Emily grouches and shakes her head furiously, not wanting to be alone with just her dark thoughts to keep her company.

" _Maybe you should ask for another shift, Em. Just say you're going back to school in a few weeks and need to get back your sleep sched for coaching?"_ Alison offers, thinking that this demanding internship's taking a toll on her mermaid.

As driven as Emily is, and as much as Alison admires her for it, she knows Emily's body can only take so much. Emily's ulcer several years back, as confided by Pam in one of their weekly dates, is just one of the worrisome indications. She doesn't want a repeat now, especially with Emily miles away.

" _Ali, it's just another three weeks. This looks better in my résumé than an assistant coach position in Pepperdine."_  Emily scoffs, unable to keep off the edge in her voice when she's rattling off lies upon lies, all of which hurt her too.

" _Wait, three weeks?"_ Alison asks, hoping she had misheard it.

 _Shit,_ Emily then thinks and nods apologetically.

" _I know I promised to be there in two weeks. But Dr. Dargusch wanted us to be here for the release of the journal. They need us to draft summaries for publication."_ She speaks in earnest, having rehearsed this excuse since last month, right after leaving Rosewood. In spite of her promise to Alison, she knew she cannot afford a two-week break from work.

" _Em, we'll only see each other for a week. Then, you're going back to school."_ The disappointment in Alison's tone evident as she implores with her eyes, begging Emily to come home soon.

" _I'm really sorry, Ali."_

" _I know. Me too."_

Seeing Ali's sad smile, Emily nods guiltily then feigns to check something on her bedside.

" _It's almost 5. I think I should get back to sleep. Thanks for keeping me company."_

Ali nods, kisses her fingertips and presses them on Emily's face on screen before she bids, " _Anytime. Sweet dreams, Em."_

* * *

**(Several Hours After)**

" _Eyes this way."_ Click _._

" _Tilt your head to the side. Hold."_ Click _._

" _Turnaround."_ Click _._

Modelling. The profession that requires you to think but look as if you're not doing it. _Go figure,_ Emily snorts to herself.

For every turn and every instruction, she silently recalls her best angles and best expressions, discovered during her long-hours of practice in front of a full-length mirror, and then reproduces them for a professional photographer.

It is  **not**  just a matter of looking good though. Sometimes, emotions must be conveyed, a tableau acting of sorts. Em's personality growth over the past decade, however, only switched from shy awkwardness to don't-mess-with-me bravado. Neither looks good nor is needed on print. So she channels her best friends.

 _Effortless superiority._ Alison.

 _Wide-eyed innocence._  Aria.

 _Playful pep._ Hanna.

 _Fierce nonchalance._ Spencer.

 _Elegant grace._ Hers surprisingly, _thanks to years of dancing._

 _And then the oozing sex appeal._  All hers too. Her one-year stint jumping beds every few nights (no, she is still not calling herself a player) helped boost her confidence in that department.

Modelling's not rocket science, or neuroscience for that matter but it's, sure as hell, precise. Something she never thought of as a teen, making grand entrances in prom nights and homecomings or walking in DiLaurentis' fundraising runways and charity events, just winging it.

The work-product's pretty great too. Seeing herself on glossy posters makes her feel that she is this confident unblemished success. No, Emily's awareness of her good looks doesn't get into her head. She's still painfully conscious of her mistakes. But sometimes this (pretending thing) feels nice.

More importantly, the pay  _can be_  impressive. In fact, one booking for a swimsuit line was enough to pay almost all of her monthly rent.

But not all go-sees are successful. The bookings, she learnt, are far between each other. She was just lucky to get two in a space of three months, lucky enough to have an instant modelling portfolio, care of her shared IG account with Hanna, and fashion designer connections, care of the same friend.

 _And there's the ugly side._  Cutthroat competition. Manhandling by photographers and clients. Backhanded compliments and unforgiving "constructive" criticisms. Hours of waiting and so on. If it weren't for the potentially handsome pay, this is so not worth it.

" _Change outfit."_ The photographer orders, one finger pointed to her before he shouts,  _"Next!"_

She rolls her eyes at the typical rudeness but compliantly heads to the cramped dressing room. She scans the room and soon finds a spot to slump on – the arm of an already occupied recliner, strategically positioning herself close to a vanity mirror and seat, for retouching later.

But for now, there's plenty of time to get ready so she grabs her phone and checks her notifications. Feeling something tapping her shoulder, Emily turns around only to see a pale severed arm… a mannequin's arm.

" _D! What the fuck?!"_ Emily screams at the giggling dark-skinned model standing behind her.

" _Oh god, that was easy! You're easy, Em. I can't believe you'd fell for that."_ Diana or "D," as she is fondly called, shakes her head and reattaches the arm back to the mannequin while Emily frowns in annoyance.

" _Come on, it's not that bad."_ D says and pats Em's head gently, an affectionate (irritating) gesture Emily rarely gets from her friends. As it is, Diana stands taller by at least four inches, much to Emily's misfortune.

" _Yeah, well, I had a grotesque dream about bodiless arms last night!"_

" _Ugh. Creepy. What were those hands doing? Hugging you?"_

" _Now, who's the creep?"_

" _Whatever, I just want to know. Maybe it's your soulmate or something."_

" _Ali's arms aren't that long. Anyway, it wasn't hugging me. It was coming out of the kitchen sink."_

" _Ugh. Creepier. But soulmate, huh? I didn't know you were dating. So Ali's short for what? Alejandro? Muhammad Ali?"_

" _It's new. Well, new again. It's really complicated but um… Ali's short for Alison. I'm gay."_ Emily mumbles the last part, not sure how her new friend would react or how anyone else in that dressing room would.

" _I bet she's hot."_ D replies, with no trace of surprise at all. Emily looks around and receives a single curious glance but overall no one gives a damn about her outing or re-outing. It's California, of course.

So Emily nods and swipes her phone to show off her girl, a half-body shot of Ali in a black tank top previously owned by her, all smiles and sunshine, taken the morning after they got together.

D gives an approving hum, and chuckles at the sight of Emily's flushed face before she scrutinizes the photo.  _"Yeah, she doesn't look like she has long arms. I mean, not longer than yours; I'm guessing that is your standard of long at least. Anyway, so what do you think it means?"_

" _Hmm? Like shrinking my dream? Or prophesizing it"_ Emily asks in confusion.

 _"Shrinking? Psychoanalyzing? Whatever you want, Em, could be fun. Who knows, those pale arms meant you just need a hug,"_ D shrugs for emphasis.

" _Diana Williams, you're next!"_  One of the agents calls out.

D exhales exaggeratedly, tosses the phone back to Em, and grins,  _"alright! See you, creeper."_

Chuckling, Emily waves her off and rests back on the couch arm. Now with her interest peaked, she goes to her browser and types.

Hand grabbing…

 _"Well, here goes nothing,"_ she mumbles to herself and she presses search.

> **A hand grabbing at you** , or coming at you with ill intent, could represent a feeling or  _fear of persecution, hostility, aggression, criticism, or being taken advantage_ of by another person or by people in general

Emily bites her lip at the search result and checks on another one.

> **Kitchen sink.** Exploring fulfillment and how holding onto feelings affects your sense of happiness and fulfillment in the present.  _Turbid water_  in a sink symbolizes painful feelings that need to be released.

* * *

_Fear of criticism. Holding onto painful feelings._ Em chews on her inner cheek and curses Diana for urging her to search these things. She just can't deal with this. Not now. Not until she gets back on track.

Ever since finally getting together with Alison and coming back to San Diego, she already formulated a plan. It's simple. Earn and save money to get back to school, then admit to her mom and Ali that she dropped out before.  _Fess up when you're already fixing your mess, not when you still are_.

Like all simple plans, however, the execution part proves difficult.

She bartends at night, teaches swimming lessons at the local community center every afternoon, attends go-sees, every now and then, in hopes of landing a booking. (Alison's right; she's spreading herself thin, what with these odd jobs and lying to her loved ones).

Despite working herself to the ground, she barely meets half of her ideal monthly savings. She supposes she'd save more if she lessens her nightcaps, but she really couldn't sleep without it. And cutting off her weekly parties would too, if it weren't for the fact that it helps take the edge off everything. She gets free drinks often, anyway.

Then, there's one last meal ticket she's considering. Maybe in half a year, if everything else fails, she'd do it.

Emily closes her eyes, and massages her temples, willing the thoughts of her stupid decisions away. When she opens it, she notices another girl is already seated in front of the vanity mirror she was eyeing. All she did was blink, and her fucking spot's gone.

* * *

**(Almost Two Weeks After)**

" _It's the ass-crack of dawn, Alison. This better be important!"_ Hanna grumbles as she sits up on her hotel bed and checks the time. 4:58 am, Central European Time.

Her first Paris Fashion Week just finished yesterday so she is just eager to sleep off the entire day, reserving her energy for partying and meeting cute French guys at night. But of course, Ali had to ruin it for her. She groans loudly and pushes the phone closer to her ear, barely catching what Ali just said.

" _Sorry, Han. I'm at the address you gave. I just want to check if I got it right."_ Ali mumbles regretfully, looking around the old apartment building her girlfriend supposedly lives in for her summer internship in San Diego.

" _Yeah. I've sent two packages there. She got it on designated time too so I'm sure that's where she is staying. Why? What's up?"_

" _Nothing. It's…"_ Alison hums as she heaves her luggage at the wooden rickety stairs, trying to find a politically correct term for decrepit.

 _"…in a bad condition,_ " She adds lamely and soon finds apartment 308, still holding Hanna on the line.

Rolling her eyes at her best friend, Hanna remarks in a light scolding tone,  _"Ali, she's still in college. Honestly, I'd be more shocked if Em lives in a nice neighborhood in Cali. Now, can I go back to sleep?"_

" _Right. Of course. Han, can you stay for a couple of minutes? I just want to have someone with me until I see Em."_ She pleads, and giggles at the whining  _"Fine"_ from Hanna. She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, confident that Emily's awake this early.

It's a Sunday, and as far as Ali can remember, Emily still keeps her early Sunday morning runs, probably already finished by now. She knocks a little louder and calls out her girlfriend but still doesn't get a response.

" _Why don't you call Emily? If she's not there, just ask her to pick you up in the closest coffee shop? Okay, Ali? Then I'll call you back in five minutes. If you don't answer. I'll ask Spence to send the cops."_ Hanna suggests kindly, helping Alison calm down as she observes the hallway, still knocking on the door.

" _Okay. Thanks, Han."_

Alison knows she's being silly about this considering it's already 7 am in San Diego and the apartment next door just opened, revealing a young boy playing with a soccer ball and followed by his mom speaking in thick German.

There's no reason for her to be scared except that Ali can't place this funny feeling that she's not supposed to find Emily in an old poorly maintained (if at all) apartment building. For sure, Pam Fields would have a heart attack if she finds out where her daughter is staying.

The door swings open the exact moment she hangs up, revealing her girlfriend in nothing but a long shirt, and sporting barely opened raccoon eyes.

One glance was all it took for Ali to quickly guess that it came from smudged dark make-up last night. Possibly partying, but it's no big deal to her. She smiles excitedly at her girlfriend and would have found a disoriented Emily adorable if it weren't for her scrunched-up face, head-cradled as if she was in pain.

" _Hey, babe, are you okay?"_ Alison asks worriedly and smirks as the girl's eyes widen in shock.

 _Fuck._ Emily grimaces, her hangover coming in full force as she sees her girlfriend from Pennsylvania.

" _What are you doing here?!"_ Emily cringes at her own panicked tone, and squeezes her eyes shut, memories of last night and every night before that, flashing in her mind.

" _Wait! Stay right here."_ She warns Ali and abruptly closes her apartment door shut, leaving her girlfriend outside.

" _Em? What the hell?! Emily!"_ Alison calls out and repeatedly raps the door while Emily bustles around her place collecting liquor bottles and stashing everything in the kitchen sink. She dreads surprise visits from anyone, but she supposes she should have foreseen this, what with Alison's seeming acceptance of her prolonged internship.

" _I swear to God, Emily. If you're keeping a girl there, I'd… What?! Hanna, sorry, yes, it's her apartment. You're right. Although I'm starting to think it's not hers alone."_ Alison rants to Hanna on the phone, in an intentionally loud and pissed tone to their best friend's surprise.

But before Hanna can ask her to explain, she hears another voice on the line,  _"Hey, Han. Sorry, it's just a misunderstanding. Check on you later, okay? Bye."_

Hanna looks at her phone dubiously as Emily hangs up on her, wondering if this is just trippy dream.  _Fucking Emily and her girl troubles,_ she thinks but grins as she shoots them an identical text.

 **H:**  You know what bitchy Alison needs, Em! Hint: it ends with an ex. Welcome, Ali! :)

Alison scoffs at the message then roams around, checking the bathroom, closet and under the bed to Emily's amusement.

" _There's a loose floorboard under the coffee table. You can check for my lover there."_ Emily teases and heads to the kitchen sink to wash her face, subtly making sure that the cabinet is close.

" _This is not funny, Emily! Why did you close the door on my face?!"_ Alison sasses, crossing her arms as she stands in front of her girlfriend.

" _Sheesh, Ali, I just needed to make my place presentable for your highness."_ Emily quips, her lips curling into a smirk, as she finally takes in Ali's outfit, a beige silk-satin twill dress. Very sensible East Coast style of her girlfriend,  _she thinks._ But more importantly, it hugs her curves just right.

So Emily not so subtly checks her out but instantly grimaces at her covert eye movements. Hangover's can be such a dick sometimes, limiting her facial expressions to squints and knits.

Judging from Alison's narrowed eyes though, she will not be let off the hook anytime soon. And so Emily schools her features into an embarrassed guilt, lips tucked as she looks on the floor, waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off.

Secretly, she prays that Ali will be too distracted with this baseless cheating accusation to pick up on her living arrangement or worse her, current lifestyle

To her surprise, however, her girlfriend instead asks,  _"Do you have any advil, Em?"_

Without waiting for a response, Ali walks a few steps towards the mini fridge, freezing Emily on the spot as she recalls if there is any incriminating item inside.

Lucky for her, there is no beer can or harder liquor inside, just eggs, celery, cheese and a few bottles of water, and Gatorade. Ali grabs a water bottle and raises her eyebrow, noticing her immobilized girlfriend.

_"Em, the advil?"_

" _Right, um, bathroom medicine cabinet."_ Emily snaps out of her stupor, gets the medicine herself and hands it over to her girlfriend.

_"You okay, Ali? I'm really sorry for what I did. I didn't want you think that I'm huge slob, I was just busy the past week and… huh?"_

Emily stops in confusion as Alison passes her two capsules and the water bottle.

_"Drink up. I'd suggest you just sleep your hangover off but I want to catch up with you sometime within the day. Any chance you have saltines?"_

Wondering how she got this lucky, Emily smiles gratefully at her girlfriend and dutifully pops up the painkillers,  _"I'm okay, babe. No stomachache."_

" _Still, we don't know if you can keep regular food down. I'll just pick up some later. I think I saw a store nearby"_ Alison speaks softly now, her anger gone as she pulls Emily back to her bed.

They get settled in synch with Ali sitting up and leaning against the wall, and Emily resting her head on Ali's lap, one hand atop her knee.

" _Sleep some more. We'll catch up later."_ Alison whispers and smiles softly as Emily leans up for a kiss, mumbling sorry for her morning breath before she moves back to her original position.

Humming softly to herself, Ali watches her mermaid fall back to sleep. She's still a little miffed at Emily's stunt but thinks that she couldn't… shouldn't be mad over something so small. After all, they can't afford petty fights when they only have a so little time together.

Now, mindlessly playing with Em's long messy black hair, Ali scans the practically Spartan-bare apartment, and wonders what it looked like before Emily shut the door on her face.

It can't be that bad she's sure as Emily's childhood and dorm rooms were usually well-kept, save for the days her mermaid was too sick to stand. Military kids can never be slobs or so she has been told.

So what exactly was Emily hiding? It's gnawing Alison that she can't put a pin on it. At least not yet.

* * *

**(Two Days Later)**

" _Ali, are you done? You need to double-lock the door after I leave."_ Emily shouts from outside the shower and hurriedly stashes her actual work clothes in her hobo bag. Right now, she's wearing a black V-neck jump suit for her supposed internship in a reputable research institution. All of which shall be replaced with a comfy tee and short denim shorts for her work, and a leather jacket for the commute later.

* * *

The past days have been good to them - mostly holed up in Em's apartment to catch up on everything save for a couple of outings for Ali's sake.

On Sunday, after Emily slept the day away with Ali doting on her, they ate a beach side restaurant. And right after, they strolled the shorelines, holding hands and snuggling in public, an unconscious fulfillment of their high school selves' simple dreams.

Then, on Monday, Ali joined Emily to the community pool. Sitting on the benches, Ali held a pocketbook as she discreetly watched Emily do two of her favorite things: swimming, and helping (adorable little) people, loving how carefree her mermaid looked.

On the same Monday, Emily, on the other hand, made up a story about calling in sick for her internship so that she can hang-out with Alison more. Truth is, she was just fortunate enough that Mondays are dark days for the club she works at.

Lying daily is so much harder with an audience, especially if it's the person who knew her deepest secret before everyone (including herself) did. Emily just hopes she doesn't let anything slip.

* * *

Sighing, Emily double checks the contents of her bag then paces outside the bathroom, her nerves affrayed and getting the best of her. But she stops once she sees Ali walking out, in nothing,  _nothing_  except for the towel, she is currently using to wring water from her tresses.

" _Alison…"_ Emily whines, groans and squeezes her eyes shut, eliciting a melodious laugh from the teasing girl.

" _Emily! You're my girlfriend. You're allowed to look."_ She chides and shakes her head.

_"I know but I don't want to just look. As you pointed, I'm. Your. Girlfriend. But I have to go."_

" _Well, you're no fun."_ Shaking her head, Ali hangs the towel then grabs and slips in one of Em's long shirt. She giggles at her mermaid's deepening petulant pout and closes the distance between them to kiss her softly,  _"you can look now."_

" _Better?"_ Ali smirks as Emily scoffs and pouts again.  _Of course, it's not better. But God, she loves this infuriatingly beautiful person._

" _I'll get you back later, Alison."_ Emily threatens, or promises then kisses her girlfriend firmly until her Apple watch chimes.  _Time's up. Got to go._  Emily groans and sighs her goodbye.

* * *

**(The Next Day – Early Morning)**

Ali sips her black coffee as a Tudors rerun plays on Em's flat screen. She's already wired up from her discovery, add the caffeine and she's practically shaking from anxiety. She just prays that this is all a misunderstanding.

Then, Emily's rhythmical knocks, consisting of two and three swift beats, break her reverie. She unlocks the door at once.

" _Ali, I'm… oh good, you're up."_ Emily bites back her hiccup as she notices Alison studying her.

" _Hey, what's up?"_ Emily asks, curious as she takes off her heels and is about to start peeling off her jumpsuit when Alison speaks up.

" _I folded your laundry and was about to place them in the cabinet when I saw this…"_ Alison holds up a few folded papers, which Emily instantly recognizes.  _Her last meal ticket._

" _This isn't what it looks like, right, Em?"_ Ali presses still in her worried tone as Emily stands there, unable to explain.

" _I… um… nothing's final yet."_

" _This is filled up and signed. You're at least half-sure about this. What's going on?"_

* * *

Worried Shoes – Karen O

("Where the Wild Things Are" OST)

My worried shoes, my worried shoes,

Oo-o-o-oo o-oo-ooo, my worried shoes,

I made a mistake that I never forgot,

Tied knots in the laces of my worried shoes,

Every step that I take is another mistake,

I march further and further away in my worried shoes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dream. So how about that creepy dream, huh? Weirded out? Like it? What do you think? Lol. That did happen to me just a few days ago. Exactly the way I dream it, except for that bluesy song I added for literary flair.
> 
> Modelling. I finally came through with my modelling plans. Yey!
> 
> Yes, I know, for some, it's hard to imagine Emily Fields aspiring to be a model but I think she wouldn't mind, when the circumstances warrant. Remember that beauty pageant thing in Season 5?! She rocked it.
> 
> Oh and I'm so not going to romanticize that job. I want you to see it in Emily's eyes, all glitz and glamor with an ugly backside.
> 
> Anyone thinks this modelling thing can work in the long-run? For now, it seems kind of a fun new thing to read in a fic, yeah?
> 
> Emily's Depression. Am I drawing it out? Possibly. But this kind of things happens though. In fact, writing Emily is a therapy of sorts to me because, as you may have guessed, I can draw out how she feels from experience. No, I don't drink my problems away, just that I know how she feels.
> 
> Fair warning: Unfortunately, you may be subjected to this for a few more chapters.
> 
> Cliff-hang. Any guesses on what Emily signed? I honestly wanted to clue you in already but I thought I should end this here. It's not what you think it is, believe me. But it's something that would definitely worry Alison.
> 
> Up Next. Revelations. Finally. Rollins might show up real soon but again, it would be different from the show, you'll see. Oh, I want the other Liars to appear more, especially Aria, just to make Aria more concerned with her friends' lives. Hmm, got ideas?
> 
> Also, I have this senior year angsty one-shot that connects with this fic so I might post that first. We'll see.
> 
> On Pet Names. I feel like it's more an Emily thing because she lives in California? But Alison does it too. What do you think?
> 
> Promotion: I have a fluffy drabble, you can check it out to stave off this angst.
> 
> Oh and Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Anything? Talk to me! Lol.


	11. J'Attendrai - Summer Before College

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first, I edited the past chapters as I wanted to share it to a non-PLL fan friend. No crucial changes but I like to think it's more readable and vivid. You can reread it at your pleasure.
> 
> Yes, I left with a cliffhanger for last chapter! But I think a flashback to good ole' senior angst (right before the time jump) will help: (1) clarify how Emily and Ali mended their friendship after the Charles' Revelation in 6x10, and (2) enlighten us with the characters' motives for their next actions once Emily's secret is revealed.
> 
> This prefaces their closeness in Chapter 4: La Vie En Rose – College Freshman Year.
> 
> Song Choice: As you can guess by the French song, this is an Alison-centric chapter. I always think of Alison as a classic beauty inside and outside. So you bet I'm going to choose a classic song for her.
> 
> Note: Sorry, I mixed up the book and TV versions of Alison. I thought the TV version is also good in Field Hockey. Oops!

 

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

**J'attendrai**

**(Summer Before College)**

 

_Les fleurs palissent, le feu s'éteint,_

The flowers grow, the fire goes out,

_l'ombre se glisse dans le jardin_

The shadow creeps in the garden.

_L'horloge tisse des sons très las_

The clock tiredly weaves its sounds.

 

_Je crois entendre ton pas_

I think I hear your steps

_Le vent m'apporte des bruits lointains_

The wind brings me distant sounds

_Guettant ma porte j'écoute en vain_

Watching my door, I listen in vain.

_Hélas, plus rien, plus rien ne vient_

Alas, nothing, nothing comes

* * *

**(Alison's POV)**

_Bubbles._ Globules of one matter in another, usually air in liquid.

_Ugh. So clinical. Scratch that. Let's try again._

When I say bubbles, do you imagine circular hollow things with rainbow-colored films, usually bobbing or floating in air or water? Some little piece of unexplained magic, you want to hold but also fear that it would vanish in an instant, in any second without notice?

Have you seen children play with bubbles? I'm sure you have. But have you catalogued their behaviors as they play along. No? I guess not. Let me tell you something. There are usually three kinds of children that play bubbles. The pitchers, the catchers and the watchers.

Let's go with the most common - the enthusiastic pitchers. They gleefully swipe every bubble in sight, swatting their hands with reckless abandon as if they can't get enough. Every little piece of magic.  _All for themselves._

Then, there are the careful catchers. They keep still or  _move about so slowly, trying to catch one,_   _just one,_  praying that they won't "scare" the magic away, or else it would burst… along with their tears.

Lastly, we have the rare type – the serene watchers. They don't chase, they don't reach, they stay where they are and marvel over the floating little things. I didn't know why some children did these.  _Did they not want the magic for themselves?_

I said _, "I didn't."_  Because I realized, sometimes it's better to just let these bubbles do their thing, and lift our spirits up with their fascinating presence. The less you disturb them, the longer they stay. The farther you keep distance, the less threatened they'd be.

I now know because experience taught me so. Sometimes, the people you love are a lot like these magical bubbles. You have to know what role to play at what moment (else they'd be gone forever).

Ugh.  _Mushy squash_. But it's true _… loving her taught me so._

* * *

**(Labor Day Weekend)**

Consumed by her thoughts, Alison barely hears the honking outside as she draws bubbles on the sidelines of her journal, now serving as finishing touches to her latest entry. Soon, however, rumbling sounds and growling voices join the cacophony of car honks and buzzing chatter, effectively disrupting Ali's relatively peaceful morning. There's only one person that can be the source of that racket:  _Hanna and her unhealthy preference to grunge rock._ Sighing fondly, Ali locks her journal and makes her way to her front yard to go see her best friends. As agreed upon in their last sleepover, the girls all stop by her place to touch base before they go separate ways to different parts of the country - a form of bookending before they turn over new leaves of their respective lives - whereas Ali continues to unfurl the scroll of her Rosewood chapter.  _A choice and a non-choice on her part._

She takes a deep breath and dons a little smile for her friends.

* * *

**(A While after Saying Goodbye)**

After their bittersweet goodbye, Alison waves, parting with a gentle reminder " _Drive safe, guys."_ as she watches her best friends reverse-drive away from her.  _Like her own magical bubbles floating away from her one-by-one._ Shaking off those self-pitying notions, she then walks around the house and returns to the backyard, where her journal lies in the lone cedar garden bench.

She really should stop still thinking like that. For, if the past days ( _nay,_  years) were any indication, she knows, deep down, that they will always be intricately interwoven in each other's lives.  _Inseparable bones, blood, and flesh._ Or in the words of her fifteen-year old self,  _"(they'll be) friends forever."_ A fearless forecast tried, tested and found true in the face of countless lies, secrets, crimes, betrayals and faceless evils, evils she either inspired (like Mona, and Shana) or was associated with (like her sister). Last week's easy camaraderie is one of the many proofs that everything may change around them but nothing will, among themselves.

* * *

**(One Week before Labor Day Weekend)**

" _OH COME ON, ALI! SPENCER'S RIGHT THERE! HELP HER!"_ Hanna bellows from the the top bleachers, standing with her hands cup around her mouth to shout stream of praise and invective for all of Rosewood to her. An admirable friendship trait if only she got her details straight.

" _Hanna, she can't!"_ Aria hisses, pulling an incensed Hanna to sit back down and stop her from humiliating herself further.

" _Why?! They're freaking teammates?!"_

Emily rolls her eyes and grabs Hanna's hand as she explains, " _No third-party rule Han. Only two opposing players can tackle the ball at a time. So it's Spencer against that sophomore. Ali can't interfere."_ Despite talking to Hanna though, Emily's eyes remained glued to her best friends on the field, mildly worried that Ali (and Spencer) might get hit by ball or worse, a hockey stick.

" _Huh? Never heard that rule. Is it new?"_

" _No. Just watch, Han."_ Emily dismisses, wiggling on her seat now as Ali shifts at the back of the sophomore. Then, with a quick nod, Spencer dribbles the ball to her far right, directly under her opponent, and straight to Alison's waiting stick, making the small crowd go wild.

" _Holy Chipped Chopped Ham! A trick shot pass from Hastings to DiLaurentis. Smooth! Haven't seen a Field Hockey tag team like this before. DiLaurentis is now in the D. Can she flick it in? Goal! Score for the old ladies! Ouch, Mr. Hackett! Fine! Point for the Incoming Seniors and Graduates. Sheesh…"_ The commentator exclaims and gets back to giving a play-by-play of the furious rally Spencer and Alison's team is holding. And in the end, it is Spencer's accurate penalty shot that lead to their victory.

Vice Principal Tamborelli walks to the center and announces jovially, " _A pretty good exit for Rosewood High's Field Hockey Team batch 2012! A round of applause, everyone please."_ He is one of the first who started clapping and soon, the rest of the spectators, mostly parents and friends of the players, join in, cheering loudly for the graduates.

 _"WAY TO GO, BITCHES!"_  And then there's Hanna's no-filter cheering. Hearing Hanna's embarrassing holler, Spencer and Alison share bemused grins as they give the rest of their teammates congratulatory hugs and handshakes before their best friends could reach them. Emily is the first to get to them, thanks to her long legs and mission to ignore Hanna's playful diatribe. Unfortunately for her, Hanna's really close on her heels, still breathing down her neck.

" _Why didn't you join Field Hockey, Em? You know every rule!"_

" _It's a land and team sports, Han. You know what Emily's strengths are."_ Spencer joins in, jokingly rubbing in the fact that their supposedly jock-friend's not really that versatile, knowing Emily will not really be fazed by it.

" _And she probably learnt the rule-book from Paige. Right, Em?"_ Aria offers, nudging a now disconcerted Emily, who's wondering why she's on the hot seat all of a sudden but she really couldn't careless unless Alison did. Speaking of Alison, her back's already turned to Emily, busily wiping off the dirt from her hockey stick. Honestly, any mention of Emily's ex sours Alison's mood in a snap but she doesn't want to ruin her friends' light ribbing so she seethes quietly away from them, subtly scoffing at Aria's joke,  _Puh-lease… Pigskin broke every rule in that book._

" _Not really. I was watching matches since you guys joined. We all did. I just picked up stuff unlike some people."_ Emily mutters, side-eyeing her friends before she goes back to looking at Ali, frowning as she notices the other girl's tensed shoulders. Emily thus walks towards her wanting to make sure the other girl's okay but Hanna's next comment makes her groan internally.

" _Well, whatever. It's too late for you to join, anyway. And that cheering's exhausting. McBrainy and McBlondie here should treat us."_

Stopping midway to Alison, Emily faces Hanna to point out –

" _You're also McBlondie, Hanna."_ But Spencer beats her to the punch, defending an unusually quiet Alison. Well, it's not really strange nowadays. Ever since the girls were rescued from the Dollhouse, and Ali was released from prison, Spencer has noticed that their former ringleader has been keeping a low profile. A natural progression considering everything that has happened to them. But sometimes, Spencer misses the old Ali with her sarcastic dark humor and fierce competitiveness that used to drive her on the edge. Judging from their exhibition game this afternoon, she's sure her best friend's old traits are still there, just bidding time to come out and play. Pun intended.

" _It's fine, Spence. I can pay."_ Ali shrugs and smiles kindly at Hanna, " _Pizza or Chinese. We can pick it up and drive to my place or Spencer's if that's okay?"_

Hefting her duffel bag in one arm, she then nods at the chorus of " _pizza"_ and the solitary  _"vegan"_  from Aria.  _"Looks like we have a winner. Don't worry, Ar. We'll get something for you."_

" _Let's go to Spencer's. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking?"_ Hanna grins mischievously now scanning her friends' reactions: a mixture of confusion, amusement  _and_  saltiness, the last reaction mostly coming from Emily.

" _No. B2, enlighten us, O Great One"_ Spencer looks skeptically with a half-smile as she fixes her own bag.

" _Hold on, why am I B2? You're B2."_

" _Excuse you, I'll never be second!"_

" _Hmm… hard to argue with that, Han."_ Emily joins in, seizing the chance to rile up their nuisance best friend to Aria's growing distress,  _"guys, focus!"_

" _Emily! You can't gang up on me! You're supposed to be on my team!"_

" _What? I'm just stating facts."_

" _Thank you, young padawan."_ Spencer grins back at a full-on smiling Emily, making Hanna glare heatedly at the two.

" _Ar, Em's putting a wedge to Team Sparia. You_ _ **have to**_ _side with me."_

" _Wait, what? Don't drag me into this."_ Aria hisses and rubs her temples, eyes squinting from a looming headache thanks to yet another squabble between those two.

" _Guys, please…"_ She begs as a last ditch effort but stops as she hears someone chortling and looks around to see,  _"Ali?"_

Ali just shakes her head, unable to stop the laughter escaping from her lips and a few seconds after, they all share giggles and light-hearted smiles, finally catching up to the absurdity of their argument.

" _I think I know what you're thinking, Han. Sleepover?"_ Ali asks, after they all calmed down, and loops her arm around Hanna.

" _That's right, B2!"_ Hanna quips and side-glances Spencer. With her nose-scrunched up in mock snobbery, she adds matter-of-factly,  _"sorry, Spence. You really can't be B1 either. You're more Rat-in-a-Hat."_

Ali just roll her eyes good-naturedly at being B2 to Hanna's B1 and just drags the other girl to the parking lot before their competitive friend can retaliate.  _I'm so going to miss them,_ Ali thinks.

* * *

" _What took you so long?"_ Alison probes as Aria, Hanna and Emily step in the Hastings' Manor, having carpooled to and from the school's open field and then to Spencer's place. Their sleepover food staples are all spread out in the den, except for the pizza boxes to be delivered later for ravaging. And after that draining match, Ali's sure she can wipe out a box on her own (never mind her long standing agreement to split one with an equally diet-conscious Hanna).

" _It's not that long, Alison. Besides, we had to score some drinks on the way."_ Hanna grouches, nodding at Emily's way, who awkwardly smiles back at Ali and takes the bottles of vodka and rum out of the paper bag.

" _Jeez, Han. Are you planning to drink your weight tonight?"_ Ali teases, quickly avoiding Emily's puppy-dog eyes.

" _Maybe? It won't be much, seeing as I likely weigh less than you now."_ Hanna smirks back playfully but the slight dig is not lost to their friends.

" _Hanna!"_ Emily reproaches first.  _Always first when it comes to Alison,_ Hanna knows that for a fact. But she also knows that Ali will not take any heat from that comment.

" _Hmm… Which means I can totally out-drink you, Marin."_ Ali now volley backs, arms crossed in her challenging stance, earning a subtle approving nod and a smug grin from Hanna. Of course, Ali would find a way to be on top. She's Freaking Alison DiLaurentis,  _Hanna reasons._

" _Bring it, b-"_

" _I'm going to chuck these out of the window if you don't stop this!"_

" _Relax, Em. We're just playing. Now, give me that."_ Hanna tuts in exasperation, grabs the bottles and beckons a spectating Aria to head upstairs with her, leaving their two best friends in the lounge room.

Once they're alone, Emily mumbles,  _"sorry about Hanna,"_  as she remains standing near the doorway. She furtively glances back at Alison, while the other girl openly studies her.

Meanwhile, Ali _, for the life of her_ , cannot figure out why Emily is being skittish. All throughout summer (after finally finding out who A is), Alison keeps finding ways to ingratiate herself to her best friends.

* * *

Her attempts to be close again has never been an in-your-face nauseating type. Her best friends know that she will never be glaringly obvious with her affections but Spencer, Hanna and Aria certainly notice and do appreciate her efforts.

With Spencer's efficient instruction, she spend mornings poring over textbooks to squeeze two-years-worth of high school credits into one, browsing college options for the next year and occasionally debating over the truth behind the first moon landing  _("Ali, the American flag was moving, there's no wind in the moon"),_ or the absolutism of Machiavelli's principle  _("What does the 'end' refer to, anyway? Greater good? Preservation of morality? Everything's relative, Spence.")._ She knows Spencer always craves for a "sharpener" friend, one to debate with and hard  _but satisfying_  to beat, and luckily, she always fit that pair of shoes, with the added bonus of being a graceful loser or winner these days.

Her afternoons, on the other hand, are sometimes filled with shopping, celebrity gossips and fashion critiques courtesy of Hanna.

And of course, the most laid-back movie nights consisting of black and white classics, and round-the-clock book discussions with Aria, although a part of her wishes she didn't have a past with Ezra, that way she and Aria can speak more freely about their relationships.

All throughout summer, Alison has rediscovered ways to ingratiate herself to her best friends, _except Emily._

 _For when it comes to_ _ **her**_ _,_ everything's a little trickier. Sure, she used to talk to Emily about anything and everything under the sun.  _And maybe that's the problem,_  they don't have any safe common ground because  _there is always an undercurrent of something else._

 _Something_  they both dabbled with like a forbidden fruit they shared in secret behind closed doors and spoke of in hushed whispers or coded words.  _Something_ that make somersaults in Ali's stomach every damn time Emily looks at her like she's naked figuratively and maybe literally too.  _Something_  consummated and spoilt at the same time because there was no trust to build upon.  _Something, perhaps called love but Ali refuses to call as such,_ not for fear of society's condemnation but mostly because of Emily's very reasonable rejection. At this point, she's willing to trade that uncertain  _something_  for the guaranteed loyalty and support ( _her mermaid)_  Emily's friendship brings.

* * *

Ali shakes her head and shrugs,  _"It's okay, Em. I prefer this Hanna over the meek one we used to know. I like that she doesn't take crap from anyone now. Besides, Han may lack tact but she's never mean."_

" _But I don't want anyone disrespecting you."_

" _Relax, Killer. I can hold my own."_ Ali teases, easily using her old nickname for Emily like reflex. And like reflex, the familiar nickname lights up Emily face, immediately yielding a giddy smile for Alison to behold. Just then, the microwave pings.

" _Alright then, you go upstairs. I'll just get the popcorn. Oh and make sure I get a movie vote, Em, please?"_

" _Okay, but how sure are you I won't use your vote for my personal choice?"_

" _I know you."_ Ali smiles and waves her best friend off so she can get to the kitchen to get the last of their snacks ready. _Maybe everything's not lost between them._

* * *

" _So what are we watching?"_ Ali passes two popcorn bowls, and hides a frown as she notices Spencer and Aria snuggled on one couch and Hanna and Emily, on the other, leaving her to sit on the mattress, covered by throw pillows.

" _Anna Karenina."_ Aria answers as she receives her and Spencer's popcorn bowl with a grateful smile.

" _Hmm… nice. Whose votes?"_

" _Yours, Spencer's and Aria's."_ Hanna grumbles, playing a tug-of-bowl with her fellow popcorn-loving best friend,  _"I and popcorn monster over here voted Bling Ring."_

" _The one with Emma Watson?"_ Ali asks curiously.

" _Yep."_

" _Okay, I get you voting for Bling Ring. But, Em, why?"_

" _She has the hots for Hermffm…mmm"_ Hanna garbles as Emily stuffs her face.

" _Eat your popcorn, Hanna!"_

Hearing Spencer and Aria giggle at their bickering friends, Alison feels forced to let out a titter of her own but secretly she sends thanks to her lucky stars that they didn't end up watching  _Bling Ring_ and _Emma freaking Watson._ Just before the movie starts, Alison settles on the floor in the middle of the L-shaped couches where her best friends sit.

* * *

" _Can we share?"_ Emily whispers to her right, one hand already hovering over the popcorn bowl on her lap.

Ali nods then looks over her shoulder to see Emily lying on her stomach,her upper body comfortably resting on top of Hanna's lap while their other blonde is already sprawled out and sleeping soundly barely thirty minutes into the movie.

Alison smiles fondly at the sight and holds up her popcorn bowl for easy to access to Emily but her best friend then decided to make it easier for her instead by sliding down the couch and joining her on the double-sized mattress.

" _Hanna kicks."_ Emily explains without prompting and snuggles beside her, curiously more intent on cleaning up her bowl of popcorn than watching Keira Knightley on screen.

" _Watch. It's a classic."_ Ali chides.

" _I've read it already."_

" _Really?"_ Ali whispers back in shock, not because Emily's the typical jock that pays no mind to literature but Anna Karenina's just about 900 pages long.

" _SparkNotes' Synopsis."_ Emily mumbles back surprisingly focused on the screen again, whereas, Alison's eyes are ironically trained on Emily's form, preferring to chat more; for unlike Emily, she has read the actual book itself, having finished it during her time away from Rosewood. At that time, books were her most affordable luxury and constant companion.

Ali sniggers at Emily's confession and shifts to her side, whispering,  _"Really now? Last I checked this isn't included in our required reading list or your preferred suspense or contemporary genres. So, what got you into reading cheat sheets?"_

" _Erm, no reason."_

" _When did you read it then?"_ Ali inquires, smiling encouragingly as Emily looks back at her.

" _Um summer before 10_ _th_ _grade?"_

Suddenly, Ali had a flashback of that eventful summer, randomly talking to her friends, Aria, more specifically, about her summer reading list.

* * *

**(Flashback -Summer Before Alison's Disappearance)**

Alison runs her fingers through the spine of Aria's copy of  _Anna Karenina,_ stopping at a flagged page and reads out loud the highlighted note, " ** _He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."_**

She hums approvingly and smiles back sweetly as she catches Emily staring,  _"Did you like that, Em?"_ Emily nods, predictably flustered much to Alison's amusement.

" _Well, if Emily likes that part, I'm sure I'd love this book. Em has good taste, doesn't she?"_ She winks at the said girl and refocuses her attention to an oblivious Aria.

* * *

" _Oh."_ She whispers while Emily once again looks straight ahead, knowing Alison has realized the significance of this particular book/movie.

" _Well, we should watch it. Refresh our memory."_ Ali feebly adds, the popcorn bowl forgotten as they now sit stiffly beside each other. Part of Ali hopes that Emily can snuggle with her comfortably as she did with Hanna a while ago. But deep down she knows that this kind of comfort arises from pure sibling love, something she wants, craves from everyone in this den,  _except of course from the person beside her._

* * *

**(An hour or so after)**

" _Emily, wake up."_ Ali gently jostles the sleeping girl snuggling her, and smiles dotingly at the adorable grumbling,  _"Five more minutes."_

" _Hanna!"_

" _Hey! Owww!"_

Ali and Emily both cry out, the second Hanna's pillow hits Emily  _hard_.

" _I'm starving. Come on down!"_ Hanna yells, already half-way out of the den, leaving Emily and Alison, arms still tangled around each other.

" _Let's get going."_

" _Yeah."_

" _Hanna might hit you again, if you don't hurry up."_

" _Right."_

Avoiding eye contact, they clumsily separate, and mutely walk downstairs to the Hastings' kitchen where everyone's waiting, already eating their first slices. The two late-comers thank Spencer as she passes them a slice each and take seats opposite each other around Spencer's kitchen counter.

" _So, Em, you want to do the honors?"_ Aria pipes up as she nibbles her pizza.

" _No, you do it or Spencer."_

" _But it's your idea."_ Aria insists, only relenting due to Emily's manic head-shaking and head ducking as Ali looks at them weirdly.

" _Well, if you're sure."_ Aria then shrugs and turns to Ali,  _"Ali, we have a favor to ask."_ She bites her lip excitedly, and gets a large bag behind her, taking out several books in blue, silver and white colors,  _Rosewood High School colors._

" _Is that the yearbook?"_ Ali asks immediately.

" _Yes. You forgot your copy when you emptied your locker. I kept it for you."_ Spencer notes, her face blank as she gauges Ali's reaction.

" _I didn't… never mind. Thanks for saving it, Spence."_ Lying through her teeth, Ali smiles and reaches for the top copy, hoping it's hers (to throw later without an audience). But Aria holds on to the copy and explains, " _Wait, Ali, we want to sign it first. And, of course, you have to sign ours."_ Aria then gives her a beautiful kind smile on, slightly disarming Alison's guarded expression. But Ali really doesn't understand the point of this request.

" _What do you mean? Where am I going to sign? I have a thumbnail sized photo at the juniors' section and even smaller class, choir and field hockey pictures unless if you want me to write over other people's faces then sure."_ Ali looks on incredulously as they all just give knowing and patient smiles.

" _Page 94, Alison."_

" _What?"_

" _Turn to page 94, Ali."_ Hanna repeats, thrusting Ali's copy to her. Weirded out, Alison nonetheless browses through her yearbook seeing some signed pages reserved for the graduating class. Shocked, she reads through various ' _congrats in advance_ ,' or  _'good luck, Alison'_ greetings written across several graduates' pages, like Cindy and Mindy, Bridget Wu to name a few. And a cryptic  _"here's to looking at you, kid"_ from Mona Vanderwaal herself before she finally reaches page 94, where a photo of her is pasted, size full-blown, and a dedication page all to herself, making it appear that she's part of the graduating batch too. She looks at her questioningly, unable to wrap her head around this small surprise yet.

" _Well, Emily thought you should be part of our graduating class. And we all agreed that our yearbook won't be complete without your ugly mug there so I asked Caleb to nick a soft copy of your picture from the school files and there you go, resize-cut-and-paste. We asked some of the guys to write during graduation rehearsals, by the way. For the record, I suggested pasting your picture over Sydney Driscoll's or even Ben Coogan's because who cares about them, right? Well, apparently Emily here does."_ Hanna sighs exaggeratedly then hands her a sharpie swapping her yearbook copy for Alison's.

" _Go, write up. I'll sign yours first. Who knows, you might sell it for a grand at eBay someday."_ Hanna prods jokingly as Ali stands there in shock.

" _Oh my god, I broke Alison DiLaurentis."_

Shaking her head, Ali chuckles and smiles appreciatively at her best friends. She feels a rush of warmth just looking at every single one of them - the family she chose and who for some inexplicable reason still choose to let her be a part of theirs. These people who had been her rock since day one, especially  _Emily_. Finally making eye contact with her mermaid, she mouths a shy  _Thank You_  before she starts writing in her loopy cursive.

**Hey, Han! If I tell you I was threatened by you, would you believe me?**

Her letter starts, oddly finding truth-telling therapeutic, as she finally pours into paper all her apologies, gratitude and well-wishes. Soon, she swaps yearbook copies with the rest of the girls, the last being Emily. She excitedly opens the book to Emily's part and reads:

**You'll always be my best friend, Ali.**

**Love you! – Emily**

Ali does her best to hide the disappointed frown upon reading the brief dedication from her closest friend. Honestly, she expected to read a longer more expressive write-up, It's not she doesn't appreciate it. It's sweet and typical Emily to be honest, but she was hoping  _more,_  something that perhaps will match the one she did in Emily's yearbook. So to cover up her own insecurity and vulnerability, Ali makes another request.

" _Don't read it yet, okay? Do it when you leave Rosewood please?"_ she whispers, hugging Emily, as the bleakness of their future together sinks in.  _Maybe she's blowing this out of proportion_ but Alison still embraces her best friend tightly and desperately unable to let go just yet because soon she knows she has to, even if she never wanted to.

* * *

**(Labor Day Weekend: Barely an Hour after Goodbye Scene)**

" _Ali?"_ Ali looks up from re-reading her journal upon hearing that familiar voice and then calls out loudly.

" _In here! Oh...Em? Hey, what are you doing here? Did you forget something?"_ She stands up eyes narrowed as she notices the troubled look Emily has.

" _I um yeah… there's a traffic jam at the city limits so um I read your message in my yearbook, I mean. I had to translate it first and I almost missed my turn, but then I had to go back here anyway so it doesn't matter and I just want to…"_

Oh that's why,  _Ali thinks,_ maybe she feels guilty and that's the last thing Alison wanted so she raises her hand to interrupt Emily's breathless rambling.

" _Emily, you don't have to say anything."_

" _No, I have to. I want to. Please…"_

Ali nods, anxiously waiting Emily's response.

" _I wanted you to keep this please. For me."_ Emily nervously fishes a piece of fabric from jean pocket, and hands it over to Ali.

" _I gave this to you, Em."_ Ali points out, hurt as she holds the friendship bracelet she gave several years back.  _Why is she returning it? What does it mean?_

" _No, I will get it back, I promise. Je reviendrai."_ Emily stutters in French, hoping Alison can detect the meaning behind her chosen words. And Ali does, of course Alison does. They're too fluent at double-speak. Emily exhales audibly at the soft,  _"okay"_ from her best friend and then clasps her hand gently.

Ali would have preferred a kiss on the lips or cheek or a mere hug but she squeezes back in understanding, holding on to Emily's unspoken promise  _that they'd find their way back to each other_ , before she lets go and nods as Emily bids her goodbye again, mumbling something about needing to get back on the road as she leaves.

While Ali remains rooted in her backyard, unable to walk her best friend out.  _Everything feels surreal to Alison like Emily is a mirage, a dream, a delusion except she holds on to her bracelet – a physical reminder of that promise._

As if in a trance, or waking up from a really good dream, Alison grabs her journal. She knows in her heart that she will not forget that moment but she doesn't want to take any chances and with Emily she wants everything to be certain, and so she pens:

8:37 am 04 September 2012

Ma sirène a dit: "Je reviendrai" et m'a demandé de garder le bracelet que je lui ai donné.

La semaine dernière, je lui ai écrit: "Laissez-moi vous aimer absolument, tout en sacrifiant tout sans espoir de retour. Ma pure et solitaire joie."

* * *

**(Translation)**

8:37 am 04 September 2012

My mermaid said, "I will  **return** " and asked me to keep the bracelet I gave her.

Last week, I wrote to her, "Let me love you absolutely, giving everything, sacrificing everything  **without hope of return.** My pure and solitary joy."

* * *

If someone approached Alison yesterday and told her  _she can have everything her heart desires,_  she'd hold her short temper and find a polite way to tell that person to fuck off. Because Alison can detect a lie a mile away. But today, when Emily practically promised the same thing, she finds no reason to doubt. Because experience tells her that there is only truth in her best friend's words… and so she prays.

* * *

J'attendrai – Rina Ketty

(Revival by Jill Barber et al.)

_J'attendrai_

I will wait

_Le jour et la nuit,_

Day and night

_j'attendrai toujours_

I will wait always

_Ton retour, J'attendrai_

For your return, I will wait.

* * *

Alison's Yearbook Message to Emily: A modified version of Albert Camus' words.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was that? Vague? No? I hope not.
> 
> On Flashback: Sorry if this is not what you're expecting but I really feel this chapter is needed to set the tone on what Alison would do once she finds out that Emily's a hot mess.
> 
> On Storyline: I have a plotline for this story, in fact I have approximately four more chapters planned. There's already a song title for each chapter too; hence there's a guarantee on what will happen, I just haven't fleshed out the details yet. But I might add chapters though, we'll see. Just bear with me.
> 
> Slower Updates: But I'm going back to school so I'm sorry if the updates will not be as often.
> 
> Story Flow: I hope you don't mind the non-chronological manner this is presented. But you can read it chronological too In that case go from 3-11-4-5-1-6-2-7-8-9-10
> 
> Comments on the Girls' Characterization? I'm thinking of making Spencer more present sometime soon so I'd like to hear ideas on how she'd react to Emily dropping-out for example.
> 
> Question, do you like Emily and Alison's here? My friend said she can relate more to Em, what do you think?
> 
> Comments are music to my ears. : )
> 
> Fangirling Notes: I'm ready to watch Peach Isabella Salinger in You and Isabella in Honored. Are you? Wow, the coincidence!
> 
> Erratum: My bad, Bling Ring was shown in 2013 and Anna Karenina thankfully was shown in 2012. But I won't change that now I guess.


	12. Hurricane - Em's Floating Year 01 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright, alright, alright (in Matthew McConaughey's voice)! I updated!
> 
> Warning: Do not expect anything great from this chapter. Lol. I had a hard time writing it because I wanted to a do a lot of things for this reveal but at the same time, I don't want to unload everything in one chapter. So you got this first parter. Here you go.

 

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**Hurricane**

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 02)**

Coming like a hurricane, I take it in real slow  
The world is spinning like a weathervane  
Fragile and composed  
I am breaking down again  
I am aching now to let you in

* * *

_"This is filled up and signed. You're at least half-sure about this. What's going on?"_

Emily stands a few steps from her apartment door, arms crossed hugging herself as she contemplates on what exactly should she tell her girlfriend.  _Stall, stall, stall_ , she chants in her head.

" _Ali, it's not final, okay? I'm just tossing the idea in my head. Nothing to worry about."_ She sucks her inner cheeks and casts her eyes down upon seeing Ali's confused and hurt expression.

" _Whatever for, Emily? You're graduating this year. You're interning in Salk, for goodness' sake. I thought you like it there. Why do you want to join the army?!"_ Ali's tone starts soft and pleading but at the end, she can't rein in the hurt and anger in her voice borne from worry as she tosses the enlistment forms by the coffee table, wishing it were a fireplace instead. But she has no intention to start a shouting match; she just wants to talk and hopefully dissuade her girlfriend from whatever harebrained plans she has.

Taking a deep breath, Ali switches the TV off and repositions herself back on the couch, hoping Emily would do the same. But her girlfriend refuses to look at her at all, standing there like a scolded child. Alison eyes her for a second before she sighs and holds her hand out, reaching for Emily but the other girl shakes her head.

" _Em? I just want to understand please."_

" _I don't know where to start."_

" _Wherever's easiest for you, love."_ Ali gives a tiny smile of encouragement that Emily turns away from, mumbling  _"Nothing's easy though."_ Ali purses her lips, restraining herself from huffing at Emily's childish response.

" _Okay, would it help if you tell me why you find it hard?"_

 _No, it wouldn't. I can't let you be disappointed, I can't let you pity me._ Instead of speaking her mind, Emily chews her lip, staring back at Alison. She feels cornered, a spider trapped by her own sticky web of lies. She has to come undone and can only hope her girlfriend wouldn't look at her differently.  _The irony though - lying to the best liar she knows_. Lying to save face when for so long she prayed for the other girl to be honest with her _. Stupid, Em._  She closes her eyes, berating herself.  _Fuck it._

" _I'm broke."_ Snip. Her first lie goes.

" _I dropped out. School didn't work out for me. I lied about Salk, I bartend at night. I'm a mess, Ali."_ Snip. Snip. Snap. More thread of lies unspun.

" _I'm trying to fix it now. I'm saving to get back to school, I promise I'm fixing it."_ Her voice breaks, begging Ali to believe her, but more so trying to convince herself that she can truly get herself out of this mess.

" _Emily, when did you drop out?"_

" _After my dad died. I just – nothing made sense anymore. I skipped classes, couldn't be bothered to attend. It cost me my scholarship."_ She shrugs half-heartedly and gulps involuntarily, casting her eyes down to avoid facing the worry lines on her girlfriend's face. Her dry throat itches for another drink, just to take the edge off.

" _And you think joining the army would help you get back on track?"_ Ali asks; her eyebrows knit as she scrutinizes Emily's stance, still guarded despite the truth bombs she's dropping.

" _Maybe. I don't know. I just wanted to do something I can be proud of."_ And it's not like I have many choices, Emily mumbles to herself.

" _And you think the army will accept you? You have PTSD, Em. Have you forgotten?!"_ Ali bites back before she can stop herself. God, she can't believe this is happening. It feels like she doesn't know this person before her.

" _No, of course not! I still get nightmares, no - not nightmares, I get flashbacks of every single time we were tortured. I get panic attacks from the slightest trigger: phone vibrations, black hoodies, whirring sounds, bright fucking lights, and even without those things, sometimes, I can't breathe for absolutely no reason. HOW CAN I FORGET, ALISON?!"_ She groans and rubs her face in frustration, breathing heavily as her head throbs from shouting, from the long-bottled anger and disappointment she's finally letting out, and likely from the handful of screwdrivers she made for herself tonight.

" _I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"_

" _You didn't mean to what? Belittle my stupid plans?"_

Ali's breathe hitches as Emily spats, looking at her in white rage.

" _Em, it's not that, okay? I don't want you to enlist not because of your trauma. I thought that after college we'd move in together. I didn't think you'd want to go to some war-ridden country and leave me home wondering how you are, constantly fearing for your safety."_

" _You've had enough practice though. We both do."_ Scoffing, Emily smirks at the other girl before she wordlessly makes the short trip to the kitchen to get the lone beer she keeps " _for emergency purposes_." Certainly, tonight calls for it. Popping the can open, she comes back to Alison and sits on the top of the couch, waiting for the next dose of reality her girlfriend seems to expertly dole out these days.

Alison, however, simply watches her feigned relaxed form, openly studying her actions. Masking her annoyance, Emily takes a couple of long gulps and extends the can, eyebrow raised,  _"you want some?"_

Surprising Emily, Alison nods and grabs the offered beverage, drinking from it longer, practically emptying the can, while she side-eyes the other girl. Although Emily's eyes are trained on her, she also notices those brown orbs' deliberately blinking and losing focus every now and then.  _Bingo._ She's 100% sureher newly-discovered bartender girlfriend's under influence.

Ali sets the bone-dry can on the coffee table, and swallows the burgeoning hiccup down her throat. She takes a couple steps closer, inches away from her girlfriend's lips, and breathes her in.

Confusing Emily further, Ali steps back, and shakes her head ruefully as she uncovers another truth her girlfriend seems to conveniently forget telling.

See, the problem with some lies is that they really cannot hide the truth. Some ugly truths permeate one's life like pervasive stench – a strong whiff of alcohol in Emily's case. And judging from the hint of synthetic ethanol, apart from the unmistakable malty smell of the beer they both had, Ali easily guesses the main culprit or spirit-  _vodka_ ,  _the best friend of secret alcoholics._ Of course, being around alcoholics her entire life makes Alison DiLaurentis an expert. It appears tonight that she's going to have a refresher course courtesy of no less than her girlfriend.

She hides her disappointment as Emily's eyes close in their own accord. Once more, Ali moves to her side and wraps an arm around Emily's waist, supporting her weight,  _"Come on, we'll talk more in the morning."_

" _I'll sleep here. Go ahead."_ Emily mutters and slumps on the couch, breathing slowly as they regard each other once again with Ali standing in front of Emily's half-prone form, her torso resting on the couch whilst her feet remain planted on the floor.

" _Alright, suit yourself."_ Alison shrugs and backs down, knowing there's no point talking, much less arguing, with a drunk turns around and heads to bed only to stop as Emily's warm hand grabs her own.

" _Ali, I'm sorry."_ Ali sighs as she gazes down, her heart aching for her mermaid's sad regret-filled eyes. She bends down, brushes Emily's slightly messed up black hair and leans in to kiss her forehead.

" _I know, love. Me too."_ She whispers and kneels down, massaging Emily's scalp to quickly send her to sleep before she carefully sets the pillows and blanket around her.

" _Good night, Em."_

* * *

**(Next Morning)**

_"We need to talk."_

Groaning, Emily pulls the blanket up, blocking out the intense sunlight slipping through the blinds. She mentally curses herself for setting up the couch right below the sole double-hung window in her studio apartment, even if it she purposely did so to remind her of her beloved window seat back home.

" _That sounds ominous."_ She grumbles, forcing herself to sit up while Ali's dry chuckle fills the room. Despite the crick on her neck and the dull throb on her head, Emily cannot suppress the pleased smile from spreading across her face as she sees most beautiful woman in the world, bearing two cups as she walks towards her.

" _I'm not breaking up with you if that's what you are worried about."_ Ali speaks softly, playfully, Emily notes. She passes her a cup and sits on the empty space on the couch, one foot tuck under her leg as she takes a slow sip.

Inhaling the intoxicating aroma of caffeine, Emily mumbles " _good_ " in response andwatches the other girl from the corner of her eyes. Technically, the ball is on Emily's court to explain but as it is words have never been her strongest suit and so she waits for Ali to break the ice.

However, the silence stretches even as Emily puts her cup down, only to hold it up and drink again.  _Clearly, Ali's not going to let her dodge this one._

Sighing, she nervously sets the cup back down and turns to her side.

" _Are you mad at me?"_

" _For?"_

" _Ali…"_ Emily whines realizing that her questioning tactic immediately backfired.

" _Tell me, Em, why would I be mad at you?"_

" _For lying? For not telling you the truth about school? About my job? For joining the army?"_

" _You're not joining the army, Emily."_ Ali says with finality, causing Emily's jaw to clench in aggravation.

" _I don't want to bartend forever, Alison. If all else fails, I can enlist. It's not like it's a last minute decision. My dad's a National Guard, for Pete's sake."_

" _And your dad died on active duty. You know exactly what it's like to have someone you love in the army. Your life's in shambles after he died, Em. You want to relive it? Be on the other side now, do you?"_ Alison bites back as Emily shakes her head queasily. The acids on the coffee she had start to mix with the bile of guilt on her stomach, now rising up her throat.

" _Sorry, I have to…"_ She exclaims and hurriedly runs to the bathroom, barely making it to the porcelain bowl, spewing last night's dinner and bar-drinks. She hears the water running and soon sees a glass of water and her toothbrush in her periphery.

Mumbling " _thanks_ ," Emily flushes the toilet and washes up, grateful to note that Ali didn't linger inside. She already confessed being a mess, she doesn't need Ali to see the extent of it too.

Slowly, she makes her way out and sees Alison back on her spot, as if nothing happened, making one thing clear to Emily's hangover hazy mind - her girlfriend's unquestionably mad at her.

" _How many shots did you take last night?"_ Ali asks, her gaze calculating as Emily sits back on the couch, taking a pillow to her now-empty stomach.

" _I'm not sure. Five, I think?"_

" _And how many last Saturday night?"_

" _What?"_ Emily blinks for a few second until she remembered Alison nursing her hangover self, last Sunday.

" _Oh. Um… More than five. I was out with friends. It doesn't happen often"_ She responds hastily.

" _Last Sunday, when you shut the door on me, were you drinking?"_

" _No, I'm not. That wasn't it."_ She shakes her head frowning at Ali's assumption. She hasn't day-drink ever since she made that plan to clean up her act. She doesn't want her girlfriend to think she has a problem.

" _Then, what were you doing?"_

" _Cleaning up."_

" _By cleaning, you mean hiding all the alcohol you drank?"_ Ali guesses correctly as Emily remains silent.

" _Please be honest with me. How often do you drink?"_

Emily grimaces at the question and mouths, " _every night._ "

" _How many?"_

" _I don't keep track."_

" _Give me a ballpark then. And stop bullshitting me."_

" _Two-three beers here. A handful of cocktails at work. I get what I make for free though, don't worry too much."_

" _Anything else?"_ Emily frowns at the insinuation but shakes her head nonetheless.

" _You're not taking drugs? Smoking cancer sticks? Pot? I need to know what you've been doing, Em."_

" _God, no, Ali, I'm not your brother."_

" _Clearly. Jason's sober." And you're not_ , the words are left unspoken but they both know it's what Alison means as Emily's fists clench and shake at the accusation. Refusing to let her anger get the best of her, Emily stands up and grabs her phone, wallet and keys, stuffing them in her jumpsuit pocket.

" _I need some fresh air."_ She explains, excusing herself as she reaches the door but stops at Alison's alarmed,  _"Where are you going?"_

" _Don't worry about me, Ali. Just go home."_

Smiling contritely, Emily closes the door and instantly sprints to the stairs. Ignoring her tear-stained cheeks, she walks briskly along San Diego's bustling streets, still unsure of her destination.

All Emily knows right now is that she needs to get away from the very person she promised not to leave behind again, run away from the very person she disappoints again and again.

* * *

Unnerved, Ali continually calls Emily's phone, and only stops after a useless hour, when she realized that she doesn't want to waste her girlfriend's battery, not knowing how much is left on Emily's phone from that evening. She'd rather refrain from calling than have Emily lying on a ditch somewhere, possibly drunk and unable to call because her phone died after Ali's 100th missed call.

 _God, I am becoming paranoid_ , Ali complains to herself. She never thought her Emily would… _could_  lie to her, especially about something so life-changing.

 _Maybe this would not have happened, if only she heeded Spencer's warnings on Emily's alcoholic tendencies,_ Alison then muses and exclaims, _Right, Spencer!_

Wasting no time, Ali gives Spencer a ring, pacing in Emily's small apartment as she checks the time to calculate what time would it be for the other girl except she doesn't know where Spencer is. DC, Rosewood, London, it could be anywhere.

" _Ali?"_

" _Oh thank God, you answered."_

" _Is everything alright?"_

" _No, not really. Spence, if you're an upset Emily, where would you go?"_ Ali cringes at her barely-thought-out question and holds her breath for the predictable response.

" _What? Did you guys fight?"_

" _No. I mean yes. It's a gray area right now, Spencer. I just need to know where Emily could possibly go to."_

" _Well, I need to know why she's upset so I can make a smart guess where she could be. I'm not a fortune teller."_ This time, Ali takes a few seconds to carefully word her answer, aware that Emily may not appreciate outing her secret, even if it was to their best friend.

" _We fought because she got drunk last night. She was upset about her dad and other things…"_

" _Hmm… you're still in San Diego, are you?"_

" _Yes, obviously or I'd be driving around Rosewood instead of making this call."_ Spencer rolls her eyes at Ali's snarky ungrateful tone. She reminds herself that Ali rarely bites people's heads off nowadays unless she's upset herself, and fighting with Emily certainly falls on top of Ali's list of anger triggers.

" _You said she was drunk, okay. Whenever she was, we usually found her in your grave, the fake one in the cemetery. And obviously, you can't find that in Cali. Nor can you find her dad's. But based from her occasional trips there, I'm sure you'd find her somewhere quiet, but some place she holds dear."_

" _The community pool."_

" _Sure, if it's quiet."_

" _I don't have a better idea, Spence."_

" _Hmm… if she isn't. Call Hanna and get that girl's number. Stella? They seem close so she probably has some intel on Emily's new hunts."_

Alison merely hums at the suggestion, perishing the thought of asking a stranger where her girlfriend and long-time best friend could be. She immediately ends the call after thanking Spencer, and heads out to the community pool, hoping her first and only hunch on her girlfriend's whereabouts is right.

* * *

She stops counting after her twentieth lap; her shoulder's burning from overexertion. But to her, the sensation leaves a good kind of ache that clears her hangover brain, and prevents her pained heart from constricting.

It was a good thing she had the forethought to keep a spare bathing suit, casual clothes and flip flops in her work locker. Otherwise, Emily would have been tempted to get drunk this morning, and possibly miss both her jobs in the process. Or worse, she could stupidly show up and get her drunk ass fired.

Treading at the deep-end of the pool, she glances at the clock on the other side to check how many minutes she has left before the lunch-time pool cleaning, only to find a familiar figure standing near the edge.  _The downside of dating your best friend, you really can't hide anything_ , Emily sighs to herself before she freestyles back to the said persistent girlfriend.

" _I told you to go home."_

 _You're my home, you clueless alcoholic jerk,_ Ali retorts inwardly but snorts instead and turns around to grab Emily's towel, a silent command for the other to get out of the pool.

" _Is that what you want?"_ Alison counters as she drapes the towel around her best friend's shoulders, frowning when Emily ignores her question and just rotates her shoulder with a grimace.

" _Does it hurt?"_

" _No, yes. It's fine, Ali. I'm used to it."_ Despite Emily's dismissive wave, Ali still rubs circles on her back soothingly with just enough pressure to relieve her sore muscles as they make their way to the bleachers.

" _Em, you need to let me in. I can't help you if you keep shutting down on me or running off to God knows where."_

" _I know. I messed up, I get it. But I got everything under control now, so please stop attacking me."_ Emily begs, her voice breaking, her lips quivering as she stays the waterworks in her eyes.

Ali also resists from letting out at a frustrated groan. In-denial emotional Emily is so much worse than Adderall-hyped fearful Spencer or woe-is-me white girl wasted Hanna. At least Spencer still listens to reason, and Hanna's easy to push with a little reverse psychology.

With Emily though, she's dumb-founded on what to do. She now knows she cannot push her buttons, nor can she coddle her proud girlfriend. Briefly, she considers the old guilt-tripping trick she employed on the very few people who loved her, her estranged dad and dead mom. She imagines saying it to the other girl,  _"Emily, we didn't spend a decade dancing around each other's feelings and getting tortured, only for you to die on me in the next one. You need to stop self-destructing, if not for yourself at least for me. For us."_ Ali would beg, command tears if she must, it won't be faked anyway. But it won't be fair to either of them.

Conflicted, Alison sighs and takes her girlfriend's still wrinkly hand, caressing it from wrist to palm before she catches Emily's gaze.

" _I'm sorry if you feel attacked, love. All I want is what's best for you. You know that, right? I'll support you no matter what. I'm just not sure if what you're doing now is the best option…"_ Ali says cautiously.

To which Emily replies a whining,  _"Ali…"_

" _No, listen to me, Em. I'm not judging you. I'm not mad at you either. Disappointed? Yes. But not because you failed school, okay? I just feel bad that you didn't tell me about it. I could have helped you."_ Alison notes dejectedly but shakes her head before Emily can interject.

" _I get it. You were grieving. It doesn't matter now how I found out. What matters is how we can get past this."_

" _We? This isn't your prob…"_ Emily's protest starts but Alison cuts her off with a firm squeeze on her wrist.

" _Don't you dare, Emily Fields, don't you dare."_ She warns sternly, offended at Emily's implication. She barely noticed that she was shooting dagger eyes at her girlfriend until Emily skittishly breaks eye-contact. This reaction then prompts Alison to close her eyes and calm her thoughts.  _This isn't about you, Ali, this isn't about how you feel,_  she reminds herself.

" _Please don't say that again, Em. Your problem is my problem too. I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend just so I can kiss you. Although that's a really great perk."_ Ali teases, earning a light chuckle and disbelieving head shake from Emily, before Ali powers through her planned proposal.

" _In all seriousness though, I want to help, okay? How many classes do you have left? I still have less than a hundred grand in my trust fund and savings, not to mention Mom's inheritance money and Carissimi's annual profits. We can-"_

This time, it's Emily's chance to cut Alison off and unyielding asserts,  _"Not a chance, Alison. Not going to happen."_

" _Think of it as a loan…"_

" _Ali, that is not up for discussion."_ Emily insists now standing up as she reaches for her Pepperdine Waves drawstring backpack, incensed at her girlfriend's offered charity.

Alison gets up as well, determined not to let Emily walk-out again, and asks once more,  _"Em, wait please."_

Emily stops midway to the changing room and sighs regretfully upon seeing a frantic Alison in her wake.

" _Sorry, I'll just change then we can dine out before my afternoon lessons. Can we not talk about this for now please? I just want to spend time with you."_

" _Okay, I'll wait for you outside."_ Ali relents and forces a smile on her face only because Emily walks back to her for a light kiss.

" _I love you, Ali."_

" _I love you more."_ She jests, although the double meaning behind it, intended or not, isn't lost to either girl.

And for the first time in years, they regard each other awkwardly before Emily scrambles to change whilst Alison slowly heads back to the bleachers by the pool, distressed at the lack of resolution of their heart-to-heart.

Ali supposes that this should not have come as a shock. They love each other  _more than words can describe_. Their years of friendship can attest to that.

 _But that's really the problem isn't it?_  They're too confident of their love for each other that sometimes, well, most of the time they don't try hard enough to talk things through.

Love between them is the only constant she knows _. But now, Alison wonders if their love is nothing more than fate resigned._

* * *

**Hurricane - Fleurie**

It's all we know, all we know, the hurricane

Falling slow, falling slow in the pouring rain

It's all we know, all we know, the hurricane

Falling slow, falling slow in the pouring rain

Watch it go, watch it go, we stay the same

* * *

" _Love is a fate resigned"_  (Lyrics from Love is a Losing Game, Amy Winehouse)

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Notes: Originally, I had three major plans for this chapter.
> 
> This reveal of Emily's problemssss and their confusing passive aggressive fight about it, then two more things. But I don't want to overwhelm myself, and possibly you guys with back-to-back issues.
> 
> So please be patient as I plan and write the next two parts. For now, I hope this doesn't disappoint that much.
> 
> Again, fair warning, the story can be anticlimactic depending on how you look at it.
> 
> On Song Choice: It's from Fleurie! The same person who sang Breathe as background to 7x15 Emison floor scene (because Ali for some reason likes to sit on the floor). I hope some of you liked/listened to my song choices. I literally had them on repeat so I can get inspiration to write the chapters.
> 
> On Previous Chapter "J'Attendrai:" Did the previous chapter set the tone for this one? Hint it has something to do with Ali. You get it? Yes? No? Oh well, maybe you can sense it more on the next chapters.
> 
> Questions: So is anyone annoyed with Emily? I'm starting to be annoyed with her. Nah. Not really.
> 
> The next question may be for this fic or for another, or just a random musing. Several chapters ago, I asked about Ali's dating preference. And many said she was only gay for Em but I like that suggestion about her dating another girl…
> 
> So now, my question, does Alison DiLaurentis have a type in men or women?
> 
> Do you guys miss the fluff? I feel like there are enough tender moments here seeing that love is never a problem with this two.
> 
> Up Next: I'm gunning for a Charlison moment. I'm not sure yet but I want to see more of Spencer and Aria. I need me some Spemily. Lol.
> 
> Anyway, what would Emison do with Em's problems? How will it affect them?
> 
> Comments on grammar, verb tense, the chars' POV, this chapter? Feel free to suggest, guys! Until next time!


	13. There's a Ghost - Em's Floating Year 01 Part 03

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**There's a Ghost**

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 03)**

There's a ghost she's wearing my face

At parties, bein' introduced with my name

Just a skeleton of bones

Wearing nothin' but clothes

And she is paralyzing

The human soul is a treacherous place

Beneath the mask,

we wear a dark and twisted labyrinth lace

Secrets often closed its close

Never surface while we keep composed

Come out of hiding

* * *

**(Emily's POV)**

It's no secret Emily hates arguments. She'd rather stew in a corner and let the fight blow over than talk things through. It's not a big deal anyway. Whatever she's dealing with. But Ali insists it would help  _to discuss._  Like her problem's a school project they can brainstorm over and bullet-point their way through. She may hate talking about her problems; unfortunately, she hates to see an upset and worried Alison more.

And so in the span of three days, she allowed Ali to rope her in some serious talks. On what Ali  _thinks_  she needs and what she knows she doesn't. In the end, Ali made her promise three (not so) little things.

The first promise was made the night after their talk by the pool. Emily's on her way out when Ali grabbed her hand.

" _Hey, can I ask you a favor?"_

" _Yeah. Sure?"_

" _Will you stop drinking?"_

" _Ali…"_

" _I know. I know you bartend and it would be hard to say no. But it's better if you stop now before it's too late."_

Emily tucked her lips to hide her amused smirk. But the indents on her cheeks made it quite obvious.

" _Em, please…"_

" _Paranoid much, babe?"_  She teased. Alison squeezed her hand firmly.

" _Okay… I promise."_  Emily relented, sighing at the raised eyebrows she might get so she adds, _"But… Can I drink on occasions? I don't want people to think I joined the AA or something. Oh and speaking of favors, Ali… please don't bring up that loan thing again, okay? I'll be fine."_ Emily asked in return but got nothing more than pursed lips from Alison.

Fresh from (restless) sleep the next day, Alison's garbles woke her up. She gently shook Alison awake and held her, whispering calming words. Still sobbing and breathing erratically, Ali demanded her to cross-out her enlistment plans and instead take her money as last recourse. She acceded, of course. Without conditions at all (if only to placate her anxiety-ridden girlfriend).

And just yesterday morning, Alison begged her to tell her own mother as soon as possible. Preferably before she flies back to Rosewood for her father's death anniversary. Just a week shy from her birthday.

But Emily's not quite sure if she can follow through. So all she gave was a non-committal,  _"we'll see."_ And a blatant topic change.  _"Now, come shower with me."_ With a sleight of her hand, she made her top disappear and put a temporary stopper to Ali's worries.

Emily recognizes every single promise she made to Ali was, in truth, made for herself. But promises are easy to make and even easier to break. In Emily's case, it only takes one convenient excuse.

* * *

And so there she stands and walks along Garnet Avenue, Pacific Beach – home to the best bars in this side of town.

Well, walking's boring. Emily's floating. No wait, she's riding. Riding no less than a carousel. With the horses and the pumpkin and the teacup seats. And the spinning world outside. And the last noticeable thing about carousels? The music. The stately adagio. In the form of a slow waltz or a children's lullaby. Nobody actively hears.

This is how Emily imagines her current state, atop a metaphorical carousel horse, that is her unsteady legs.

The colors swirling at every turn. Neon red, blue and green signs. Soft yellow lamppost lights. Shiny black boots. Golden palm trees.

Up and down. Round and round and round her body turns but mind-numbingly slow.

The best part? The reason why she drinks to her heart's content? Why she can't help breaking a promise to Alison?

The  _silence,_ the pin-drop silence of her blank buzzed mind until –

" _Scusi! Scusi! Emilee, stop!"_

Blinking deliberately, Emily turns side-ways as an arm wraps around her side.

" _Stell! Good to see you!"_ She grins goofily and hugs her friend. Stella gently pushes her way,  _"I told you to wait."_

" _You did?"_  She pouts.

Stella smiles wryly and nods,  _"Yeah. Come on, I'll take you home."_

" _Yes, please. Take me to Ali. Wait no, coffee! I need coffee."_

* * *

A double espresso shot and one cab ride later, Emily's standing in front of her apartment. Hands cupped over the lower half of her face. She exhales loudly. Alcohol breath.  _Ali's gonna be pissed._

Fist suspended in the air, she lets her mind wander to her first and last shots tonight. How easy it was to take the first the under the premise that it would be the last. But it's not. Neither were the second nor the third. She lost count after five.

But it was Fred's birthday. How can she say no to her boss? She can't. Miss Manners would agree, for sure. She bites her bottom lip. Ms. Manners might, Ali definitely won't.

Palm sweaty and throat dry, Emily braces herself for Ali's reaction: lips pressed in disapproval, eyes brewing with worry, sharp voice laced with anger.  _Breathe in. Breathe out. Knock_.

" _Hey…"_ She trails off and glances furtively at Alison.

" _Hey, you. How did the party go?"_

" _What?"_ Emily steps in, baffled at Ali's soft voice, and squints at her adorable sleepy eyes.

" _Your boss' party? How did it go?"_

" _Oh it was good. Pretty fun."_

" _Did you drink?"_

 _Of course, Alison doesn't have a clue,_  Emily plasters a teeth-baring grin and nods, holding up two fingers,  _"yeah… rum and coke jello shots. Not my thing, so I stopped."_

Smiling, Alison shakes her head,  _"you hate jello."_

" _You know it."_  Emily winks playfully and grins. Once Ali holds her hand, Emily steps back and hastily explains,  _"Sorry, I need a shower. I kinda stink."_

And before Alison decides to kiss her, Emily turns abruptly and marches to the bathroom, sighing in relief at the close call.

It doesn't take long to wash away the stench of the shots she took. But the guilt soon seeps in as the steady stream of water clears her head.

Backed against the shower wall, she chews the tip of her thumb as she tries to still her racing thoughts and shush the hisses and taunts her sober mind conjures. She squeezes her eyes shut, for how long she's not sure. It only opens when a louder external one breaks in –

" _Are you done?"_

" _Yeah. Be out in a sec!"_ She shouts and shakes her head.  _No more, Em. No more lying to Alison. That's the last,_ she murmurs her promise before she slides the glass screen and steps out. But Emily ought to have known by now  _promises are nothing more than lies told in future tense_. Her last drink and lie that night were the firsts of many "lasts."

* * *

When the opportunity strikes again, Emily never lets it pass. A couple of nights after Fred's birthday, she, along with a handful of bartenders, are asked to stay for work an hour longer to critique the new cocktails in the menu. Taste-testing the concoctions is a must, of course. Drinking up the shots? That' Emily's nifty little plus.

By Saturday, her modelling agency booked her for a fashion dinner and mixer party in Hotel del Coronado. The hourly pay rate is good; but the open bar after the show? Even better.

Safe to say, Emily's now an advocate and practitioner of the Hastings' Way:  _when Emily Fields has a shot, she takes the shot._  Literally.

But to Emily's defense, she only downs shots  _to forget_  certain painful things. Scientifically, however, alcohol's effect does not discriminate.

It starts with little things…

* * *

Emily wakes up to fluttering kisses. Lips trailing from her eyelids and down to her cheeks and jaw. The pleasant sensations would have made her smile were it not for the pins and needles spreading and penetrating her head – a pesky side effect of drinking caffeine to trick herself sober.

" _Good morning."_ Alison smiles warmly. She hovers above Emily, whose nose scrunches mid-yawn, and thus gets an Eskimo kiss in response.

" _Morning. What time is it?"_ Emily mumbles and nuzzles her face on the crook of Ali's neck. Effectively blocking the harsh sunlight.

" _8 o'clock. You still do your morning runs on Sunday, right? I was thinking I can keep you company you then we can have brunch after? It will be our little date."_ Alison hums soothingly. She pulls away a few inches and caresses Emily's arm, watching her mermaid with a tentative smile. However, Emily's pained groan soon wipes it away.

" _Oh god. I can't, Ali. I'd love to but I can't. The runway killed my legs last night. Can we just stay in?"_

Emily draws out a pout and her puppy dog eyes. She's a pulling out the big guns now but she really doesn't have to, Ali can't deny her anything.

" _Of course. We can order in instead. Do you need a bath? A massage?"_

" _No, it's okay. Raincheck on that date? I have tomorrow off."_

" _Em… I'm flying back to Rosewood tomorrow."_

" _What?!"_ Emily jerks up, displacing Alison.

" _Have you forgotten?"_ Ali asks, voice still soft.

" _Yes. No. Shoot, I mixed up the dates. I thought we still have a couple more days."_ This time Emily pouts for real and chews on her lip, pissed at herself for forgetting something so crucial about her visiting girlfriend. Luckily, she still has a chance to cover her slip. About 24 hours long of making it up.

" _Damn it! You know what? We're going out. Um… let me think. Let me think. Um…"_ Emily rambles as she sits up. Ali follows suit, kneeling on the bed, inches away from her.

" _We can have a picnic at the Balboa Park? Then we can just stroll around and visit the museums."_ Ali offers much to Em's surprise.

Emily raises an eyebrow and smirks,  _"Have you been planning this?"_

But Emily only gets a playful shrug from Ali, making her shake her head in amusement.

" _Okay, we can do that. But I decide what we're going to do in the evening."_

" _Sounds fair. Do you have any ideas where we're going?"_

Emily hums with her lips tucked, eliciting an annoyed glare from Ali.

" _That's unfair. I told you my date plans,"_ Ali sasses.

" _Not my fault you can't keep a secret, babe."_ She grins smugly as Alison's mouth drops open in affront. And then Em nips her ear and whispers,  _"Don't worry though. Your secret's safe with me."_

" _Emily Fields! Stop mocking me!"_ Ali groans and smacks her arm. But before Ali can take another hit, Em's already pouncing on her for a tickle-fight.

* * *

A tickle-fight, some light wrestling and other bedroom activities later (with two sneakily taken Advil to boot), Emily and Alison spent the day wandering around the zoo, gardens and museums of Balboa Park. It was an enjoyable first visit for both of them. Emily herself hadn't found the time or motivation to play tourist before, thereby making everything refreshingly new and beautiful to their eyes.

" _Okay, what's your favorite sight to see?"_ Emily asks on the way back to the car.

" _Hmm… the Rose Garden? Or the International Museum? I don't know. You?"_

" _You."_ She responds with a cheesy grin, prompting a blushing Alison.

" _You were setting me up for that one, didn't ya?"_ Shaking her head, Ali gives her a chaste kiss in thanks as Emily opens the passenger door.

" _Ready?"_ She asks, sliding on the driver's side.

" _Yep. Where to next?"_ Ali wiggles on her seat. She glances at Emily for a second, bites her lip and taps on her phone.

Merely smirking at the question, Emily reaches across to secure Ali's seat belt and unintentionally sees her girlfriend's phone screen.  _Of course, how could she expect anything less?_ Emily mentally slaps herself.

" _You really don't play fair, do you?"_

" _Huh?"_

" _Alison, phone."_ She demands and rolls her eyes as Ali smiles sheepishly and covers the questioned item with both hands.

" _Quit tracking. Or I'd drive us through In-N-Out and call it a night."_ She threatens and raises an eyebrow at Ali's petulant huff and stare-down.

Cool and calm, Emily stares back and counts, " _5…4…3…"_ and stops as Ali drops her phone on the center console.

" _Thank you."_ She leans over for a consoling peck but Ali cups her cheeks, pulling her in for a longer kiss. It only breaks when Ali matter-of-factly speaks,  _"You know I hate surprises."_

" _Liar."_ She calls Ali out with a disbelieving grin and grabs the phone, sliding it on the door pocket.  _Unable to "trust" Alison, mischief and all._

* * *

**(Two Hours Later - Alison's POV)**

" _Aren't you hyping this up too much, Em? I'm starting to expect a candlelit dinner at the beach but I know for a fact you don't have time for that."_ Alison complains as she walks blind. Her eyes covered by her mermaid's warm hands.

She's a little carsick as Emily took her sweet time driving her around San Diego, pointing out spots they'd see the next time she visits. But Alison had a feeling the impromptu tour truly served as a smokescreen so she wouldn't have an idea where they are heading (it became painfully obvious when Emily asked if she wanted to nap on the way).

But she's not complaining, at least not seriously. Emily can take her back to the apartment and have her wicked way with her. Ali's all game for what Emily has in store.

" _Hey, don't underestimate me."_ Emily warns behind her, guiding her hopefully closer to their destination. She can faintly make out crooning sounds and unmistakable thumps and crashes of a drum set from their spot.

" _Are we there yet?"_ She teases softly hands atop Emily's, silently begging her to put them down.

" _Hmm… I still need to buy us tickets but yeah…"_ Em kisses her cheek. She drops her hands and lets Alison see a two-decker steamboat, the sternwheeler  _Bahia Belle_ , to be exact.

" _Em, this is beautiful."_ She smiles with her eyes. Alison thought her dog-tired girlfriend needed a relaxed outing for their "last date in a while." But here she is about to go on a boat cruise. Socks knocked off her feet by a practically unprepared Emily Fields.

" _Woah, slow down. We're not buying the ship. We don't even have the tickets yet,"_ Emily quips.

" _Do you get off ruining the moment or what?"_ Groaning loudly, Ali pinches Emily's side to wipe off that smug grin she's becoming (fondly) accustomed to. Hard enough to release the frustration and to satisfy the urge to squeeze her cute annoying mermaid to death.

" _OUCH!"_

" _Last one to the ticket line pays!"_ Ali sticks her tongue out and she sprints as fast as she can. Of course, she wins. She has long learned that Em, athlete extraordinaire, would never let herself win a race against her or any of their friends for that matter not even Spencer.  _Tooth achingly sweet_ , Ali muses as she waits by the ticket booth.

" _How much for the boat?"_ Emily pulls a half-smirk and sides up to her. With (another) exasperated eye-roll, Ali nudges her girlfriend hard, and turns to the ticket staff,  _"two tickets please."_

 _And a tooth ache too, rotten to the core,_ she adds belatedly _._

* * *

The dinner was scrumptious. And the light chat (read: banter) equally delightful. But they're still waiting for the crescendo of the night. Ali smiles to herself as she watches Emily swaying to the slow rhythm of the old blues. Cute and dorky.

Then it comes. The big band playing transitions to full swing. Finally. And Emily's up and pulling her to the dance floor. Their pace quick on the get-go, improvising as the tempo builds.

Ali lets her mermaid lead. She copies Emily's lightning-fast foot-switches. Flourishing arm swings. And whipping tuck-turns. _All done bold and graceful. Like everything Emily._ Grinning the entire time, Ali's face flushed from exhilaration only her mermaid can bring.

A handful songs later, Emily gently tugs her to the side.  _"Do you want a drink?"_

Catching her breath, Ali nods and follows Emily, hand in hand, to the bar. She giggles involuntary as she comes back down from her high until –

" _Long Island Iced Tea and…"_ Emily trails off, tilting towards her. The choice of drink jars Alison. She chooses to address the bartender first, telling him politely, _"Make it two. But can you make both virgin please."_

She waits for the bartender to leave before she faces Em and softly chides, " _You're driving."_

" _Oh. Right. I was just thinking we could unwind. It slipped my mind. Sorry."_ Emily mutters darkly.

Alison's eyebrows knit, gauging if Em was telling the truth, or was just using their date as a convenient excuse to drink. Whatever be the truth. Alison doesn't want to risk.

" _Em, I don't want to be the bad guy. But you promised you'd drink only on occasions."_ Ali explains but Emily just leans back and gives her a perplexed look,  _"It's your last night here, doesn't it count as one?"_

" _No, it doesn't."_ Alison tuts. She feels harassed at the likelihood that this date serves dually as Em's free get-drunk-on-occasion card.

" _Sorry."_ Emily mumbles back and darts her eyes downward as the bartender places their orders by the bar top. The sight makes Alison feel like a jerk. So she amends her answer.

" _It's okay. I'm just kidding. I just mean… my leaving's not a special occasion. Unless you're happy to get rid of me. And you're not, right?"_ She smiles half-heartedly. But the joke still falls flat on both their ears.

Emily makes it even more pathetically awkward with her sad eyes, and a whining,  _"Ali…"_ It forces Ali to pull one of her old tricks. Acting.

In a split second, Ali schools her face to an easy smile and holds Emily's gaze. She says tenderly,  _"Relax. It's just a joke. And besides, as you pointed out, it's my last night here."_

She closes the distances between them and whispers on Emily's ear,  _"But you and I… we're not going to sleep. I promise."_

She exhales in relief as she feels Emily's warm breath against her skin. It makes Alison smile to herself. She presses a lingering kiss on Em's jawline and moves past her, only turning around after several steps away.

" _You coming, Em?"_ Ali smiles softly as Emily blinks repeatedly for a second more before she takes her cue and grabs their drinks, following her to god knows where.  _Distraction set._   _Tension diffused. Mission accomplished._

Masking her queasiness, Ali grabs her drink and takes a long sip. Avoiding Emily's eyes, she scans the ballroom, focus landing on the staircase.

" _Let's go."_

* * *

" _I expected you to make me see stars tonight. You know…just not literally."_ Her mermaid jests as they stand on the top deck with the clear sky overhead. They've been here for a while now, enjoying the intimate silence, the gentle breeze, and the twinkling stars above.

Shaking her head, Ali just giggles and sides up to Emily, who welcomes her with opens arms. She's grateful for the cold air giving her an incentive to cuddle in an otherwise warm Californian summer night. She looks across the dark still waters of Mission Bay and the dot-like building lights of San Diego's skyline. Truly, tender is the night.

Not because of the view in front of her or the one above her. Tonight is a dream because of the person beside her, holding her safe and warm. Ali's eyes close, wishing for every night to end like this - in Emily's arm. She can make that happen. She knows she can.

" _Em?"_

" _Hmm?"_

" _Are you sure you don't want to come back to Rosewood?"_

" _Yeah. I think I need to be here for a while."_

" _Why? There's nothing here for you."_

" _Ali…"_

" _Your mom's in Rosewood. I'm in Rosewood. You can save more money if you stay there. With me or at your mom's. It doesn't matter,"_ Ali rambles.

She pulls away to look at Emily before she continues, _"Or we can move in Philly? We have an apartment there. No one uses it. Wherever you want. And I'm sure Jason can find work for you. Then you can finish your degree at Hollis or UPenn. I can even ask Dad to get you in. Just come home with me."_  She beseeches, smiling cautiously as she waits for a reply. She has been planning and practicing this for days, making her offer so airtight, Emily would have absolutely zero reason to decline.

" _I'm not ready to go home. This is where I failed, Ali, I want to pick myself up here in California."_

 _Except, there's that._  Alison's body sags. Still, she murmurs automatically,  _"of course. I understand,"_ hiding the disappointment.

But her mermaid must have felt her closing in as Emily shifts and hugs her from behind, whispering,  _"I'm sorry, baby. I just can't go back to Rosewood. Not yet. Besides, you're my home, not Rosewood, you know that right? I'd ask you to stay but we both know you can't."_

Ali takes a deep breath as she is reminded of her sister 3,000 miles away. The sister she has been video-calling every day (with kind Dr. Rollins' supervision).

Charlotte had been good and pleasant the first week she's here. But when she mentioned extending her visit (secretly for Emily's sake), Charlotte got a little miffed and ended their call half-an-hour earlier than usual.

Emily was sleeping during the conversation, as she always was before brunch. But Ali decided to confide in her, voicing out her worries over her sister to her best friend. Unsurprisingly, Em understood and convinced her to go home, as planned, to tend to her sister's needs.

It made Ali realize a few things about dating Emily. One, dating her best friend comes with a wonderful package of infinite understanding and assurance on all things  _except_  on the topic of said best friend. Officially erasing the lines of friendship and love between them, Ali unwittingly lost a confidant for all her secret heartaches and worries on everything about the love of her life.

Nodding dejectedly, Ali laces their fingers and shifts to her side to look at Emily's face, _"Promise me you'll call when you're having a bad day?"_

" _I'll call you every day, babe. Bad day or not."_ Emily grins cheekily.

" _I mean when you want to drink, just ring me instead, okay? I'll pick up every time, I promise."_ She locks eyes with Emily as she feels her stiffen. It takes a few seconds more before Emily gives her a firm nod and an affectionate kiss on the top of her head.

" _I'll call."_

They can clearly see the port now. But Emily still keeps her in her arms in comforting silence while Ali traces letters at the back of Emily's hand.

 _Je t'aime. Prends bien soin de toi._ I love you. Take good care of yourself, the words would read, if Emily would notice.

* * *

**There's a Ghost - Fleurie**

There's a heartbeat under my floorboards

Charging me guilty and I don't know what for

There's a black bird over my door singing nevermore

Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, if you are a visual person like me, you have to check Bahia Belle. It's a beauty. I think Ali would like it. Also, I'm not a San Diego native. Sorry for any mistake on my research. So, did you like the date? As you can tell, I'm addicted to Alison's love for French.
> 
> Second, thanks for the kudos! 
> 
> Finally, I'm sorry it took me a month to post this. It is seriously hellish to write.
> 
> I have all these ideas in my head and I want to narrate it clear, without rushing. So I read on creative writing tips which made it that much harder to formulate. (I recently learnt it's a no-no to switch POVs in one scene. And I have to show-and-not-tell the characters' emotions. Tricky. Lol).
> 
> That said, I'd appreciate comments, especially literary ones, on this chapter and the succeeding ones. As to length, as to pace? Is Emily's depression and alcohol abuse dragging? Am I equally presenting Alison's issues? Are the scenes cheesy?
> 
> I honestly want a lot of scenes for this chapter. After all, I previously said I was gunning for Charlison and Spemily moments, and maybe Aria/Alison one too. But I thought this is a good place to cut.
> 
> Now I realize it's hard to include all the scenes we want. So I'm really sorry if I cannot deliver on all the up-next things I said. I'll try though.
> 
> I'll do my best to update soon. But the scenes in this chapter and the next one are painful to write. Not to mention very important to me. Everything starting from the last chapter are really crucial to the ending. (hint, hint). 
> 
> Oh I chose another Fleurie song. Heck yeah. Her poetry's good, you have to check it. The next chapter was inspired by this chapter's song too (hint again!) but can also fit with another Fleurie song I think. Before I spill, I got to run soooo until next time!
> 
> Comments are so much welcome!


	14. Moon River- Em's Floating Year Part 04

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

**Moon River**

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 04)**

Moon river, wider than a mile  
I'm crossing you in style some day  
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker  
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way

* * *

**(Two Weeks After – Emily's POV)**

Emily may have been able to salvage temporarily forgetting Alison's last day in the city. But that's only because Ali was there to remind her. With her girlfriend gone, things go back to normal.

She downs bomb shots. Chugs cold beers. And takes her hard liquor neat. She stops being picky. Stops drinking coffee after. Stops pretending to be sober. Starts buying more. Starts caring less. Of how she looks. Of her company. Of what she eats. Where she drinks. When she drinks. As long as she gets her fix.

It's similar to Emily circa late 2015 just a month after her father's death. Only this time it's harder to shut the voices in her head, growing in volume and in number each passing day, so much so that she wants to thank the occasional black-outs, giving her reprieve from everything. Except it's a motherfucker that paralyzes her the day after. Missing her swimming lessons, bar shifts or already rare go-sees.

The bottles pile up and so do the free fuck-ups in each cap. But Emily doesn't stop. She doesn't even want to try. Whatever for? Everything's going swell.

Fred lets her cover double shifts to make up for missing some. Her students don't mind playing hooky for a day or two when their instructor was a hard ass on the pool anyway. The potentially missed bookings, on the other hand? Well, those were unrecoverable losses, or more correctly slim-to-none chances that she's not delusional enough to bank on.

And Ali? Ali's none-the-wiser, getting calls every early evening when Emily's less hangover and looking sober, drunk in love and nothing else. So far. So good.

* * *

  **(Alison's POV)**

Alison takes in the sight of the inviting red-brick Victorian townhouse in front of her and smiles softly for what it has in store. She enters a narrow hallway and gets hit by the sweet smell of old musty books, rows and rows of books filling every shelf, nook and cranny of the  _House of Our Own_ , one of her favorite hunts in Philly during her years in Hollis.

She wanders around, randomly picking up items on the floor and the shelves, She silently reads the covers, and, if intrigued enough, the first chapters too. Once in awhile, when she sees a well-worn copy, she'd pick it up in hopes of finding interesting dedications from the authors or some brief notes the previous owners jotted down - uncovering fond secrets of strangers daring enough to mark it down - short thoughtful stories in themselves.

Spotting an old favorite, Alison picks  _Lolita_ up and soon gets lost in the world and words of the dark twisted Humbert Humbert.

" _Interesting choice, Ms. DiLaurentis."_ Alison stiffens and turns around only to visibly exhale as she sees the intruder.

" _Dr. Rollins."_ She smiles politely and drops the book to her side, feeling caught red-handed for holding an arguably controversial book - the romanticized life of a pedophile and his nymphet. She fears that her sister's psychiatrist would consider her choice troubling, peg her as projecting herself towards the sexually-abused young girl, just like her friends thought she did.

She watches as Dr. Rollins' lips stretches to straight line. He steps forward right beside her and stares straight ahead, seemingly looking at the book titles before them. Without looking at Alison, he says evenly yet quietly enough just for the two of them to hear,  _"There's a little Humbert in all of us, don't you think?"_

The statement struck Alison. She didn't anticipate the good doctor to understand her choice, her fixation towards this book.  _Or maybe he doesn't. After all, they may have different interpretations,_  she figures and so Alison asks,  _"The pervert?"_  raising her eyebrows in feigned disbelief.

Dr. Rollins chuckles good-naturedly, his perfect teeth set in full display,  _"you must have misunderstood me, Ms. DiLaurentis. I meant Humbert the glorious bastard who justified all his actions with good intentions. He was aware of his perversion and yet claimed he did everything for love of a twelve year old, did he not?"_

Alison snorts lightly but nods nonetheless, impressed by the doctor's astute observations, similar to her own. Despite popular belief to the contrary, Ali never saw herself as the titular character, insipid as  _Lolita_  was.

Ali always sees it in the eyes of the self-centered obsessed delusional Humbert. She empathizes and harbors sympathy and oft-times awe for his troubled train of thoughts. It is a gift Ali has long discovered and cultivated – understanding characters' personalities, flaws and motivations - both fictional and real. And Humbert Humbert? He was a hero in his own eyes, just like Alison thought she was.

" _But I shouldn't have expected you to relate so well to the protagonist as you're the exact opposite with Charlotte. All good acts and intentions."_ Dr Rollins smiles warmly, his kind brown eyes boring into hers. Alison resists the urge to gulp guiltily and forces a smile at the supposed compliment until he thankfully breaks eye contact and resumes book browsing.

" _Ahh.. classic."_ He exclaims and smiles boyishly at Ali's snortle, noting his choice,  _Diaries of Wimpy Kid_. Sucking her lips in, Alison restrains herself from asking if he relates to this protagonist as well, and instead asks,  _"Are you checking that out?"_

Dr. Rollins nods and tilts his head downwards to Ali's copy of  _Lolita_.

" _Oh no, I have a copy at home."_ She pauses for a couple of seconds, gathering courage then asks,rather rambling,  _"Can I buy yours, doctor? I know I can consult you at Welby but since you're already here, I was thinking maybe we can sit down and talk about my sister? Don't worry though, I'll inform the hospital about this meeting so it can be included in our bills. And I understand if you have somewhere else to be. But I can really use your professional opinion right now."_

Alison begs, now seizing the unexpected opportunity to confide with the doctor over Charlotte's cold-shoulder treatment towards her. Ever since coming back from California, Ali has been visiting Charlotte almost everyday, but her sister refused to see her the first week. She even requested an individual weekly therapy session, aggravating Alison further.

On the second week, possibly seeing Ali's efforts, Charlotte has now slowly progressed to giving her short answers and half-hearted shrugs but still it isn't enough for Ali.

" _How about you buy me this book and a hot cup of joe, then we call it even?"_

" _Oh no, please. I'm willing to pay. I really can't rob you of your time. I'm sure you're busy."_ Alison reasons, trying to maintain the semblance of professionalism between them. She feels guilty springing this impromptu work request to Dr. Rollins, surmising he's here at the bookstore to unwind from strenous work in a mental-health institution, just like she originally planned.

She visited the  _House of Our Own_ in hopes of getting lost in a fictional world and briefly escape her duties to her mentally-fragile sister and calm her anxiety over her long-distance girlfriend. But now that Charlotte's other keeper is here, she supposes it is the perfect time to get to the bottom of at least one problem.

" _If you insist. But why don't you look around and grab a book too? I won't start clocking in 'til we're having coffee."_ Dr. Rollins grins and sweeps his hand gesturing to the piles of books.

Alison politely smiles back, feeling awkward at the inkling that her sister's therapist is flirting. But she quickly dismisses the notion, and steps a shelf away to find a relatively innocuous title to purchase

Dr. Rollins and Alison take opposite seats at a booth in a café nearby. She nervously brushes the friendship bracelet on her wrist, tracing her girlfriend's name as she watches the doctor drop obnoxious amount of sugar in his coffee.

Ever since Emily entrusted the bracelet to her, Ali had kept it safe in her prized music box, for fear of accidentally losing it. But with her recent visit to California and her daily conversations thereafter with an uncharacteristically upbeat Emily, Ali finds herself wearing it more often, needing a physical reminder of Emily to comfort her.

" _Emily. She's your friend, right? The one you visited in California? Charlotte mentioned her."_ Dr. Rollins asks and sips his coffee. Despite her nerves, Alison smiles at the question and shakes her head.

" _Yeah. She's my girlfriend actually,"_ she clarifies, instantly feeling light-hearted at the thought of Emily, the only person who made her feel safe. It quelled Ali's nerves somewhat as she consciously rests a hand on her bracelet-clad wrist while Dr. Rollins hums in response and leans back on his seat.

After a beat, Ali takes a sip of her own tea, gathering her thoughts, and speaks,  _"Dr. Rollins, about that. I'm sure you've noticed that… well, Charlotte has been distant since I came back from California. I tried to talk to her but she's not opening up."_

" _And you want to know why, I presume?"_

" _Yes but I have an idea. She closed off since I mentioned extending my visit. Emily and I, we talked about it, we thought Charlotte missed me. So I came back as promised. I thought she'd be glad to see me but for some reason, she's still mad at me. but I can't fix it if she doesn't talk. I just… I don't know what to do."_ She rambles and once more encircles her fingers around her wrist.

" _Ms. DiLaurentis, relax. You're doing fine."_

Alison perks up at the positive response. Still confused, however, her eyebrows knit in question.

" _You did the right thing when you came back home and visited her daily. You're right, Charlotte missed you. But you must understand how your sister thinks. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality, right?"_

" _Yes, among others."_

" _Well, one of a Borderline's traits is irrational fear of abandonment. Mr. and Mrs. DiLaurentis left her in Radley at a young age and she may have – "_

" _I'm not abandoning my sister. She's my first priority and – "_

" _No one's accusing you are, Alison. Can I call you, Alison?"_ Dr. Rollins smiles at Alison's  _"yes,"_ before he proceeds to explain.

" _You must understand. Your parents left her at Radley and while I have no doubts your mother loved Charlotte, she still followed your father's decision to keep her locked up. She let Charlotte transition from Charles to hide her from your father. To Charlotte, Jessica always prioritized Kenneth and…"_

" _She's scared that I'm prioritizing Emily over her? That I'm abandoning her…"_

" _Yes."_ Dr. Rollins speaks calmly, his eyes never leaving Ali's while she lets out a quiet,  _"oh"_ and stares past Dr. Rollins' shoulder as leaden weight falls on her stomach.  _Guilt._

Alison recalls the past weeks of fruitless visits to her sister; how her frustration was reaching her boiling point at Charlotte's blasé answers. Truthfully, her impatient desire to be on good terms with Charlotte again was only partly due to missing her sister, and their light banters and innocent gossips.

But mostly she wanted to be okay on the Charlotte front just so she can get back to California and help Emily with whatever she's dealing with it. Clearly, Charlotte still needs her more.

" _What can I do?"_ She asks softly, her focus back at the doctor.

" _Like I said, you're doing fine. Visiting her daily helps a lot. She's likely ignoring you to protect herself from you leaving. I think you should talk it out. So how about I schedule a family therapy this weekend so we can clear this out?"_

" _Yeah, that would be nice."_ Alison nods as she lifts her cup and takes another sip.

" _It just takes time, Alison."_ Dr. Rollins smiles assuredly and taps his fingers on the table.  _Time, I don't have,_  Alison muses as her thoughts trail back to Emily.

She's under no illusion that Emily's doing fine in San Diego. During their video-chats, Alison always noticed Emily's pallid skin and tired eyes. She voiced her concern once or twice but Emily was quick to dismiss it as merely an effect of working at night, and nothing more.

And unlike before, Emily no longer lets the silence fill their calls, no matter how comfortable it used to be. Instead, she'd randomly talk about work, or ask Ali inane questions about her day, filling gaps with mindless chatter, atypical of old Emily.

* * *

  **(Flashback – High School Freshmen Year)**

" _Em, we're here."_ Alison says, causing Emily to stop paddling. She steadies the oars on each side of the Hastings' rowboat and looks around.

" _In the middle of the lake?"_ Emily asks and gulps in trepidation. It makes Alison smirk.  _Serves you right for following me,_  Ali thinks.

" _I told you I'm going nowhere."_ She chuckles with a teasing glint in her eyes and breathes in the smell of freshwater fish and woodsy and earthy smell of the forest surrounding the lake.

It's the girls' spring break. And Spencer invited them to stay at their lakehouse for a few days. And in her typical fashion, Ali snuck out on the first night, needing some alone time to ruminate over the dear and deadly secrets she holds close.

Well, she tried to but Emily must have sensed her absence as she slept beside her like every other sleepover. Ali was already at the door when a sleep-addled Emily called her out and demanded to know where she's going.

Fearing Emily's whining  _"Ali…"_ and her own sharp hisses of  _"go back to sleep"_ would wake someone else up, Alison begrudgingly allowed Emily to follow her to the short pier. And now, here they are sitting on a small white rowboat, facing each other.

The lake's still and quiet, save for the occasional chirping crickets and gush of whistling wind. It would have been eerie, were it not for the full moon that illuminate their faces.

And in Emily's eyes, Ali can easily detect the unease, surreptitiously scanning their surroundings, avoiding her eyes.  _Poor Em,_ Ali chuckles inwardly. Taking pity on her friend, she reaches for the oars.

" _Come on, scaredy-cat. I'll take you to the dock. Promise I'll be back when you wake up."_ She teases and starts rowing but stops as Emily abruptly grabs the handles, pulling them back up to their resting spot.

Emily shakes her head subtly and holds her curious gaze; her next words spoken in quiet resolved, a manner only she can muster,  _"I'll stay with you."_

The declaration and Em's quick emotional turnaround make Ali arch an eyebrow. She grins pleased, surmising that her best friend's protective button must have been switched on at her suggestion of being left alone. She gives Emily a knowing smile and soon her mouth twitches as she witnesses a faint blush blossoming on Em's cheeks.

" _I like it here. It's nice."_ Em adds belatedly, eliciting a wistful smile from Ali. Whatever original plans she had for the night pales in comparison to this entertaining cat-and-mouse game with her  _favorite_  best friend.

It's kind of silly how easy she can make Em putty in her hands. Ali would have found it laughable, weren't it for the warm fluttering sensation twisting her insides too.

And the butterflies intensify as Emily holds her gaze, the moonlight shining on her face in perfect detail from her kind brown eyes, straight nose, sincere smile, and sharp jawline. She gulps inaudibly and turns her head to the side, quelling her emotions, Ali does what she does best when it comes to her favorite best friend -  _deflect._

" _Em…"_

" _Hmm?"_

" _Aren't you going to ask me why I wanted to go here?"_ She mumbles.

" _Do you want me to?"_ Emily looks at her puzzled.

Her mouth parts slightly at Em's unforeseen reply. Too taken back to form a coherent response, Ali shrugs.

" _You can tell me if you want,"_ Emily says with a kind smile. 

" _If I don't? Aren't you dying to know what I'm thinking of? Or maybe who I'm thinking of?"_ Ali tilts her head sideways, and teases back. Her lips curl into a devious smirk, masking her true emotions.

Emily rolls her eyes good-naturedly and shakes her head, making it clear that she wouldn't take Ali's bait.

As always, her mermaid skirts around the question. When Ali plays cat-and-mouse, Em plays chicken. She always yields and steers the topic back to safe waters, saving them both from the fallout of Alison's selfish ploys.

But those games are played in front of an audience. Tonight, when it's just the two of them, Ali lets her mask slip.

" _I wanted to be alone."_ She admits, still vague as can be.

" _Oh, sorry. I should - "_

" _Hey, that's not it. What I mean is that I can be alone, when I'm with you."_ Ali flusters upon seeing Emily's frown deepening at her confusing answer.

Eyes cast down, Ali whispers, _"nothing, I just… when I'm alone, I can be myself,"_ and lets Emily fill in the rest as Ali waits for her reply.

But Emily doesn't say anything at all. She simply nods and smiles back gently - her silence to Ali's confession accentuating the ease and depth of their special friendship. There was nothing more intimate to Alison than simply being understood. 

* * *

  **(Present)**

Before, Emily didn't need to say,  _"I love you"_  to make Alison feel it. Her presence spoke volumes in itself. Now, Em cuts every phone call with a hurried  _I love you,_ right after claiming she needed to get ready for work. And yet Em keeps calling her just before she leaves for the club, as if scheduling her talks with Alison to a bare minimum.

The disparity between what Ali hears, and what she sees troubles her to no small extent. It makes her itch to catch a red-eye every time Em hangs up. If only Charlotte's better, more open and trusting to her only family, Alison would be in California in a heartbeat.  _If only._

" _Your girlfriend, why don't you invite her for this session? We can video-call her?"_ Dr. Rollins' suggestion breaks Alison from her reverie.

" _I.. She's not. I don't think she'd want to. She was one of Charlotte's dolls."_ Alison cringes at her own words.

" _All the more reason, Alison. If your relationship's serious, it would be better if Emily gets involved with Charlotte's therapy now. You can't keep your family life and your relationship separate. It has to start somewhere. I believe it may be good for Emily too."_

Alison nods, there is a ring of truth in the doctor's words but she has qualms on this forthcoming session. She wrings her hands as she explains,  _"They've talked in person last June for my graduation. I think it went well. Em was okay. But after we separated ways with Charlotte, she said she was just compartmentalizing. So I'm not sure if it's a good idea to let her be at the therapy. Emily's having some issues, it might trigger old memories."_

" _I can steer topics away from Charlotte's time as A, if it helps. We just need to assure Charlotte that you're not abandoning her for Emily. Emily's presence may convince her."_ Dr. Rollins presses.

 _But what would it do to Emily?_ Alison muses to herself and sighs, resolving to ask her girlfriend first,  _"Yeah, I guess, you're right. But please don't tell this to Charlotte yet, I don't want her to get her hopes up, in case Emily can't."_

Dr. Rollins smiles and reaches over to pat her hand,  _"Sometimes people can surprise you."_

Alison smiles ruefully whilst her mind's already planning how to ask Emily, unable to predict anything past asking. Em's big heart would probably say yes but her stubborn traumatised head would say no. It's 50-50 when it comes to her mermaid. But Alison herself doesn't even know what answer she wants to hear.

If Emily says no, she would be disappointed but that's to be expected. If Emily says yes, on the other hand, and join their therapy session (aka trip to memory lane or virtual visit to the tower of terror), her girlfriend may understand Charlotte more. And hopefully she'd gradually accept Charlotte in due time.

 _But the most likely possibility_ , the session may prompt Em's nightmares and panic attacks again. Everything can snowball from there. Emily would resort back to alcohol to drown her problems away. Who knows what else she'd take? And the worst part, she's too far away to stop Emily from crashing.

* * *

  **(Emily's POV)**

_CRASH!_

" _Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"_ Emily exclaims as she crouches down to pick up the shards from the broken bottle with her shaky hands. Few seconds after, she notices a dustpan and broom in front of her and looks up to see Vic, one of her co-workers, offering her a reassuring smile,  _"Hey, it's okay_. _Just step away, I'd get it."_

Frazzled, Emily steps backwards only to once more hear the sounds of shattering glass. She freezes on the spot, hands still clenched on her side, hoping that her lack of movement would prevent another disaster.

Before she can turn around, she hears her boss, groaning,  _"No, no, not again!"_ From her periphery, she can see Fred gesturing wildly with one hand, and soon entangles his fingers on his curly brown hair, short of pulling the strands.

" _What's up with you, Em?!"_

" _N-nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just going to…"_ She mumbles and but before she can crouch down again, she feels Fred's fingers encircle her elbows, urging her stand. It takes only one look from her boss.

" _Fuck, you're drunk. Unbelievable. This is the third time, Em. No more. You're fired."_ Fred speaks in a lower voice to avoid drawing attention as more customers line up.

" _Go!"_

" _But-"_

" _I'll get someone to deliver your paycheck. Just leave."_

Emily bows her down and shrinks in embarrassment as some of the staff and regulars nearby look at her pity. She mumbles a quick,  _"I'm sorry"_ before she rushes out of the counter and towards the exit, head still muddled from the alcohol.

She brisk walks back to her place, sniffling on the way, sensing all eyes are upon her, judging her, accusing her, watching every step, waiting for her to fall, expecting her to break. It only takes the sight of one black-hooded figure before she breaks into a run at the corner of her apartment building. She slams, locks and bolts the door shut. And in the darkness of her small space, Emily finally breaks.

* * *

 The next day, Emily wakes up to the sound of her phone's incessant ringing. She slowly stretches from her curled-up position on the couch and pats her pockets for it.

"' _lo?"_

" _Oh sorry, baby, did I wake you?"_

" _No, it's okay. What's up?"_ Emily asks as she drags herself to the bed. Stretching her sore body on the mattress, she checks her bedside clock for the time.  _Almost noon._  Still enough time to attend her only work. She mumbles a silent,  _"thank God,"_ for Ali's phone call. Otherwise, she'd oversleep and probably lose her only job as memories of last night flash in her head. She shakes her head and sighs.

" _Em, are you listening?"_

" _Sorry, can you say it again? I zoned out."_

" _I said, are you sick? Your voice's scratchy."_

" _No, I'm okay. Just allergies, I think. I served at the smoking lounge last night, we're short-staffed."_ She lies and coughs for emphasis.

" _Em, you should have told your boss…"_

" _It's not that bad."_ Emily interrupts before Alison starts scolding her like a helicopter mom. She already has one; she didn't need her girlfriend to join Pam's hover-over-Emmy exclusive club.

" _Okay, if you say so."_ Alison relents and lets silence fill their conversation.

Emily used to be unbothered by those wordless gaps, knowing Ali had a million thoughts racing in her head. As Ali's sounding board, she patiently waited for her best friend until she's ready to say whatever's ailing her.

But now the extended pauses rattle her. She worries that Ali would construe her silence as something else, would jump into conclusions that she's unwell or worse, numbingly inebriated to carry on the conversation.

And so, she speaks up at once,  _"I promise I'm okay, babe. So what's up?"_

Alison soon informs her of her spur-of-the-moment consultation with Charlotte's therapist. The update took less than three minutes, three short minutes before Emily gets another speeding curveball.

" _Dr. Rollins suggested that I invite you to attend Charlotte's therapy tomorrow. We can FaceTime or Skype for an hour? Dr. Rollins said you don't have to say anything, just be there for her. Listen to her"_

Ali voices out her request loud and clear but Emily's quite slow on the up-take, and so she repeats,  _"You want me to be at your family therapy? With Charlotte? Your sister?" With A?_ She would have added, instead Emily bites her lip hard enough to bleed.

" _Please, Em. Dr. Rollins said it might help Charlotte cope and trusts us more, if you'd be there. And I mentioned about your trauma, he thinks it might help, if you can understand her better. It's fine if you can't. But I thought I should let you know, let you decide if you're ready."_

 _Am I ready?_ Emily mulls over, chewing her lips as her girlfriend patiently waits on the phone. She recalls her last meeting with Charlotte on Ali's graduation, just a few months ago. It wasn't that bad, pleasant even. Sure, it was a happy occasion, when everyone can ignore the sinister things Charlotte put her and her friends through. The fact remains that Emily survived the encounter, without a panic attack at all.

But there's a prime difference between that night and this coming weekend. Charlotte was CeCe in Emily's tricked mind that night; this time, Ali's asking her to meet Charlotte in her true (possibly vulnerable volatile) form, to listen to her twisted tales once more.

She's not sure if she's ready to do it, if she would ever be. All she knows is that this is the second time Ali asked. The first time, she declined and  _they_  grew apart. It was two years of phone-tagging and awkward talks, two years of missing and yet jerking Alison around. Em, in her constant losing state, can't take another fallout with the girl of her dreams even when said girl now comes with an inseparable package - that is her worst nightmare.

And in less than a minute of quiet musing, Emily breathes,  _"okay."_

" _Okay, as in you'd be there?"_ Ali asks tentatively but Em can still detect the hope in her girlfriend's voice. She sighs softly and nods even if Ali can't see her.

" _Yeah. I'd be there, Ali. She's your family. I want to be there for her, for you."_ Emily replies firmly.

" _Thanks, Em. You don't know how much this means to me."_ Ali hums wistfully.

 _I think I do,_ Emily bites back the words, and instead asks,  _"Hey, babe, can you text me the details? I have to go get ready for work now. Sorry."_

" _Oh, okay. Can we talk again later?"_

" _I'm not sure, baby. It's Friday. You know how the club is on Fridays."_ Emily rolls her eyes as another lie escapes her lips.

" _Call me when you get home? I'll wait."_ Em sighs at Ali's begging tone.

" _I'll try…"_ Emily begins,  _"but you don't have to wait, Ali. We have to wake up early for Charlotte tomorrow. I'll call you and hour before session starts, deal?"_

" _Deal. Love you."_

" _You too."_ Emily mumbles back, trying to muster affection but all she feels is apathy before she resignedly ends the call.

* * *

  **(Friday Night)**

Party-starters and nightcaps. Liquid courage and sleeping draught. Feel-good shots and numb-inducing drafts. A stimulant and a depressant. Emily loves alcohol for its versatility when it comes to satisfying her needs. To date, it hasn't failed her yet.

And so, there she is, sitting on her couch listlessly watching TV as she takes another swig of her spiced rum, on the night before the therapy session – the one she agreed to attend in  _support of A_.

 _Just another fucked-up thing Alison makes you do,_ her intoxicated mind taunts, scolding her. Emily grips the glass tighter, willing the mocking voice to stop. But the more she tries to block it out, the louder the voices go.

" _You really_ _ **are**_ _the weakest link."_ Mona's patronizing voice surges in.

" _I must be honest with you, Emily. Your rotator cuff tendon has already retracted. Rehab can only do so much…"_ Wren Kingston's voice comes next, compassionate yet grim, " _There's little chance your shoulder will heal fully."_

" _I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Fields."_ Her college professor says somberly after delivering the gut-wrenching news.

" _For failing to satisfy your academic commitments, we regret to inform you that your scholarship has been cancelled…"_ Pepperdine's letter read.

" _That's what you do, isn't it Emily?! You quit things. When things gets tough for you, you just throw in the towel."_ Spencer's caustic remarks come through.

" _Fuck, you're drunk. Unbelievable. No more. You're fired."_ Fred's disappointment rings in.

" _You have PTSD, Em. Have you forgotten?!"_ Alison deliriously throws at her.

_BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!_

" _Bonjour. Good morning. Buenos Dias. Please enter and follow the lighted pathway."_

" _Who deserves water today, you or somebody else? You decide."_

The screams pierce her ears. Her best friends'. Her mom's. Alison's. The voices don't stop, a seamless playlist on repeat, designed to push Emily back down, again and again.

" _Please don't. Please stop. Please."_ Emily chokes, sobbing uncontrollably, the glass in her shaking hand falls and breaks. The noise snaps her back to reality, heart pounding as she watches the rum stain the floor.

She grabs the bottle of alcohol beside her and lifts it to her lips. She gulps it down. Until the voices are no more.

* * *

  **(Alison's POV)**

" _Quit pacing. You're making me dizzy."_ Charlotte grouches from her perch on a cozy nook in Welby's recreation room. Alison stands, huffing loudly to hide her embarrassment whilst her sister smirks at her.

" _Em's not answering."_

" _So? It's still early in California."_ Charlotte shrugs and tosses the magazine in the nearby couch. She pats the space beside her. Ali takes the spot and tries not to squirm as Charlotte watches her quizzically for a second, then asks,  _"Want to tell mama, what's going on?"_

Her sister's playful tone makes Ali raise her eyebrows in surprise. Charlotte's resentment towards her seems to be water under the bridge now. She has a feeling that her sister's good spirits is largely due to her announcement of Emily's virtual attendance in their family therapy later.

But without any word from girlfriend, Ali's scared that Emily will bail on them. And judging from Charlotte's current disposition, Ali's doubly scared of its repercussions to the girl beside her.

So after a beat, Ali asks carefully,  _"C, if Emily can't skype us later, what will happen?"_

" _Why? You said she said yes."_

" _She did. I promise, she did. I'm just asking, what if she can't?"_

" _That's not like, Americano, Ali. She keeps her promises to you."_ Charlotte teases and smiles at her conspiratorially. Ali gives her a timid smile and nods, wishing she can be as optimistic.

" _But if she stood us up, I can always put her in a box and deliver her right at your doorstep. Free of charge."_ Charlotte adds, eyes full of mirth. It falls flat on Alison's ears.

" _I'm kidding! Stop scowling!"_ Charlotte chides and throws her a lopsided smile before she picks up another magazine from the pile Alison brought, _"Besides, been there, done that, sis. You know I don't like repeat performances."_

Now sick and tired of her sister's jokes, Alison grouches,  _"I'm serious. don't want you to be disappointed if Emily bails out."_

But Charlotte just scoffs at her,  _"Looks like I'm not the one going to be disappointed."_

Ali's mouth hangs slightly open as her sister hits a nerve. She nods stiffly at the accusation and takes a deep breath,  _"Just in case Emily can't, you won't take it against her, will you?"_

" _Hmm… like what, threaten her with bodily harm?"_ Charlotte deadpans.

" _Charlotte, please be serious…"_ Ali starts exasperated.

" _I am, Ali. You're acting like I'm going to don a black hoodie and fly to California, wielding a knife at your girlfriend just because she stood_ _ **you**_ _up. Give me some credit, will you?"_ She asks cynically.

" _Just last month you were icing me out,"_  Alison points out.

" _Ugh, that's last month. Last month, you're out-of-state skyping me beside your fake-sleeping girlfriend."_

" _She's not faking it."_

" _Please… Emily's lying sideways half the time. She only does that when she's half-asleep or couldn't sleep at all."_

" _How can you be sure?"_

" _Are you really asking me that, Ali? Whatever. Point is, just last month Emily wouldn't acknowledge my existence. But today, she's going to see me. Isn't that what you always wanted? For your dear sister and your girlfriend to get along?"_

" _But what if she can't? Why is it so important for Emily to acknowledge you?"_ Alison counters, recalling her conversation with Dr. Rollins.

" _I told you, it's Emily. If she said yes to you, she's going to be here. I'm sure of that. How else do you think "A" was able to make her do her bidding? And even if she doesn't, she must have a good reason. At the very least, she's warming up to the idea of interacting with me. And judging her track record, we'd be besties in no time. Or you know something more. But don't worry Ali, sisters before lovers, right?"_

Alison rolls her eyes as Charlotte wiggles her eyebrows. She continues before Alison can say a word edge-wise, _"now, how long did it take for you to convince Jason to visit me? A year and a half? To think, the worst thing I did to him was trap him in an elevator."_

Alison snorts derisively at the understatement but everything else Charlotte said made sense. It's relieving to hear her sister talk about her girlfriend in a positive light. To think, their therapist made it appear that her relationship with Emily may drive a wedge between her and Charlotte.

But to be safe, Ali promises,  _"But even if she can't, you know I'll never leave you, right?"_

Charlotte smiles at her serenely and pats her cheek,  _"I know. You're already so much better than Mom."_

" _Dr. Rollins warned me that your memories with Dad and Mom leaving you at Radley would trigger you."_

" _Please! He doesn't know everything. Anyway, I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm not mad. Just sad Emily was ignoring me. Sorry, I took it out on you."_

" _Me too, she just has a lot on her plate right now. I'll talk to her."_ Ali chews on her lip. She smiles as Charlotte cups her hands.

" _We'll talk to her."_

* * *

 " _Call me as soon as you get this."_ Alison says tersely before she ends her voice mail to Emily while Charlotte looks back at her, her facial expression neutral. Ali sighs dejected. Charlotte truly can pass as her twin if not for their nearly identical looks at least for their identical default masks and reactions. And a blank neutral DiLaurentis' face means everything but fine.

" _Maybe we should reschedule."_ Charlotte suggests then, her tone consoling, it makes Alison want to bark out a short sarcastic laugh.

 _Charlotte's right,_  she's the one who was going to be disappointed. At the same time,  _Charlotte's wrong;_  Emily broke her promise. She can't believe Emily did. She could have declined, instead of giving everyone in this room false hope, especially Alison. She's going to have a word Emily, well, as soon as Em picks up.

Ali sighs wearily as Dr. Rollins,  _"we can carry on and set-up another appointment with Emily? We already missed last week with Alison."_

Nodding, Ali shuts her phone off. She holds her sister's hand and leads them to the swivel chairs. Dr. Rollins closes his laptop and looks at the DiLaurentis' siblings.

" _Shall we start?"_

* * *

 It's nearing midnight when Alison wakes up from her nap. After an emotionally exhausting therapy with Charlotte, talking about their parents, Ali easily swayed Dr. Rollins to give Charlotte a day-pass out of Welby. The girls spent the rest of the day shopping and dining in Philly, reburying their troubled family history until dusk set, signaling the time for Charlotte to go back to the Psychiatric Center. Thoughts of today's turn-out make Alison smile. She's comforted knowing that everything's good with her sister again, even despite her girlfriend's lack of support.

Now thinking of Emily, Ali checks her phone wondering if her girlfriend would have the nerve to check up on her. Ali, however, finds her phone's still off since shutting it this morning. She switches it on and instantly gets blasted with multitude of text messages and voice mails.

**Hanna**

SOS! 12:43 PM

Where are you? Call back when you get this 12:45 PM

Stella called. Emily's in the hospital 12:47 PM

Anderson Medical. Alcohol Poisoning 12:58 PM

Answer the damn phone 1:00 PM.

No news yet. 1:12 PM

" _Alcohol poisoning? God, Em. No news of what?"_ Alison cries out. Her hand shakes as she scrolls through Aria's texts next.

**Aria**

Ali, where are you? Emily's friend saw her unconscious at her place. She's in the hospital now. No news yet. 1:23 PM

Tried calling Mrs. Fields, she isn't answering either. 1:40 PM

Called my mom. Mrs. Fields is out of the country. Spencer's still trying to reaching her 1:58 PM

Spencer called. She's okay. 2:39 PM

Ali exhales loudly as she sees Aria's last text. That was four hours ago. She gulps as she scans the voice mails and taps on the latest, hoping to hear a more detailed update. Spencer doesn't disappoint.

" _Hey, Ali. Em's stable now. They had to intubate her. But she should be awake soon. Mrs. Fields called the hospital already. I got appointed as family representative, so I should hear more from them. I'm at Reagan National now, just waiting for my flight. Will update you guys when I get there. Bye."_

" _She's okay."_ Ali whispers, still dazed, she moves in auto-pilot: booking a flight, locking up her house, with nothing but her purse, and driving en route to the airport too.

Now that she and her sister have reconciled, she can finally catch that much-wanted red-eye to where her mermaid is.

" _Hold on, Em. I'll be there._

* * *

 

**Moon River - Audrey Hepburn**

Two drifters, off to see the world  
There's such a lot of world to see  
We're after the same rainbow's end, waiting, round the bend  
My Huckleberry Friend, Moon River, and me

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The longest chapter so far, with 6000 words and yet it's a bleeding interlude. Lol. For some reason, I felt meh writing this so I hope you don't feel the same way reading it (especially with Dr. Rollins' appearance). The thing is the blow-outs are already in my head since August but I can't seem to deliver the scenes yet. Luckily, I am already half done with the next chapter and having fun writing from other POV's. One blow-out should be there already. (Ugh, why is this fic slow? Lol.) So here's to hoping I can post it real soon.
> 
> Anyway thank you so much for everyone's patience/encouragement with Em's arduous journey, especially Guest 13.01, the amazing dilaurentisdrake, and SincerelyYours27. 
> 
> Also thanks for pointing out Ali's emotional-perceptiveness FFnet's SincerelyYours27 and IzzyGranger, know that Dr. Rollins-Alison's scene is inspired by your reviews. 
> 
> On another note, I've been thinking about a Mulan-inspired Emison fic, or a Percy Jackson' Demigod Liars one. Thoughts?
> 
> Updated 11/04/2017 - I decided to name the Chapter Moon River. Lol.


	15. Hurts Like Hell-Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 05

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI to those who read this prior 11/05/2017: For clarity and vividness, I edited the parts starting from Aria's POVs. The edits include more details on Aria's thoughts on Emison, and Em's thoughts on everything. So if you have time, I suggest you reread starting from Aria's POV. (Also sorry for the mistakes on the previous version, I was too excited to post at 5 am my time, I didn't bother to proofread thoroughly. Sorry again).
> 
> Otherwise, carry on

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

**Hurts Like Hell**

Dreams fight with machines

Inside my head like adversaries

Come wrestle me free

Clean from the war

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 05)**

* * *

**(Spencer's POV – San Diego City)**

**Survival of the fittest** _._ If it were the medieval times, those words would probably be engraved in the Hastings' coat-of-arms. Emphasis on the word  **fittest** _,_ just a syllable longer than  **best**.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Charles Darwin who coined the phrase. It was an English philosopher - Herbert Spencer. No, Spencer's sure she wasn't named after him.  _Still_. She takes pride in sharing the name with the guy whose philosophy she lives by.

There's another important word in that phrase:  **survival** , the struggle to live and stay alive. An instinct shared by all living things. But, of course, every general rule has its exceptions. While many men move forward to safety and satisfaction, there are a select few who run to the opposite direction - to death and destruction.

Once her best friend fully regained consciousness, Spencer recognizes it in Emily's sunken eyes – the defeat and resignation over life, so jarringly different from the thirteen years old girl she first met. An urge to know her best friend's story boils inside her. She needs to know everything so they can fix whatever problem Emily's facing.

If Aria or Hanna were here, they'd cut Emily some slack. But tough love and bulldozing show of concern have always been her default moves. So right after she informed Emily how Stella found her passed-out, literally tinged blue in her apartment couch and how she rushed her to the hospital, Spencer begins her infamous third degree.

" _Why were you drinking? Are you an alcoholic now?"_ She fires at once. All she gets is silence from Emily's end.

Undeterred, she continues,  _"I got your blood results. Congratulations! You, Ms. Fields, have an alcoholic fatty liver. Keep it up and it will likely progress to cirrhosis. What are you - ?"_

Emily takes off her oxygen mask and cuts the interrogation, _"How did you get my med results?"_

" _Your mom called the hospital, appointed me as family representative."_

" _Great! Mom knows. She's not even listed as my next-of-kin. Where's Alison?"_

" _We cannot reach her."_

" _We?"_

" _As in Hanna, Aria, and I. Stella didn't know Alison's number so she called Hanna. Hanna sent an SOS to all of us. And since I work for my own mother, and therefore the only one "not officially" employed according to Han, I got voted to fly here and attend to your needs."_

" _You got the short stick then? Sucks for you."_ Emily mutters darkly. Spencer sighs, used to Emily's sarcasm, short-lived as they are. She patiently waits, familiar with Emily's defense mechanism like a kicked puppy that will nip and bark in retaliation, only to puppy dog eyes pout her way back in her friend's good graces. And the best part, she doesn't know she's doing it.

In a short span of time, Spencer's proven correct yet again.

" _Sorry, Spence. I'm glad you're here."_ Emily mumbles, making amends.

Spencer shakes her head, feeling bad for the other girl. She explains,  _"Hanna volunteered me before I can. She even said, 'I get to churn the butter, before she milks the cow.' I didn't bother asking what she meant.'_

Spencer smirks as Emily rolls her eyes, her go-to move for annoyance, fondness and pretty much everything else.

She takes a seat on the bedside, opposite the IV drip stand and asks once more, tone softer,  _"why were you drinking?"_

" _It's nothing._ " Emily dismisses then follows it up with another question, _"does my mom know about my blood results?"_

" _No. Not yet. Just that you passed-out because of the alcohol."_

" _Okay, good. Tell her I'm fine. She doesn't need to cut her vacation short. She hasn't been on in one in years. I don't want her to fly back here just because her daughter can't hold her liquor."_

" _Em…"_

" _Please, Spence."_

Spencer groans internally at her best friend's evasiveness. She gets it but it doesn't mean she'd gladly lie to her best friend's mother, someone who trusts her enough to handle her only child's welfare.

" _I'd do it but we're both going to explain to her. And only if you promise to tell me everything."_

" _You must really know everything, do you?"_ Emily jibes half-heartedly.

But Spencer puts on a straight face as she crosses her arms in a no-nonsense manner, daring Emily to fold.

And Emily did,  _"Fine, I promise."_ Spencer nods, glad that she didn't have to pull teeth to get the story from Emily.

Eager to get over her part of the deal, Spencer grabs her phone but then Emily speaks up again,  _"And Spence…"_

" _Yep?"_

" _After, will you check on Ali?"_

Spencer looks at her incredulously inquiring,  _"Why? She should be the one checking on you."_

" _I think she's mad at me."_

" _You think? Is this why you were drinking last night? You let a lovers' quarrel almost kill you?"_ Spencer then attacks, immediately jumping into conclusions.  _Coz, she swears to God, if this is about Alison, she'd –_

" _No. Please, Spence, just call my mom and Ali. I'll tell you later."_ Emily pleads, honest eyes shining with unshed tears.

Nodding, Spencer relents and glances back on her phone screen. But for a second, she lifts her eyes back at Emily and asserting,  _"Later, Em."_

Aria's right – Emily's the hardest one to disappoint.

Spencer gingerly straightens out Emily's clenched fingers. She watches her best friend toss and turn in her sleep, studying Emily as if the answers to the girl's problems will start popping if she stares long enough.

True to her word, Emily explained her ordeals the past year, starting from her father's death. If asked by their friends, and if Emily would so permit for her to spill, Spencer can easily summarize it like a science experiment: depression (the cause), alcohol (the means), and self-destruction (the desired end).

By God, out of all her friends, she didn't think Little Ms. Sunshine Emily Fields would fall into the same rabbit hole as her. But then again, Spencer always felt that she had a kindred spirit in Emily, similarly driven yet with different approach: headstrong and heart-strong.

Before Ali's disappearance, she and Ali usually took turns bemoaning their parents' latest expectations. Aria and Hanna sympathized but they couldn't relate. On the other hand, Emily would only off-handedly mumble,  _"My mom wouldn't like that."_

Traditional, uptight and conservative as Mrs. Fields used to be, her list of unacceptable things was long enough for Spencer to recognize that Emily shared the same narrow pedestal she and Alison were in - the pedestal of prim, proper and  _perfect_  girls.

But where Spencer and Alison clawed each other on their way to the top, Spencer learnt that Emily was actually playing a whole different ball game. And she would forever be grateful for Emily for teaching her the basic rules.

* * *

**(Flashback – Eight Grade)**

Spencer grins triumphantly as she spots a speck of blue peeking from a fist-sized hollow in the gnarliest tree of the school garden. The tree hole's only a foot higher than her reach but the fabric's further tucked inside, requiring her to climb up the tree. She scans the low branches before she climbs up slow and steady, all the while thinking of the bet Ian made with her and Alison.

Whoever finds a Rosewood Day flag would also get a private field hockey session with him. Naturally, Spencer's eager to get a one-on-one session with her coach _. To better her arm swings_ , or so she tells herself. Aside from that, gloating at Alison's loss is yet another incentive Spencer looks forward to.

She imagines Alison's murderous glare as she captures the flag, when a low branch snaps. Involuntarily, she lets her prize slip from her fingers, shrieking as she falls to the soft soil. Her ankle twists upon impact.

" _Help!"_

" _Spencer! Are you okay?"_

" _No, I think I broke something."_ She whimpers as Emily crouches down, takes off her shoe and touches her ankle lightly.

" _It's not. It's just a sprain. Do you have a hanky?"_ Emily fumbles in her pockets as Spencer glances upward to hold back the tears, only to see her prize within arm's reach from Emily.

" _Em, the flag."_

" _Oh right, good idea."_ Emily reaches for it and bends down to wrap it around her foot as Spencer looks at her pained yet mildly amused.

" _I meant get the flag for the prize, Em. Not as a makeshift bandage."_

" _What? Seriously?"_ Emily grins in disbelief and helps her up. She places Spencer's arm on her shoulder, and wraps an arm around her waist, supporting her as they meander back to school building, on the way to what Spencer guesses to be the clinic.

She hisses as her foot accidentally touches the ground. Still, Spencer urges,  _"Yeah, it's yours, Em. Think of the restaurant coupons, weren't you planning to surprise your dad with a dinner date when he gets home?"_

" _It's yours. Besides I wasn't the one who got her bones broken for capture the flag."_ Emily grins goofily back at her before she looks back down and warns,  _"Watch your step."_

Spencer blushes at Emily's light ribbing. She feels silly now for being extra competitive for a stupid blue flag just so she can spend a few hours with her crush (and future brother-in-law).

To hide her humiliation, Spencer side-eyes her best friend glaring as menacingly as she can before she elbows Emily gently,  _"You said it wasn't broken!"_

" _Yeah well, Dr. Fields is a quack."_ Emily pokes her tongue out childishly. Spencer can do nothing but laugh.

 _Who would have thought shy sweet Em could school a Hastings. Well, nice girls don't finish last; they're just way out of everyone's league,_ Spencer realizes.

* * *

**(Present)**

That was one of Spencer's fondest memories of Emily, when their group jock unknowingly taught her that  _winning isn't everything_. In return, Spencer unconsciously became more protective of her best friend, offering to fight Emily's battles for her and shielding her from all possible threats (and even romantic entanglements) just so she can preserve that innate goodness.

But Spencer didn't foresee this. How can she protect her best friend, when Emily's worst enemy at the moment is herself?

" _Em?"_

Spencer abruptly turns around to find a frazzled Alison, hair unkempt with bloodshot eyes. She holds her a finger up over her lips, shushing Ali, " _she's asleep."_

Alison tucks her lips, properly chastised. Tilting her towards Emily, she asks softly  _"can I?"_

" _Sure."_ Spencer side-steps. She moves and sits on the black leather bench at the far side of the room to give Ali some privacy as she checks on her sleeping girlfriend.

Spencer checks on her phone, doing her best to ignore the sounds of Alison's occasional hiccups and constant murmurs on Emily's sleeping form. Spencer's forehead creases, unable to fully grasp her best friends' relationship, not that she doubts Alison's love for Emily. She's just a little wary of Alison and with good reason, considering last night's turn-out.

Briefly, Spencer peers at the bed, seeing Ali press tender kisses on Emily's cheeks and lips. Feeling like a voyeur, she looks back down and browses through several rehabilitation centers near Rosewood and San Diego, when she notices Ali's shadow.

" _How is she?"_ Ali inquires quietly as she sits beside her.

" _She's okay for now. Her BAC's back to zero. No permanent damage but she's diagnosed with fatty liver. Should be reversible with controlled diet."_ Spencer recites and hastily asks, _"Where have you been?"_

" _Sorry. My phone was off the entire day. I only saw your messages late in the night and I caught a plane right after."_

" _You could have texted on your way here, Em was worried about you."_ Spencer scolds. Truthfully, she isn't mad that Alison cannot be reached at Emily's time of need. That's simply the icing on the cake.

" _I wasn't thinking. Wait, she woke up?"_ Ali perks up at the news, it makes Spencer puff in aggravation. Unable to hold in her resentment any longer, she acerbically remarks,  _"yeah, a couple of hours ago. She asked me to check on you. Thought you were mad at her for accidentally bailing out on you and Charlotte. So, are you?"_

" _No, I'm not. Of course not."_ Alison scoffs in denial, starting to get irked at Spencer's implications.

" _Good, because that was really insensitive and selfish of you, Ali. Inviting Emily to see 'A' when you know exactly how she's doing."_

" _Charlotte's not 'A' anymore. That was years ago."_ Alison defends.

" _Really? That's your excuse?"_

" _Back off, Spencer. I told Emily she can say no if she's not ready."_

" _When's the last time she said no to you?! God, Alison, you know how Emily is."_ Spencer groans, agitated at Alison's incredulous ignorance of her sway over Emily.

Alison cocks her head. Her aggravation over Spencer's unwarranted attacks overflows as she arches her eyebrow,  _"what do you want me to say, Spencer? That it's my fault my girlfriend's lying on a hospital bed?"_

" _It's mine."_ Emily interrupts and sits up, eyes shifting between the two of them. It lingers on Spencer before she quietly requests,  _"Spence, can you give us a moment please. I need to talk to Ali."_

* * *

" _I figured I'd see you here."_

Spencer looks up from her third cup of coffee since arriving at San Diego. She plasters a bland smile and hums,  _"Well, some things haven't changed."_

Alison ignores her dig and walks towards the vending machines. She stops at the snack and candy bar one, and inserts some bills. She hurriedly stuffs her purchase inside her purse, the act intriguing Spencer.

She raises an eyebrow in question as Ali makes her way back in front of her with Ali's chin up and regal yet serene gaze. God, how she used to love and hated Alison for it – the faux confidence she never seemed to master.

" _What did you get?"_ She inquires.

" _Wouldn't you like to know?"_

" _I'm not in the mood for your games, Alison."_ She gripes and takes another sip of her coffee.  _Not strong enough_ , she inwardly complains.

Alison sighs audibly and shrugs,  _"Remember I used to make Hanna splash whiskey on your coffee during our sleepovers?"_

" _Yes and...?"_

" _You're too hyped-up all the time. I honestly thought I was helping you by knocking you to sleep. For quite some time, I was sure coffee had become your comfort drink but then I figured -"_

" _It's not."_ Spencer snorts, wondering why they're talking about her caffeine addiction out of the blue.

" _Yeah, I know now."_ Alison snorts and pauses. She shakes her head and continues, " _You drink to keep your mind up and running, so you can solve our problems. You never had a comfort food."_

" _I don't need one."_

" _Maybe. But I do know you like peanut butter on your toast. So…"_ Alison gives her a small smile and digs in her purse to show off a pack of Reese's, holding it like a prize. Smile growing marginally wider, Ali tears it open and slides beside her on the hospital waiting chairs. A chocolate peanut butter cup is placed on Spencer's hand.

And Spencer finally understands,  _her best friend's calling a truce. Some things truly didn't change. Alison still said sorry with little gifts instead of words._

Before, Spencer thought Alison's manner of apologizing was insincere, arrogant and cowardly. Now, looking back at everything she knows about her once-lost best friend, she confesses that the gesture's sweet and thoughtful in Alison's own little way. Spencer feels the tension in her body give way as she takes a bite of the chunky sweet goodness.

" _I'm sorry, Ali."_  She mumbles and startlingly gets a soft,  _"me too"_ from Alison.

" _Is Emily mad at me?"_

Alison's shakes her head in response, it makes Spencer sigh in relief as Alison's upper lip curl, eyes twinkling with amusement.

Spencer breathes more easily. The dark clouds in her head, formed by detested arguments with her closest friends, starts clearing. She realizes Alison deserves more than a mere sorry, so she starts explaining,  _"I'd be mad, if I were you. I was out of line."_

" _No. You weren't. If anything, I should be mad at myself."_

" _Alison, I didn't mean what I said. It was…"_

" _Would you ever forgive A?"_ Alison interjects. She stares back with her mouth agape. She cannot lie to her best friend but she does not have the heart to say the truth either. But Ali with her shifting scrutinizing eyes must have read her unspoken response anyway. Her best friend breaks eye contact and stares ahead at the white hospital walls.

" _I shouldn't have asked her,"_ Ali whispers so lowly, Spencer's not sure if Ali meant it to be heard.

 _Yeah, you shouldn't,_ she agrees, anyway but holds her tongue (barely manages to). There's something about Alison that still rubs her the wrong way. She’s socially allergic to Alison was Spencer’s diagnosis. Without question, she loves the other girl fiercely but she can never make peace with her egocentric decisions. They’re few and far between now yet the aftermaths no less disastrous.  _Case in point Emily._

 _But no, Ali's rhetorical question wasn't for her._ When it comes to protecting Emily, Spencer often hits the target but misses the point, even more so when her phalanx formation is used to ward off Alison. The one person Emily always let in. She sips from her cup until only the coffee dregs remain.

" _I don't know if I can forgive A. But I think Emily already did. It's just a matter of forgetting now. Just give her time, Ali. And maybe baby steps, first?"_

Alison nods and tiredly rests her head on her shoulder.

" _Spence..."_

" _Hmm…"_

" _Thanks for being here for us."_

" _Always."_

* * *

**(Hanna's POV – Two Days After, New York City)**

Hanna spins in her executive chair in front of her laptop, ignoring Skype's obnoxious ringtone as she waits for her best friends to accept her group video-call. After another round of checks-up and 48-hour monitoring, the hospital finally discharged Emily. And everyone's excited to virtually welcome her home (in her apartment in San Diego). They all tried to persuade her to come back to Rosewood, but Em can be stubborn as a mule. Speaking of –

" _Em!"_ She squeals as her most-wanted best friend's face shows up first, followed by Alison and Spencer on either side.

" _What's that you're eating?"_ She squints at the screen, trying to determine the contents of the spoon Emily's holding but an incoming call blocks her view. She taps the green button and smiles wider at Aria's face - her girl gang now complete.

" _Herb and mushroom casserole."_ Emily answers in between bites.

" _Eww, rabbit food?"_

" _Hey! We made that!"_ Spencer exclaims as Aria hums in support,  _"and I gave the recipe."_

" _Still rabbit food."_ She insists as Emily nods seriously, earning her a pinch from Alison.

" _She's eating rabbit food until her liver clears up."_ Ali scowls but her features soften as Emily subtly leans on her. The minute reactions unmissed by Hanna's hawk-eyes. She fleetingly smirks at her best friends' adorableness before she proceeds to serious business.

Since the majority of their group already knew, Emily gave Alison the go-ahead to inform Hanna and Aria of her current problems, trusting her girlfriend not to embellish it with paranoia as Spencer tends to do. The group-call happened while Emily slept, specifically timed at her request. Perhaps to save face, Hanna guessed.

Once she learnt everything, Hanna wanted to throttle and cuddle the shit out of Emily at the same time. But considering she's too far away to do both, she settled for listening to the  _Intense Duo_ and Aria throw ideas on the best way to help their broken best friend. Without a final decision made during their last talk, Hanna blurts her real concern, " _so what's the plan? Are you attending AA?"_

" _Yes."_

" _No."_

" _We haven't discussed that yet."_

Spencer, Emily and Alison say respectively as Hanna frowns in confusion while Aria adds,  _"I think you should, Em. It worked for Jason."_

" _I'm not an alcoholic."_ Emily swears.

Spencer scoffs mechanically,  _"your liver says otherwise._ "

Alison side-eyes Spencer, half irritated in behalf of Emily, but then rolls her eyes in what Hanna can wisely assume as tacit agreement.

" _Look, this isn't up for discussion. It's my life. My decision. I'm not attending AA. End of."_

Hanna's eyes quickly shift and gauge her best friends' reactions, all ready to retort at the obstinate refusal. So before anyone else did, she butts in,  _"you know what? Em's right."_

Spencer mouths back a  _"what"_ as Alison glares on screen. Both Aria and Emily look shocked at her announcement but she's not done yet.

" _It's her life. It's her decision. It's not like we're going to be affected if she gets drunk and drops dead again, right?"_

Emily's jaw clenched. Hanna can't predict if her best friend would burst in tears or in anger. The silence stretches long while Hanna momentarily wonders whether staring matches can be held in group calls with split-screens. She stares back at the built-in camera of her laptop, daring Emily.

" _Fine. You win, I'm going."_

Hanna finally blinks and mutters,  _"Good."_ She nods for emphasis as Alison rubs Emily's arm and Spencer smiles in thanks.

She takes no pleasure in using her rare Emily trump card. To Hanna's mind, A (both Mona and Charlotte) treated Em as weakest because she'd crack for somebody else's pain. But if Emily's on the verge of self-destruction, she would be damned not to use that trump card and exploit her best friend's so-called weakness, to lure her back to safe shores. More so when Hanna knows she's partly responsible for encouraging Emily to drink her problems away.

She smiles sadly as Emily puts her bowl away and avoids everyone's eyes, physical or virtual, slumping back on the couch.

" _Em, stop giving a shit about labels: alcohol-dependent, social drinker, pink drinks enthusiast. Who cares? You managed living with holes in your stomach. Do you think we're going let fats in your liver kill you?"_ She speaks in equal parts consoling and sarcastic.

Emily rolls her eyes, cheeks sucked in with her left dimple visible. It means Emily gets the point, knows how much loved and cared for she is. That mollifying reaction's enough for Hanna; she grins toothily in return.

" _Okay, what's a pink drink?"_ Aria asks bewildered.

" _Ask Alison."_ She answers jestingly.

" _How should I know?"_ Ali shrugs. Emily turns to Ali's side and whispers on her ear, giggling as Alison scowls back at them.

" _Anyway, I have a more important question, Ar."_

" _What?"_ Aria asks.

" _Since when are you having heart-to-heart talks with Alison and Spencer's brother?"_

" _That sounds weird when you put it like that."_

" _I can make it weirder."_ She contends with a wide grin as Aria looks flustered.

" _Really? Do tell."_ Ali asks in a sing-song voice that reminds Hanna of her queen bee days craving for juicy gossips. She would have shuddered at the reminder except this Alison's wearing a casual grey V-neck with the words " _Roger that, Army Brat_ " across and cuddling the shirt-owner, the  _girl_  they're both proud and lucky to call their best friend.

Smiling, Hanna hums and pauses for effect,  _"Are you or are you not doing the vertical tango with Emily's future brother-in-law?"_

" _It's horizontal,"_ Spencer corrects.

Hanna shrugs and dismisses,  _"Doesn't matter. Vertical is way hotter. Right, Aria?"_

" _I'm not hearing this. La-la. La-la. La-la."_ Spencer blabbers, her pointer fingers stuck in her ears.

" _Come on, Aria, spill the beans. Don't be shy."_

" _Ali, a little help."_ Spencer whines as Alison's lips open and close torn between disgust and embarrassment. Hanna winks at the screen and giggles as a blushing Emily catches the gesture and rolls her eyes again.

 _All will be well,_  Hanna's sure.

* * *

**(Aria's POV – Four More Days After, San Diego City)**

It's a truth universally acknowledged that a person in  _terrible terrible misery_  must be in dire need of a support system. Aria knows it as an absolutely truth regardless of how many times the girl in front of her denies the same. Emily needs them just as much as they need her  _alive and well_.

So when Spencer's almost week-long emergency leave came to a close, just a day before Em's scheduled AA meeting, Aria readily offered to relieve Spencer of her best friend duties.

" _What's one day of missed work and a whole weekend spent with friends?"_ Aria assured Spencer.

Grateful, Spencer filled her in on the details of Em's " _Recovery Plan_ " and even sent her and Hanna a flowchart of therapy options that she diagrammed with Alison.

" _Trust the Type A's to develop a perfect Plan A to Z. Why don't you add Habitat for Humanity?"_ Hanna messaged back.

Now, what Spencer failed to mention was the cold war brewing between their best friends, palpable at her spot at the backseat of Emily's car, the couple drove to the airport to pick her up. Upon seeing other, she instantly received warm hugs, heard and answered genuinely curious questions on her life in Boston. Once their conversation lulls, however, Aria finally notices that Emily and Alison (although seated beside each other) have yet to interact.

So she asks tentatively, " _Enough about me. How are you two doing?"_

" _Perfect."_ Alison says curtly.

" _Peachy."_ Emily mumbles back. Aria raises her eyebrows at the couple. She tries to formulate a follow-up question but stops, guessing her attempt would be futile, at the sight of Em's hand clutching the steering wheel firmly, whilst Alison stares straight ahead. Prudently, Aria occupies herself with checking her work mails,  spending the rest of their car ride in silence.  _No point getting caught between her best friends' couple disagreements._

 _The theme continues_ , Aria narrates to herself humorlessly when they reach the girls' place as Em wordlessly takes her carry-all and climbs ahead of them, while Alison matches her pace, rolling her eyes at Emily's back.

She turns to her side and asks, " _Are you hungry? I made tofu teriyaki for dinner. I'll just heat it up?"_

Smiling gratefully (for the silence broken), Aria nods at the offer and proceeds to ask,  _"That will be great but can I shower first? It's a little hotter here."_

Alison barks out a short laugh and nods,  _"sure."_

* * *

She's already toweling herself dry when she overhears snippets of the heated conversation outside.

" _I still don't understand why I can't go with you?!"_ Alison hisses.  _Hurt and angry,_  Aria notes,  _two interchangeable emotions when it comes to Alison._

Unconsciously, she steps closer to the wall to listen to Emily's answer. But she must have spoken quietly or not at all as Aria again hears Ali,  _"I get it if you'd rather Spencer or Hanna accompany you than me but Aria? I don't understand."_

Aria chews her lips at Ali's insinuation as to Em's order of confidants. She's not insulted at all as she knows Emily loves them equally (well, except Alison) just in different ways but she is also curious as to why she got elected to attend Em's first AA meeting.

" _I'd rather her than any of you."_ Emily counters, surprising Aria.

 _Why me, Em?_ She whispers to herself. Her forehead creases as she quickly evaluates the unique friendships she shares with each of her best friends:

If Aria wants a pocketful of sunshine, Hanna's only a Facebook message away.

If she needs a truckload of common sense, Spencer's always ready to take the call.

If, for some reason, Aria's self-confidence is dropping low, Ali's words, written or spoken, will bring her back on top of the world.

But if Aria simply wishes for a listening ear, there is no better person than Emily Fields. Aria wonders if this is the reason why, if Emily feels the same for her.

Although, it seems Alison is in a whole different plane of thoughts when she points out,  _"I'm your girlfriend."_

" _Exactly!_ " comes Emily's short reply. 

They must have noticed the lack of sounds in the bathroom as it didn't take long for Aria to hear someone knocking on the bathroom door.

" _Aria, are you done? I need to use the bathroom. Sorry."_ Em calls-out on the other side.

" _Yeah, be out in a minute!"_ Aria answers, belatedly berating herself for implicitly admitting to eavesdropping.

* * *

 Dinner went pretty much the same way as their car ride with conversation topics mostly revolving around Aria, while Emily and Alison steal guilty and sad glances at each other. It feels like high school all over again for Aria; except Emily's the one in the wrong and Ali's giving her the upper hand. It became more obvious to her when Emily gets up and clears the plates.

" _Just leave the plates on the sink. I'll wash. Want to watch a movie? Aria?"_ Alison offers with a conciliatory smile as Aria nods eagerly.

_"Yeah, Em? You can pick."_

Emily shakes her head.  _"I'm tired,  guys. I'll head to bed after this,"_ she says, holding up the dirty plates with both hands.

" _If you're so tired, just leave it then."_ Ali remarks bitingly.

" _Alright."_ Emily answers in the same tone, Aria's starting to wonder if this will be the overall theme of her visit - the silence between her best friends long and uncomfortable interspersed with short bursts of passive aggressive rows. She watches Emily take the short trip to the kitchen and back to them, then hugs her tight when Emily bids them goodnight. Emily has already turned on her back towards the bed when Ali catches her hand and tilts her head. Aria watches curiously.

Emily turns and stands for a few seconds longer, staring back at Alison, possibly having a silent conversation before she sighs and bends down to kiss Ali's forehead. It make Aria smile and it grows wider as Alison kneels up and cups Emily's chin to catch her lips for a loving kiss.  _Now that makes Aria swoon and itch to take a picture, to make this perfect moment last longer, perhaps forever._

But she doesn't want to ruin their moment by making her presence more obvious with an obnoxious camera or phone in hand. So Aria settles for being a fly in the wall, openly watching her best friends, as she reads the  _"love you"_ coming out from Alison's lips brushing against Emily's. She only averts her gaze when her supposedly shy best friend deepens their loving kiss, licking Ali's bottom lips slowly, seeking entry. Aria trains her eyes on the TV screen. It's kind of awkward to hear her friends' soft sighs and whimpers but she'd rather have this than be caught in the middle of a silent war. 

Her eyebrows raises in amusement hearing a loud smack on her side and hums softly as she hears Emily mumble, _"enjoy the movie"_ to Alison. It's only then did Aria look at the couple.  Emily throws a shy smile her way and bids a second round of " _Good night_ " before she (finally) retires for the night.

 _"So what are you in the mood for, Ar?"_ Alison asks as she grabs the remote control.

Aria hums as she takes the remote from Alison. " _Romcom, maybe?"_ She asks tone hopeful but not-so-innocent.

* * *

Audrey Hepburn's singing  _Moon River_  plays as closing credits to  _Breakfast at Tiffany's._ One of Alison and Aria's favorite feel-good classics. It has been years since the last time they saw the movie together, having banned it from their movie options in view of Alison's confession that Ezra thought of her as  _his Holly Golightly._   But now that Aria's casually seeing Ali's brother, the discomfort of sharing an ex has finally become old news.

Still, memories of Ezra bring a sharp pang to Aria's chest. She shakes the thoughts away and shifts her focus back to Alison, only to find the other girl also looking a little lost in her own world. She follows Alison's gaze to their bed, with the open floor plan giving them a clear view of Emily.  _The center of Ali's universe,_ Aria surmises wistfully.

" _Hey, you."_ She says quietly as if gently waking her up. Ali stays pensive.

So Aria tries again, opening her statement with,  _"I heard you guys arguing."_ It catches Ali's attention, who asks  _"how much did you hear?"_

" _Just that you can't understand why she's choosing me over you."_

" _Aria, I'm sorry, I meant no offense."_

" _None taken,"_ Aria shakes her head and smiles sympathetically before she continues,  _"had Em told you how she came out to us? Except Hanna, she knew beforehand."_

" _She mentioned she was threatened by Mona then Wilden."_

" _Hmm… yeah. Pretty much. But I distinctly remember what she said…'I love her as more than a friend'"_ Aria recites from memory, with a smile and rephrases it,  _"that she loves you as more than a friend."_

She pauses to let the words sink and maybe just maybe to enjoy the rare and fascinating blush blossoming on Alison's cheeks before she continues, " _I don't think Emily chose me because she trusts me more or you're less loved._ _ **You're more than a friend to her, Ali. You've always been**_ _. There's a lot more at stake with you than she does with me, Spencer and Hanna. Maybe she's just trying to protect you from all her ugly."_

" _She's anything but ugly."_ Alison scoffs lightly. Unable to find words to comfort her best friend, Aria switches gears saying,  _"Agreed. But let's get to that problem later, okay? For now let's just focus on helping her get sober."_

" _Of course."_

* * *

Aria rests a hand on Emily's bouncing leg as they watch the cream-colored room gradually fill with people, taking seats on foldable chairs circled around. She smiles reassuringly as Emily looks at her with wide eyes. They've been here for less than half an hour and Emily already looks ready to bolt. The meeting hasn't even started yet.

" _It's going to be fine, Em. Don't overthink it."_ She whispers lowly and raises her hand up to rub slow circles on Emily's shoulder. Soon, one of the early-comers, the salt-and-pepper haired man, stands.

Aria smiles awkwardly as she meets his gaze, she wonders if this man thinks she has an alcohol problem as well. She suddenly feels for Em.

" _Good evening. My name's James. I'm an alcoholic. I would like to welcome you to our Saturday open meeting. On behalf of the members, we would like to give a warm welcome to new attendees and have you introduce yourselves._ "

There are a handful of newcomers in all, including themselves. Aria thought they'd all introduce themselves as alcoholics. But only a couple did, the other one just gives his name, grunts it more like,  _"Arvin."_

When it's Emily's turn, she stutters " _I…"_ and looks at Aria, who smiles encouragingly in return.

" _My name's Emily. I'm here with my friend, Aria."_ She leaves it at that.

Aria half-listens to the program but mostly watches her friend, eyes fixed on the floor. She knows she's listening as she notices the hard squeezes Emily makes on her own arm at the introductory statements.

" _AA is a fellowship of men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking and have found ourselves in various kinds of trouble as a result."_

" _The first step to recovery is the admission that we are powerless over alcohol. That our lives had become so unmanageable."_

" _We in AA believe there is no such thing as a cure for alcoholism. We can never return to normal drinking, and our ability to stay away from alcohol."_

" _Step 2- there's greater power than ourselves that could restore us to sanity…"_

But after all the steps were enumerated, Aria notices the return of Emily's bouncing leg, eyes shifting focus to the small cross on the tacked at a high spot of the opposite wall. She tries to listen for both of them and mentally take down notes of the traditions and stories shared by members.

She even brushes a few stray tears at some heartfelt recollections. She turns to look at Emily, expecting a similar reaction.

Yet, she finds her best friend unnervingly untouched.

 _Emily?_ Aria inwardly ask, unsure if she wants to call attention or if she is simply wondering if this person beside her is the same best friend she knew.  _Maybe both._

* * *

" _How did it go?"_ are the words Alison greets them with as Emily and Aria slide at the passenger and back seats of the car respectively.

" _It was informative."_ Aria politely replies.

" _I'm not coming back."_ Emily responds without preamble. Aria's eyes grow wider at her best friend's definitive tone. She looks at Emily and then at Alison as Ali asks, " _Why? What happened?"_ her tone alarmed. She holds the car key, stopping herself from inserting it into the ignition switch.

" _I don't think it's for me."_ Emily dismisses shortly.

" _How can you be sure? It's just one meeting."_ Alison retorts.

Aria watches her friends argue like a tennis match.

" _I only agreed to attend one. If I said it's not for me, it's not for me."_ Em volleys back, her voice edgy.

" _Can you at least explain why?"_ is Ali's backhand shot, strong on the uptake yet controlled, as if Ali's grounding herself. 

Unsurprisingly, it was Emily who makes the cheap drop shot, " _Can we not talk about this in the car? Alison please…"_  

And that's when Alison explodes, " _You keep saying that, 'can we not talk about this here,' 'can we not talk about this now,' 'I'll call,' 'I'd be there.'_ _ **FUCK, EMILY, YOU NEVER DID!"**_ Alison curses and slams her hands on the steering wheel.

She twists to her side, and snarls, " _When do you plan to have this conversation? When you're six feet under?!"_

 _Oh Ali._ Aria's heart aches for her best friend as Alison wipes the hot angry tears on her face. She hears the door open first before she sees Emily's foot already out, ready to run.

" _Em, stop!"_ She cries out but Alison already has a firm grasp on Emily's shirt.

" _Don't."_ Alison warns,  _no, she didn't,_ she pleads.

" _Let's go home."_ Ali concedes.

Emily stares at the hand on her body. Despite long black hair obscuring her view, Aria can still see Em's jaw shaking - tears are likely being held back.

It takes long seconds, maybe a minute or two before her body sags. She shuts the door close.

Ali activates the child locks first before she lets go of the shirt. But she didn't let Emily go. Without asking permission, she interlaces their fingers and drives with one hand, afraid to lose " _her favorite._ "

 _Oh Ali…_ Aria cries to herself.

* * *

**(Emily's POV – Two Days After)**

Emily either sleeps or pretends to sleep most of the time, now that she's officially and completely unemployed, mooching off her trustfund loaded girlfriend. It's just her and Alison at home now. Aria left last night.

After the expected disaster last Saturday and the subsequent shouting match, she chose to retreat to the safety of the blankets huddling her bed. The couple only went out to tour Aria in the city. In public and in front of their best friend, she automatically reciprocated Alison's hugs and kisses. The nighttime's a different story. She  _lets_  Ali hug her and nothing more, not even a word said. She feels fake as the shitty half of a modern day political couple, showing a united front, yet a house divided inside. But she can't seem to offer an olive branch, even if she knows she brought this hell upon herself, upon Alison too.

It's been ten days since that ill-fated Friday night. She hasn't drank a drop of alcohol since then.  _Damn her friends for thinking she can't stay sober on her own._ She sincerely believes she's not an alcoholic. But she knows there's something wrong with her.

There's a gaping hole in her heart that she can't fill. And the outer linings burn like a ring of fire every time she looks at Alison. So there she is, lying on her stomach, completely covered by a thick blanket, drifting in and out of consciousness as Ali video-chats her sister on the couch. She wonders how long the conversation will be now that their house guests are gone.

" _Is Em asleep?"_ Emily perks up as Charlotte mentions her.

" _I think so. Yes."_

" _Okay, so you can gossip about her."_

" _Charlotte…"_

" _I can see worry lines on your forehead, and those eye-bags are disgusting. You don't have that last week. So let's see…I am the current poster child in Welby. Jason's doing well_ _ **and**_ _regularly visiting me. As_ _ **you**_ _ordered. So who else would you lose sleep over? The mailman?"_

Emily chews on the inside of her cheeks as Alison stays silent.

" _Ali, you can complain to me. That's part of my job description. Is Americano bad in bed or so good she wouldn't let you sleep?"_

Alison snorts and sighs loud enough.

" _Oh no, wait, you're not getting any."_ Charlotte teases, her voice lilting; it somewhat lulls Emily into false sense of ease, so she shifts downward on the bed closer to the couch.

" _Is asking about my sex life part of that job description?"_

" _Yeah. Totally!"_

Alison's chuckles travels to the bed. Emily smiles longingly at the sound so foreign to her ears these days. She silently prays that Ali confides in Charlotte, if only to finally hear the thoughts, she's not brave enough to ask for. Thankfully, Ali does.

" _Em's not talking to me."_

" _Huh? Since when?"_

" _Last Saturday. We've been fighting ever since she insisted for Aria to accompany her to AA. Then, that blasted AA meeting happened. She said she wouldn't attend again so I asked for an explanation. Long story short, I blew up. Now, we're not talking."_

" _What happened there?"_

" _I don't know. Aria guesses Em was just uncomfortable with the set-up. Spencer has been nagging her to see a therapist ever since."_

" _And…?"_ Charlotte inquires.

" _She says she doesn't need one."_ Alison huffs and continues, _"Dr. Rollins, what do you think?"_

 _Oh right, Charlotte's therapist's overseeing the calls,_ Emily almost forgets as this is the first time she overhears Alison address him.

"… _won't be fair to discuss...just secondhand information… how are you doing?_ " Emily hears Dr. Rollins muffled reply, only catching bits and pieces.  _Although he sounds very professional...impressive,_ Emily opines.

" _Increasingly frustrated_. Ali gripes and continues, " _I know she loves me. I know she needs help but she keeps pushing me away. Aria said Em's just trying to protect me from seeing her broken. But I see it everyday. She's caving in on herself. I don't know what to do."_

" _In short, you're trying to save Emily from self-combusting, and she's trying to save you from catching her flames, huh? Just don't give up on her, Ali. Everything will be okay."_  Charlotte advises.

" _No…that's co-dependency…if you can't help her?_ Dr. Rollins asks.  _Co-dependency, what?_ Emily frowns, starting to like Dr. Rollins less and less.

" _I can't. I can't think about that."_ Alison responds. Emily can detect the desperation in her voice; it makes her want to get up from the bed and wrap her arms around her girlfriend, promise she'd changed, but she already did that before.  _Look where they are now._

" _Precisely. That's_ _ **toxic**_ _need…can't help someone who won't help herself…_ _ **you'd get yourself hurt."**_

 _And fuck, the doctor shares her view._ Emily lowers the blanket trying to find a heavy object to drop and alert everyone that she's already awake whilst they're talking about her.

" _You just said you can't assess with secondhand information, doc. It's not fair to Emily"_ Charlotte defends.

" _I'm just warning Alison."_

Fed up, Emily shoves her study lamp. It crashes on the floor. She hears Alison say,  _"call you later,"_  then hears her name called.  _"Em?"_

She turns around and lies on her back, seeing Alison at the foot of the bed, looking worried and frightened. She eyes Alison sharply, angry at the doctor and perhaps more so at herself.

She needs Alison to forget the doctor's warnings but she also knows it's already happening. She's hurting Ali, been doing so since they got together with her bold-faced lies, broken promises and constant shutting-out. God, she's broken and she's breaking someone else in the process. Alison deserves better, but she's too selfish to let her go.

" _Kiss me."_ Emily pleads.

She doesn't wait for Ali to make a move and closes the distance herself, crashing their lips against each other's, in attempt to make her forget, make herself forget. She grabs the hemline of Alison's borrowed shirt and frantically pulls it off, pressing desperate kisses in between  _"I'm sorry's" and "I love you's"_ because she is and she does. Somewhere along the way, she just let her self-loathing win.

Emily pulls her girlfriend on top of her, only to swiftly straddle her. Looking down on Alison, she's arrested by those fathomless ocean blue eyes. Reads the uncertainty and vulnerability in those eyes, Emily pauses to caress Alison's cheek tenderly and kisses her just as softly.

She wants to promise they'll be okay. But she doesn't know if that platitude's a lie or the truth. So she lets her actions speak louder once more. Desperate to show how deeply in love she is, Emily trails kisses on her body,  _down and down, worshiping Alison._

* * *

_The live wires randomly crackle and zap overhead. From those noises alone, Emily can easily guess where she is. But her eyes refused to open in order to confirm if she's right._

_The buzzing sound blares louder at each passing second, getting harder and harder to ignore._

_" **Who deserves to be shocked? You or somebody else? You decide.** " The computer-generated voice booms in her head. Eyes still close, Emily covers her ears with both hands, uselessly blocking the heart-pounding sounds. Then, her heart leaps out of her chest as she hears an ear-splitting scream._

_**"Ali!"** Emily's body shakes._

_**"If you don't make decisions, and that's what you'll end up with."**  The speaker maliciously taunts using a garbled recording of Alison's voice. _

_She slowly opens her eyes, preparing herself to see the switches with her friends' faces when –_

**_"No! Please no!"_ **

_There's no Aria, Spencer or Hanna. There are only two switches on the table: hers and Alison's. Ali, who was never in the dollhouse, now captured together with Emily.  Only hers and Alison's, realizing the choice is easier now, Emily takes a deep breath, bracing herself for the shock, as she presses her own._

**_Nothing. She's -_ **

_Ali shrieks. Again. And again. Em's heart constricts as the pained sounds coil it in a vise-grip._

_" **No."** She pleads and hysterically presses Ali's button again, hoping it was nothing but a glitch. Another piercing cry followed by " **EMILY! DON'T!"** blasts through. It's the same results.  _

_Hot tears cascading on her cheeks, she tries her button again._

_B_ _ut no matter what she chooses, she's hurting Alison._

* * *

Emily wakes up in cold sweat and exhales loudly upon seeing Alison snuggled to her side.  _Ali's safe, s_ he whispers to herself and kisses the top of her head.

Still feeling suffocated, she carefully untangles herself from Alison and dresses up in casual clothes. She picks up her phone and wallet ready to go but stops to momentarily watch Ali, as her chest rise and fall in peaceful sleep. It was a dream but everything felt so real. So before the guilt of hurting Alison catches up on her, she runs away from its trigger.

* * *

 

Emily ends up near a body of water. She takes a deep breath and lets the cool breeze envelope her in an invisible hug as she looks straight at the dark blue ocean, tranquil and inviting. A passerby could easily assume she's intoxicated as she sways as she walks. In truth, however, Em walks purposely, toeing the coast in a ragged zigzag line. But there's another glaring clue to her inebriated state - a bottle of Malibu in her hand. Maybe the salt **–** and **–** pepper guy from AA was right, she was truly powerless over alcohol. She just can't admit that she has lost her control over a bottle of booze, that she has lost her freedom of choice, not after her stay at the Dollhouse, anyway.

" _I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. And I'm fucking dependent on alcohol._ " She recites, slurring and stumbles. The small waves lapping at the shore tickle her feet. A reminder of happier times. It makes Emily giggle like silly. Suddenly, she has the urge to swim.  _Just like old times._ She chucks off her flip-flops, leaving it beside her drink, and wades in.

As she reaches neck-deep, she begins swimming, far away from the shore as if chasing away all her demons, or running away from them. She surges in the butterfly stroke (Alison's favorite move of hers), always pushing forward. Her lungs expands each time her body submerges in the water while relief and peace wash through,  _the water welcoming her home._

She looks behind her, unable to see the Pacific Beach anymore.  _Time to come back, Em._ Her rationality whispers. She lifts an arm to freestyle on the way back but can't. It feels like leaden weight, she tries her other arm.  _Nothing, her limbs are failing her._  She can't move a muscle to just tread the waters. She's a statue going down, a paralyzed swimmer about to drown. She tries not to panic and takes a deep breath through her mouth. But her body still sinks slowly and silently.

She holds her breath underwater, her one last act of defiance against death. In the dark coldness of the ocean, with her oxygen depleting, the faces of her loved ones flash by like a speeding train: Hanna's toothy smile, Spencer's knowing grin, Aria's doe-eyed gaze, her mom's content nod and Alison's -

She inhales sharply and gasps for fresh air; instead its saltwater that fills her lung. Her final resistance gives way. As Emily's eyes closed, her mind finally conjures an image of Alison's tears-strained face.

_This._

_This is what dying is._

 

* * *

**Hurts Like Hell – Fleurie**

Your heart fits like a key

Into the lock on the wall

I turn it over, I turn it over

But I can't escape

I turn it over, I turn it over

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_And it hurts like hell_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (BOOM! Drops mic. Hides under the bed. Oops. Sorry!)
> 
> Anyway….
> 
> Post Notes:
> 
> Well, well, well, guess who finally and surprisingly delivered on these friendship scenes promised several chapters ago?!
> 
> We got Spemily, Spalison, Hannily, Arison, and Emria! Heck yes! I love it all but I think I enjoy Emria's and Arison's understated ones the most.
> 
> Also, I always thought Aria's the most supportive of Emison. Hello, those girls flirt/fight in front of her. And she's like, yep don't mind me, where's the popcorn? Lol.
> 
> I enjoyed writing from the other girls' POVs, especially Spencer's. Personality-wise, I say I'm a Spencer but only because I'm a Type A too, but am not brilliantly wicked or wickedly brilliant!
> 
> How Spencer am I? That little ankle-twist for a silly contest is straight from my freshman high school days. Lol. Because hello, winning is everything. Of course, I've had my lovely Emilys who already taught me otherwise.
> 
> Oh, it was a trip to write in Hanna's POV because girl sure knows how to have fun even in the worst of times.
> 
> And damn Aria, I had trouble with her. But I hope she was in character enough.
> 
> On AA: I have never been to a meeting! I respect those who believe in its effectivity. I just don't agree with some steps (on its face!) Also with Emily's experience, I truly think she's not fit for that kind of group therapy.
> 
> And now on Emily's "death:" Sorry about that but I've been planning this for months, researched a lot on alcohol abuse, trauma, depression, and even drowning and drunk drowning. So while I'm terribly sorry, I'm just glad this sucker is out. Do know that the story isn't finished yet and I don't want to spoil much so I only have one clue for another monumental chapter: Paris.
> 
> Lastly, thanks again for the comments and kudos.


	16. Warrior is a Child - Emily's Floating Year 1 Part 06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is NOT an Emison chapter. I repeat! This is NOT an Emison chapter! But I figured this section needs to be a standalone chapter because… (see post notes)

 

* * *

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

**The Warrior is a Child**

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 06)**

* * *

Her eyelids feel heavy as she slowly opens her eyes, blinking sluggishly as she registers the white artificial light overhead. Coupled with the dull throbbing at the back of her head, Emily wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. But something pries her eyes open, flashing a beam of light, forcing her to stay awake.

_"Ms. Fields, can you hear me?"_

" _Yes,_ " she says hoarsely, voice forced against the scratchy pain in her throat. Emily lifts a hand to inspect it but stops as warm soft fingers encircles her wrist.

_"Emmy."_

_"Mom?"_

She turns to her side. Slowly, her vision clears and soon finds focus on her mom’s worried face. Despite her fuzzy mind, Emily automatically smiles at the familiar face.

 

But the comfort of her mom’s presence is not enough to quell the unease of being in an unfamiliar place sets in, so she asks, _"Where am I? How did I get here?"_

_"What's the last thing you can remember?"_

Emily glances back at the inquirer at the opposite side of the bed. She briefly notes his white coat, _a doctor,_ but soon gets distracted at the sight of Alison, sleeping on a couch nearby. Her girlfriend’s slightly obscured face is the trigger she she needed to jostle the blankness in her mind. And little by little, the pieces of once lost memories weave into her consciousness.

 

_The bottle of Malibu, swimming in the ocean, her numb legs and arms, the dark water filling her lungs._

Breathless, Emily squeezes her eyes only but the images only flash more rapidly, dizzyingly. She forces her eyes open and looks down on the hospital bed. With her eyebrows furrowed, she whispers lowly, _"I drowned.”_

_Didn't I?_

She looks back at the doctor and answers,  _"I was swimming in the Pacific and I couldn't move. I think I drowned. How did anyone find me?"_

" _You didn't drown, Emmy. Alison saw you at the beach, passed out drunk._ " Her mom explains, her lips stretching into a straight line as she looks at Emily with glassy eyes.

So the doctor takes over for her, "You were seen at the Pacific Beach, Ms. Fields. Asphyxiated." He smiles grimly and goes on saying, " _You were unconscious. Your airways were stuck with vomit caused by over ingestion of alcohol."_

Emily catches the pity in his eyes and mirrors it with her own grimace and self-disgust.

 _So what? I imagined she was drowning as I almost choke to death?_  She wonders shortly before the doctor's cordial voice interrupts her thoughts.

_"You're quite lucky, Ms. Fields. Any minute longer you could have died."_

_"I guess."_ She mutters and tucks her lips as her mom squeezes her hand in reproach or relief.  _Both_ , she guesses.

She avoids her mother's eyes as the doctor continues with his check-up. She silently prays for the doctor to perfunctorily order her to get some more rest. Alas, he seems to think she's on the way to recovery with no permanent damage to her brain or body. He bids them with nothing but a,  _"See you in a few hours"_ and leaves her with that one person she dreaded the most to see.

" _Mom…"_ She straightens up in attention ready to explain everything, but her mother shakes her head slowly.

" _Alison told me everything,"_ Pam says in a calm yet stern voice,  _"I thought we're past this, Emily. You hiding and lying about your problems."_

" _I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."_

Emily casts her eyes down and reaches for her mom's hand, seeking forgiveness and understanding from that person she knew would never deny it from her.

But Pam stays silent, forcing Emily to look up once more and see her mom silently regarding with pained eyes, the kind reflecting all her heartaches  _and multiplied a thousand times worse_  yet still trying to rein it all in, holding the universe together.  _For her._

It only took one glance at those identical brown eyes for the weight of her lies to fall – a hailstorm of shame, guilt and regret.

" _Mom, please, I'm sorry."_ She tries again, her voice shaking from the hiccups, suppressing the sobs.

" _I think there's something wrong with me."_

" _Oh, sweetheart…"_ Pam sighs and envelopes her daughter in a tight hug as Emily involuntary unleashes the deafening sobs wrecking through her body and soul.

" _You can't continue living like this. You need help."_  Pam whispers, her tone final yet delicately soft as she holds her broken daughter.

She nods once and buries her face against her mother's shoulder once more.

In the arms of her mom, she lets herself feel all the pain and anger she drowned away with alcohol, flushing them tear after tear. In the arms of her mom, Emily finally finds her solace.

* * *

**The Warrior is a Child – Twila Paris**

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because Pam Fields and all parents, for that matter, deserve their own spotlight. So here's a little toast to a mother's love.
> 
> As to the drowning on the last chapter, I got it from a forum about alcoholics hitting rock bottom. One guy said that rock bottom for him was standing on his porch, going in a trance, as he imagined his death.
> 
> It was the same for Emily, even if she was unaware of her REAL near death experience.
> 
> And damn it, thank you so much for all the reviews/comments/kudoses from last chapter! I know this new chapter seems to be a letdown in the romance department but I also want the story to be well-rounded and to progress naturally soo…
> 
> Little Warning for the Next Chapter: I keep saying I have a story outline planned but as I write each scene, I tend to draw it out for fear of blindsiding you guys with jarring plot twists or quick fix. (Sorry about that).
> 
> So the next chapter might as well be an ending and a beginning similar to Chapter 8 (A Higher Place) when Emison finally got together, which I now consider as Act 1 of this story. Or it can be the official ending, if you're tired of all the drama already. Lol.
> 
> I'm still trying to come up with scenes for the Final Act, not sure how long will that take me so for now enjoy the next chapter!
> 
> (Also gentle reminder of the portion in Chapter 3 of Emily's morning ritual of drinking a glass of water. HINT! HINT!)


	17. Little Do You Know -Em's Floating Year 1 Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a chapter sandwiched before this and the beach scene. Read it first.

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

**Little Do You Know**

**(Emily's Floating Year 01 Part 07)**

* * *

_Little do you know,_

How I'm breaking while you fall asleep.

_Little do you know,_

I'm still haunted by the memory.

_Little do you know,_

I'm trying to pick myself from piece by piece.

* * *

_Little do you know,_

I know you're hurt while I'm sound asleep.

_Little do you know,_

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me.

_Little do you know,_

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece.

* * *

**(Emily's PoV)**

The next time she wakes up, Emily blearily scans her surroundings for a glass of water to quench her dry throat. Fortunately, a glass of her much needed refreshment sits by the bedside table. As she tries to reach for it, she becomes acutely aware of the light pressure against her hand.

Forgetting her thirst, her eyes zero in on the sleeping form by her side, one cheek tinged red as it rests against Emily's hand. The same person, she can confidently guess, to have placed that glass of water for her, having done so for about a decade now, out of habit and devotion. The simple act overwhelming Emily.

 _"Em, are you crying?"_ Alison stirs slowly, and asks in a small yet slightly raised voice. She springs up and rests her soft warm hand on Em's cheek, brushing a stray tear with a loving smile on her beautiful face, that fills Emily's heart with inexplicable happiness. And she thought that the image of Alison's tear-strained face would have been the last thing she saw as she took her dying breath.

 _"N-nothing. I'm just glad you're still here."_ Emily squeaks guiltily and holds Alison's hand in place. With her eyes closed, she turns her head slightly to the side, pressing urgent kisses on her beloved's palm.

" _I should be the one saying that."_ Alison whispers lowly, the hurt unmistakable in her ears.

Slowly, Emily opens her eyes, and makes eye contact with Alison, willing her girlfriend to believe her next words,  _"I'm sorry. I promise you, it won't happen again."_

She maintains her girlfriend's narrowed gaze, eyes imploring forgiveness and a second chance _. Or maybe it's her third? Or fourth, isn't?_ Emily shamefully admits.

Ali takes a deep shaky sigh. She brushes Em's cheek and drags her hand down to Emily's own, squeezing it. Emily's gaze follows their hand movements and shifts back to those ocean blue eyes, those orbs that can raise hell with tempestuous waves or wash all her pain away with calming ripples.

Today, it is a mixture of both as Alison says desperately,  _"I can't lose you, Emily. I don't know what I'd do without you. But I don't think you understand that."_

" _If it's as deep as I feel about you, then I think I have a good idea."_ Emily teases lightly with a toothy grin, hoping to add levity to their tensed conversation but Alison merely gives her a little head shake with her lips pursed.

Grovelling will not be a walk in the park this time. Not after all the pain she caused. She sighs tiredly and lifts their clasped hands to her lips, kissing Alison's knuckles gently, swearing an oath for each.

" _No more drinks."_ Kiss.

" _No more lies."_ Her lips linger on Alison's skin, her own eyes shut briefly to will the painful memories away.

" _I'm going to get help."_ She smiles grimly at that, watching Ali with her cheeks sucked in.

She presses a firm kiss at the back of Alison's hand as she makes her last promise,  _"I won't hurt you ever again."_

Alison's breath hitches at her words and smiles at her with sad eyes, _"don't make promises you can't keep."_

" _I won't. Not this time."_

* * *

 **Goals.**  

As an athlete, Emily knows that goal-setting is the best step forward to success. If there is a benchmark to be had, it is easier to strive, to concentrate one's focus, energy and determination to that single goal. It is a tunnel vision. _Eyes on the prize._

**And Em's prize? Happiness.**

And like any good athlete, she sets herself up for a rigorous training program designed to beat the "blues." But first, there are three preconditions to her perfect plan.

* * *

_Preliminary Step 1 (Training Ground)_

There's something to be said about home ground advantage. The familiarity brings ease and confidence, and the support unparalleled. And Rosewood, despite all the horror it triggers, is still home, where her heart lies with her mom and Alison.

So after Emily was discharged (again), Pam Fields put her foot down and booked them all tickets to fly back a day after. Emily went along with it, not only because her mother wouldn't budge but she knew there was really no point to stay. Although, there was a minor awkward moment when…

" _So um… are you heading back to your old place?"_ Alison timidly voiced as they walked in a single file, locating their plane seats.

Mother and daughter both looked over their shoulders upon hearing her question. Emily was the first to respond; she side-eyed her mother before she self-consciously shrugged back at Alison.

Her mom watched them with knitted eyebrows for a millisecond before she sighed, _"I'll let you discuss that. But whatever your decision will be, I want you to know you're welcome to stay with us, Alison and Emmy, I expect to see you everyday. No excuses."_

" _Yes, ma'am."_ Emily smiled sheepishly and nodded as her mother took the airline seat across theirs.

 

  _“I’d be fine anywhere, Em. As long as I’m with you,”_  Alison said once they were seated.

 

Emily beamed warmly at her girlfriend’s declaration, the sincerity so clear in her ears. She can do nothing but reciprocate it with a light lingering kiss on Alison’s bow shaped lips as she reminder herself, _This is good. Today’s good._

" _So? Does that kiss mean we're staying at your mom's?"_  Alison poked and took her hand, gently resting it on her lap. Ever since that night, Alison has been extra affectionate. She supposed it's a side effect of seeing her unconscious, just a breath or choke away from dying. She was curious as to how Alison found her, miraculously saved her (yet again) but she didn't have the stomach to hear the haunting images it caused. She squeezed Alison's hand comfortingly and nod.

" _Yes. But only for a few days, a week tops. I can't stay at home for very long now but I want Mom to see I'll be okay."_

" _I think Pam would like that."_ Alison hummed, playing with Emily's fingers mindlessly as she shifted sideways to look at her mermaid better.

" _Hmm… yeah. And it's perfect for you too."_  Emily said, her eyes twinkling.

" _Oh really? Why's that?"_ Alison teased back but there's a slight crease on her forehead, making Emily wonder if Alison knows what she's talking about.

" _Perfect time to suck-up to your future mother_ _ **-**_ _in_ _ **-**_ _law, Ms. DiLaurentis."_ She pointed out with a toothy grin as Alison blushed and ducked down, only to catch Pam's eyes observing them from across the aisle. She smiled shyly at her girlfriend's mom whilst the said girlfriend audibly cleared her throat coughing,  _"suck_ _ **-**_ _up!"_

At that, Alison subtly pinched the area between Em's thumb and forefinger, gritting her teeth in a fake smile,  _"Oh don't worry about that, baby. But you should know you won't be getting any with your mom watching our every move."_

" _I can be sneaky."_ She wiggles her eyebrows as Alison rolled her eyes.

" _Oh honey, that's not the problem here."_ Alison responded patronizingly.

" _Huh? What then?"_

Ali straightened their intertwined fingers and walked two on Emily's palm, looking at it pointedly,  _"See this"_ She smirks as she catches her mermaid's attention, eyebrows knit in confusion. Ali leans over and husks in her ear, tickling Emily, _"this is the_ _ **most action**_ _you're going to get."_

" _You're joking, right?!"_ Emily deadpanned, frown forming instantly as Ali threw her head back, laughing melodiously; a saucy wink back at her mermaid was her only response.

* * *

_Preliminary Step 2 (Trainer)_

Before official "training" begins, someone must assess Em's current baseline and keep track of her progress. Her personal coach. And there's only one professional Emily trusts to allow entry to the dark recesses of her mind and guide her out of her own personal hell. It didn't take a day back at Rosewood before she's making a call to Dr. Anne Sullivan, scheduling at an appointment at the earliest possible time.

As she hanged up the phone, she restrained herself from rolling her eyes at her mom's and her girlfriend's identical close _ **-**_ lipped cautiously relieved smiles.  _She loathes to admit this but Alison can be such mothering girlfriend sometimes._

* * *

_Preliminary Step 3 (Mind & Body Conditioning)_

To achieve optimal results, she starts taking care for herself again. Sleeps for 8 hours, sometimes more. Sticks to her diet,  _the rabbit food one,_  Hanna sympathetically coined. AND avoids any and all negative stress, which brings her to her first training set…

* * *

_Step 1 ("Resistance" Training)_

After their first grueling session with Dr. Sullivan, who extracted, albeit soothingly, the details of her emotional breakdown the past year, she was advised to put her mind to some positive endeavor at the onset of any traumatic flashback (of demons screaming in her head) instead of taking another bottle of liquor to her lips. So if it comes down to it, she figured she could run or bike around town to clear her head.

But the first step is always the hardest. Her first alcohol-resistance test?

The one that started it all.

* * *

Fresh from a long nap after her first therapy session, Emily comes down from the stairs and pops in her mother's kitchen. She's greeted by the sight of the two most important women in her life, making dinner, with her mom checking the oven and Alison cutting up fruits in the kitchen counter, talking about the last night's turn _-_ out of  _The Voice_  no less.

Smirking, Emily creeps up and wraps her arms around Alison's waist as she murmurs, _"You_ _ **hate**_ _game shows."_ She feels Alison stiffen briefly before she receives a hard nudge. Right in the gut.

" _Ow… Fu_ _-_ _!"_  The curse dies in her throat upon seeing her mom turn around and furrow her eyebrows as she clutches her side in pain.

" _Hey, you're up."_

" _Fu_ _\- Fantastic evening, Mom!"_

Emily glares down as she feels Alison shaking in her embrace, no doubt sniggering at her almost slip while she momentarily damns her college friends for her occasional cuss words.  
  
" _It is. You know tomorrow is Dad's birthday._ _We could bake and bring him some of those Korean tea cookies you both like. Dasik, isn't?"_  Pam offers her amiably while Emily deliberately entangles herself from Alison.

" _There's no more birthday to celebrate, Mom."_  She says with an incredulous tone as if her mom's suggesting that her dad's just a few hours away at Pennsylvania National Guard base.

" _Emily, I think it will be good for you to see Dad and talk to him."_

" _I don't need to see where he's buried to talk to him."_  Emily murmurs, with her arms crossed.

" _Okay, but you haven't seen it. And since the funeral you haven't even seen his headstone."_  Her mom says. Emily squeezes her upper arm at the ever patient tone.

" _I'm sorry. I can't do it tomorrow. I already scheduled an appointment with Hollis' admission office so I'm going to turn in. Early wake up call and all."_ She pulls her lips into a fake smile and heads back to the stairs, leaving her mom and Alison.

* * *

As Emily hears footsteps outside her room, she hurriedly lies on her side, facing away from the door. She hears a short knock first before her door creaks open.

" _When will you stop being angry at the world, Em?"_ Alison says in a low controlled voice as Emily's stomach lurches at the question.

" _You think you're the only one hurting?!"_

She clenches her pillow at Alison's scathing tone but Ali's not done yet,  _"Your mom's still grieving over your dad and worried sick about you, and here you are, having your own pity party."_  She spits  _"pity party"_  as if it is the most disgusting phrase.  _Of course, Alison DiLaurentis would hate anything associated with pity._  Emily seethes and brushes away the angry tears cascading on her cheeks.

After a beat, she hears a low thud near her and her girlfriend saying,  _"here, your mom made your favorite."_

* * *

She stares at the ceiling, unable to sleep while Alison lies facing away from her, breathing slowly evenly. They're barely a foot apart; even with Alison sleeping on her side, there's not enough space in Emily's twin bed. But she doesn't want to close the distance, not when there's too many thoughts running in her head.

 _She needs a drink._ Emily sighs deeply. Banishing that thought away, she grabs her phone and house-keys. She sneaks out in her old running shoes, and jogs across town in the middle of the night. She gradually increases speed.

_Faster and faster. As the voices in her head grow louder and louder until there are no more._

_Only the sounds of her heart pounding and the soft squidge of her shoes stepping on wet grassfield remain._

Panting loudly, she holds on to her knees and looks up to take in her surrounding. She draws a ragged sharp breath as she recognizes the sign above the metal arch.  _Shady Pines. Rosewood's local cemetery._

 _Fate's playing a trick on her._ She checks her phone for the time and sure enough, it's her dad's birthday.  _Or fate knows exactly what it wants._  She inhales deeply and trudges the path to her father's grave.

" _Hey, Dad. Happy Birthday."_ She whispers shakily as she kneels on the ground.

" _I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. I thought I could ignore it, if I.."_  Em furiously wipes her face as she controls her sobs,  _"if I didn't see this, it won't be real. That you're just out of the country, and you'd come back anytime now. Like you always promised."_

She curls her fingers and gently knocks on her father's headstone. She ducks her head against it, as her lips quiver and her body shakes,  _"you promised you would. I'm sorry you can't keep your promise, Dad. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm so sorry."_

Barely consciously, she wraps her arms around her dad's cold gravestone, needing something of his to hold onto as she keeps repeating her " _sorry's._ " Finally accepting her father's passing.

* * *

**(Alison's PoV)**

" _Em?"_ Alison calls out gently and exhales audibly upon seeing Emily kneeling and sobbing above her father's grave. She quickly notes the absence of any bottle, unlike the last time at the beach. She drops to her knees beside Em.

" _Ali?"_

" _Yeah, it's me."_ She whispers in return and holds her mermaid's shaking form, caressing her hair as she presses calming kisses on Em's temple and the back of her head.

She knows the heartache of losing one's parent will never go away but she's hoping her love for Wayne Fields' daughter will ease the pain. _And for the very first time, Alison feels likes Emily's letting her._

* * *

 Alison wakes up and smiles at the sight of Emily snuggled against her breasts, a rare occasion, considering she's usually the one lying atop her girlfriend. She relishes the welcome weight, smiling to herself,  _this is nice, she feels warm and needed._

She hugs her girlfriend tighter and giggles as a sleeping Emily feels her up, only to gasp at the succeeding firmer squeeze.

" _Someone woke up horny…"_ She teases, voice still raspy from sleep as her mermaid straddles her. Staring back at her with mischievous smirk, and  _god,_ those hungry eyes, Emily crawls up deliberately slow, and lays a fingertip atop Alison's waiting lips.

" _Shh… I'm loving you."_  Her mermaid husks in reply. Alison all buts nods and pulls Emily in for a searing kiss to start the perfect morning after a storm.

* * *

**Little Do You Know – Alex & Sierra**

**Little do you know,**

**I,**

**I love you**

**Till the sun dies.**

* * *

**End of Act 2**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be unusual.
> 
> A Dedication in the Middle of the Story  
> But please indulge me a few seconds  
> And this space.  
> To Toast  
> The Two Persons I Love Dearly  
> Whose Lives Mirrored  
> This Story's Emily and Ali  
> And  
> Everyone Else  
> Suffering Depression  
> Drowning Their Sorrows Away  
> And  
> Their Partners  
> Who Never Give Up on Love  
> Hopefully Without Losing Themselves  
> In The Battlefield Too  
> e.g.  
> Papa & Mama  
> This Act is For You.


	18. You & Your Sister-Em's College Senior Year Part 01

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, let me thank SincerelyYours27 for being an amazing sounding board and friend. SURPRISE! This chapter is for you!
> 
> Warning For People Not Into Fashion Stuff and/or Hate Boring Clothing Details in Fics: Please be advised that I am subjecting you to Alison's clothing preference for good reason. Think of this as a reading material in Lit class you have to look at context clues. Sorry. Know that I feel you too!
> 
> Warning on Literary Class: Please don't hate me if Alison drones on and on about American literature. Again, it is intended, and she is a teacher. And her issues are trickier to present than Emily so please bear with me.
> 
> Warning on Mystery Clues: I'm not good at mystery storylines. I'm not even a huge fan (so what I'm doing in the PLL fandom?!) Having said that, please know that whatever PLLesque themes you may find in this story will not escalate into any crazy storyline. The mystery might as well be a minor subplot. To stress, mystery is a mere subplot. You can suggest, of course. I'm open!
> 
> Visual Aid: Please see the Mona&Alison Five Year Time Jump Special Clip if you're a visual person like myself.
> 
> Timeline: From the last chapter, I think we left off around early October of 2016.
> 
> Our girls are now in a good place and are starting to build a life together (honestly, I swoon every time I freaking write their bed, their room, their trash can. Lol. Of course no trash can) BUT every story must be a dick at least at first. So here you are… the first of the final act. ENJOY!

 

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**You and Your Sister**

**(Emily's College Senior Year Part 01)**

All I want to do

Is to spend some time with you

So I can hold you, hold you

* * *

**(Alison's PoV- Six Months After)**

Ever since her mom gave her the go-ahead to choose what to wear (only after a six-year-old Alison insisted on it herself), she takes no less than five minutes to decide on what to wear. Before, she'd try on tops and dresses upon dresses before deciding on the one. Now, at 22, with a better idea on how her clothes would look on her, she scans her closet with a keen eye and delicate feel instead.

Today, her eyes lands on an A-line flared summer dress, with lace overlay. The welcome warmth in its light orange shade, reminding her of a peach rose.

That's one thing she has been consistently fond of: those warm colors. Before, her deliberate choice was designed to draw eyes as if to say " _Look at me. I'm pretty, am I not?"_  And if someone stared long and  _stupid,_ she'd meet their daze with an all-knowing smirk, silently (or not quite silently, more often than not) musing about their pathetic lives.

Now, her preference's  _still_  intended to invite attention,  _no, not to command veneration,_  but to express openness and care _,_ and even still, for the students of Rosewood High, but not as a fellow classmate, but as their teacher.

It's her first spring term as an educator. Looking back, she still can't believe she'd ended up being a high school teacher. Considering her literary accolades, all her college professors encouraged Alison to pursue a career in writing, predicting she'd make it big. But her glory-seeking days are nothing more than remembrance of things past. Ali's already very much content sharing written words of literary greats to younger minds in the very place she learnt those wondrous make-believe worlds - in Rosewood, within accessible distance from her family, except maybe her estranged father.

Humming one of her mom's old favorites, she puts on the dress and sits by her vanity to do her hair and make up only. Once done, Alison quickly notices the still unmoving blankets on their bed.

" _Em, don't you have a class? Em?"_ Sighing, she places the brush on the table and takes the few steps to the bed.

" _Emily!"_ She pulls down the covers and bites her lip, smiling softly at her mermaid's serene sleeping face, now doubt tired from studying last night.

Resting a hand on Em's stomach, she leans down and gently blows warm air just below her girlfriend's ear, one of the handful of spots she has learnt, from night one of their relationship, to be  _very very sensitive_. She laughs breathlessly as her girlfriend tenses beneath her, and proceeds placing feather-light kisses below and behind her ear, smirking at her mermaid throaty moan.  _God, Em's normal speaking voice sexy enough, but the early-morning one's infinitely hotter, like Ali's insides instantly become a warm oven, burning up at each breathy sigh,_ Ali finds, humming teasingly to stoke her mermaid's desire.

" _Ali…"_ Em mewls, her wandering hand settling on Ali's waist, feeling up the embroidered fabric.

" _You're dressed already?"_ Em asks and pulls away from Alison's teasing, frowning as she regards her girlfriend.

" _Yeah, I have class. And so do you."_ Ali says matter-of-factly, giggling as Emily's frown instantly turned into a deeper scowl.

" _Stop that."_ She chastises and leans again to drop lingering kisses on Em's creased forehead, butterfly and Eskimo kisses to her nose and down to those soft downward curled lips. Caressing her cheek, Ali gently massages Emily's lips with her own languidly, taking her sweet time before she slowly lazily pulls away, barely an inch above her mermaid's lip to urge,  _"go shower, you're going to be late."_

" _We could have showered together."_ Em grumbles as she pushes the covers down and gets up, huffing occasionally to Alison's amusement.

" _You're a little needy this morning."_ She teases as she smooths out her skirt.

" _And you're a lot cold."_ Emily snorts and yelps as a pillow hits her shoulder, whilst she drinks up her glass of water. She glares at the culprit but it dissolves immediately upon seeing Alison's arched eyebrow,  _an understated yet ten times more intimidating response._  She sighs and picks up the pillow flinging it back on the bed before she heads to shower, sighing obnoxiously loud, as if to whine, _fine you win, Ali._

" _Hurry up! I'll make breakfast."_  Alison calls out and shakes her head once more as she watches Emily's retreating form.

_Sometimes, her sassy girlfriend can be such a pain._

* * *

They sit facing each other in the DiLaurentis' kitchen counter, sharing their plans for the day.

She sips her tea and Emily finishes off her skinny omelette, still sticking to her diet but now partly by choice, even after her physician gave her an all-clear healthy liver, a couple of weeks ago.

" _So, what are you discussing in class today?"_ Emily asks and beams happily as Alison hand-feeds her a plump strawberry.

" _Slaughterhouse Five."_

Emily grimaces at her response,  _"isn't death the theme of that novel?"_

" _So it goes."_ Ali mutters back darkly, quoting the ever-present line whenever a character falls dead in Slaughterhouse Five.  _A hundred and six times_ , to be exact. She snorts at her own morbid joke and shakes her head. She corrects Emily nicely, saying  _"it's not the only theme. Besides, I told you there's beauty to death."_

Her girlfriend rolls her eyes at yet-another cryptic reply she made and walks around the counter, enveloping her in tight embrace. Alison stands and welcomes it with equal warmth and lightness, mirroring the blossoming spring. But just a few seconds after Ali closed her eyes, Em pulls away, a foot apart. Smiling at her tenderly, Emily asks, " _Why don't we go out tonight? Let's try that new French resto in Philly. Then, we can watch some movie after? No horror movies, okay?"_

Ali scoffs at the ban. Between the two of them, Em's the huge fan of horror films, so she knows this impromptu date night's more for her sake. Likely her girlfriend's subtle way of pulling her out of her dark thoughts once more. Queen Bee Ali D. may have been one of those things past but the Death-Mystifying Enigmatic Alison is an ever-fixed mark. Lucky, her mermaid understands, as she always does.

So Ali nods at the sweet gesture and gazes back lovingly as Emily tucks a stray hair behind her ear.

" _Okay. Text me when you get to Welby. So I can estimate what time I should leave Mom's and take the train. Now, you'd be driving us back here 'cause I'll be paying our popcorn."_

" _Just the popcorn?"_

" _Okay, fine add in the dessert too, but only because I love you."_ Emily grins goofily and pecks her lips lightly before she clears the table. Alison sits back down, watching her.

After their chaotic first few months as a couple, Emily's almost back to her old self. She kept sand is still keeping every promise she made to Alison the last time she was admitted to the hospital. Once they officially moved in together, not just as an extended visit to watch over a troubled Em, they had to painstakingly learn the process of  _mutual_ give-and-take in their relationship from the smallest of things to the bigger ones.

 _From chores_ : she cooks and Em washes dishes.

 _To sleep clothing arrangements:_  as warm-bodied Em is, her feet tends to to get ice-cold as the temperature drops at night. As clingy as Alison is, she couldn't stand those Popsicle toes touching her (no matter how beautiful the goddess it is attached to).  _So the compromise? Occasional socks._ With those cute prints, Alison bought as consolation to her mermaid.  _A little problem easily resolved_.

 _To former tormentors:_ with Dr. Sullivan's help, Em was able to recognize that it wasn't seeing Charlotte,  _per se_ , that was the problem, rather it was the traumatic flashbacks it triggers for the both of them. But it was easier for her as she loves Charlotte as a sister even before she knew they are. But to Em, Charlotte was nothing more than her torturer posing as a friend.

And Ali knows Emily's still grappling to disassociate the  _Big Bad A_  from her sister. She still catches her best friend's fears, in the form as catatonic night terrors, every now and then.  _But Emily tries_ : occasionally coming along with Alison to Welby and briefly celebrating holidays with the DiLaurentis' siblings for her sake. Ali feels a little selfish every time Emily does but they both know there's no other way if they want their relationship to work.

Their relationship is nurtured by a system of a mutual give-and-take but often, Ali feels short, knows she's still asking more from Em (like her sanity and peace of mind) when all she can give is herself.

" _Ready to go?"_  Emily asks as she wrings her hands dry and with a hand towel. She grabs her books and purse in one hand as Alison wordlessly takes her free hand in hers, even though it only takes a minute for them to separate and take ride their own cars to their respective schools.

But each time they part, Ali aches a little more. The French got it right once again.

 _Tu me manques. You are missing from me,_ she conveys to her mermaid with a loving gaze as she smiles her goodbye.

* * *

Among all sorts of instructors, high school teachers must suffer one of those worst plights known to education: inattention.  _Severe. Lack. Of. Attention._

She watches her classroom slowly fill with a bunch of juniors, already acting as if they're  _too-co_ _ol for school._  Once seated, their eyes focus everywhere else: to the windows, the posters, shelves, the clock or their crush but God-forbid their teacher.

She claps her hands once and grabs a chalk to write on the board following words in her loopy cursive:

_Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back…_

_but she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human._

" _Do you mind if you read something?"_ She smiles despite the lack of response, expected as it is, and grabs her copy of Slaughterhouse Five, settling on a page marked for today's class.

" _I looked through the Bible in my motel room for tales of great destruction._ "There's  **manic**  in Alison's voice as if she's the writer herself looking for those biblical tales as she continues reading.

" _The sun was risen upon Earth when Lot entered his refuge. Then, the Lord rained upon Sodom and Gomorrah_ _ **brimstone and fire,**_ _destroying the cities' grounds and inhabitants alike."_  Unconsciously, her free hand sweeps in the air.

She's one with the words now: the storyteller and the character. She places the book back on the table. It's only impeding her from conveying the emotions she wants to be felt.

" _There's vile people in both cities, as is well known._   _The world was better off without them."_  Her voice's controlled yet righteous anger ripples through. Vindication, that's the word.

Inwardly smirking at the undivided attention her class now gives, Alison casts her eyes down. Her voice drops to a stage whisper filled with quiet agony as she goes. " _And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been._ _ **But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.**_ _So she was turned into a pillar of salt."_

With a blank face, she looks back at her student, resignation ringing in like a judge's gavel, _"So it goes."_

She claps her hands once more and smiles back at her student and asks,  _"right, so can anyone give me an idea what it means?"_

" _Wait, didn't Lot's wife deserve it?"_ Jacob Thomas, one of the rare students who try to listen as much as they can, asks.

She shrugs, " _Maybe, biblically. But what made Lot's wife looking back so human? And do you agree?"_

" _Not really."_ Jarvis Cole, one of the football jocks, quips,  _"You shouldn't look back. Something might be gaining on you. Isn't that the point?"_

" _Like what? A rock? Right, Ms. D?"_ Addison Derringer adds, smirking back at her, the barb evident in her eyes as some of her classmates titter at the joke.

It was barely five years past since Alison  _ruled_  these halls as its queen,  _haunted_  it as its ghost and  _walked_  it as a convict, with victims past whispering  _shame shame shame_  at each passing glance. And small as Rosewood is, half her class undoubtedly consists of younger siblings or cousins of those unforgiving lot, receiving the infamous legend of the once dead golden girl turned convict and then not. There's a scarlet letter branded to her very name. And times like this, she wonders why she teaches.

She shakes her head and smiles grimly at the girl,  _"yes, like a rock. Perfect example of why you should look back. Thank you, Addison."_

 _If she can't beat it, what is she saying, she can still beat people at their own game._  She restrains herself from smirking back at her annoyed (and annoying) student and looks around,  _"Now, anyone else?"_

" _Emerson?_ " She smiles at the shy boy and nods for him to answer.

" _Uhh….it shows Lot's wife's compassion to the people of Sodom and Gomorrah. That… that makes her human?"_

" _Yes. Very good, Emerson,"_ She smiles proudly at her student. _"Now, when we say 'look back,' we also associate it with our past. Acknowledging our mistakes in hindsight. Which was Vonnegut's point…"_

She grabs the chalk again and writes the words  _compassion_ and _hindsight_ at the opposite sides of the quoted text.

" _Now, looking at it from the historical perspective…"_ She chuckles at the collective groan of her students. Being a high school English teacher surely sucks but she's better off than her History teacher counterpart.

* * *

" _Everyone please write at least a 500 words essay on the significance of the phrase Po-tee-weet. I expect it to submitted tomorrow before the class starts."_  She tells her students, just in time for the last bell to ring. She notices a shadow coming in but gets distracted as one of her student asks,  _"Po-tweet. Like twitter?"_

" _Samantha, I'm going to assume you have read the book as I asked but please read it again."_  She calls out patiently. Inwardly chuckling at the thoughtless question, she starts collecting her things until-

" _Sounds like Hannakins, right?"_

Alison instantly masks her surprise and school into her game-face smirk, composed yet playful, as she acknowledges her visitor,  _"Mona, And here I thought you were done lurking in the shadows."_

" _Alison DiLaurentis, never thought you'd be the one to stay back at Rosewood."_ Mona mirrors her smirks, probably learnt from years of studying her former self, but her copycat does it more gleefully as if infinitely prouder of her own gall.

" _After you ran me out of town with a pitchfork, I actually came to like this place."_

" _And a teacher even…"_

" _Considering my limited high school experience, I'd have to say I miss it."_

Their light (fake) chat continues, discussing about her best friends' recent social media posts, of all things. Then, Mona mentions, " _Em's been posting a lot of your selfies lately at your old place, no less. You're living together now, right? Any chance I'd be invited to the wedding."_ Alison shrugs with a smile.

Growing tired of Mona's game, she steps closer, short of towering above her visitor. " _You're not here to celebrate. You're here about_ _ **her**_ _. You applied at a summer job at Welby. In Charlotte's ward no less. It's kind of an interesting choice for a PoliSci major. And Mina Davis, creative. Isn't that your mother's maiden name?"_ She mocks, effectively wiping the smirk off Mona's face.

Alison continues rattling off Mona's pathetic attempts to see her sister until finally asking,  _" **What do you want?** "_

" _I saw you've been posting in social. She seems to be getting better."_

" _She is."_

" _Should Charlotte ever get cellphone privileges, what she's gonna post? About us?"_  Mona asks, threatening and yet scared herself. The imputation angers Alison.

" _I've spent everyday with her for the last four years. She's changed._ " She says with conviction, in zealous defense of her sister.

" _I've about to start a career in the public eye. I need to know her intentions."_ Mona retorts.

 _So is this what it is about? Reputation?_  She would have pitied her former punching bag, if this was about her fear of A's return. But of course, Mona was the first A, she's not afraid of her own Frankenstein doll.

Alison closes the distance between them looks at Mona straight in the eye as she says,  _"her intentions are to get better."_

" _She's a master at playing the game, even better than me. You may trust her but I don't think I ever could. When can I see her?"_ Mona demands her voice, starting to shake but Ali's confident that Mona's fears are nothing more than baseless paranoia. Besides, she doesn't owe this girl anything. Mona might have been a monster of Alison's creation, but she grew that hideous hide and sinister schemes on her own. Alison can't be Lot's wife to this human Sodom and Gomorrah.

She smiles tauntingly back at the girl, answering,  _"When she gets better. And_ _ **I know she would.**_ _Charlotte's been working really hard."_

Holding her breath, she watches Mona walk away. She sighs shakily and quickly grabs her phone, calling the first person that comes to mind.

" _Hey, it's me. Mona was here. She wanted to talk to Charlotte…"_

" _Alison, Charlotte's missing."_  Elliot responds.

* * *

**You and Your Sister – Chris Bell**

(Dana Williams and Leighton Meester Cover)

Plans fail every day

I want to hear you say

Your love won't be leaving (Run Run, Run Run)

Your eyes ain't deceiving (Run Run, Run Run)

 

Fears will soon fade away

Smile now, don't be afraid.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun. DUN.
> 
> Did I just paraphrase the Monison Special Clip? Why yes, why yes, I did.
> 
> Am I redoing the last 1.5 seasons? No, I most certainly will not. I might borrow every now and then. But this will be a little more realistic as is the theme of the story.
> 
> Can you guess my point for the quoted Vonnegut passage? I hope so. Expect more literary symbolism as we are moving past from Em's water metaphors and into Alison's book territory.
> 
> Plans for the next chapters? I'd like to focus more on Alison's issues now that we're at least half done with Emily's. What would you like to see?
> 
> Oh and gentle reminder, I'm thinking of giving Ghost Katherine from Chapter Five a cameo at the later chapters, btw. Please don't forget about her. HINT!
> 
> Song Chapter Title: Oh damn, I don't think the song fits perfectly to the chapter. I might change it if I find any. I guess it's a little fanservice to myself because it was revived by THE Blair Waldorf. Oh sorry, I mean Leighton Meester. Do check Dana and Leighton's version of dreams too. It was AWESOME.
> 
> Again, thanks for the reviews/comments/kudoses. It helps keep me going truly! Til next time!


End file.
